To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

So why isn’t he cooking and cleaning then? By your own logic why isn’t he adulting?

• I do you actually idiot I’ve got 3 and 2 of them was Velcro babies just being at work felt like a break my point is it can make you feel worse if house isn’t organised etc as others have stated I’m not disagreeing about the husbands way or wording or not helping especially checking the cupboards for dust it seems like that’s what makes him a prick I know that after a baby our body has gone through an intense physical event, requiring significant rest, which often makes even light housework challenging. But we do not live in there house he could be worried it’s getting worse etc I have a friend who has PND and honestly her house has gotten disgusting I’ve tried to help her clean but without proper doctors help there’s not much that can be done

But when did the OP say the house wasn't organised?

The issue is that she has decorated, or dusted on top of cupboards up high, and made him fancy chicken burgers when his colleague was having a curry.

He should go back to his Mum and she can wait on him hand and foot. You're struggling because of their behaviour but it's really your DH's fault. I'm glad your Mum can come soon and put these nasty people in their place.

"Sitting around drinking coffee" with a 4 month old baby! Is comedy your career or just a hobby?

Working is a million times easier than being home with kids !

i did fuck all ok maternity at home - just enjoyed it an was out and about with my baby!

second time I packed up and went backpacking with both kids

poor husband had to fend for himself for a few months - I probably should have left him a supply of dinners - poor man😜

I think I cooked him dinner a handful of times in my life - we tend to sort ourselves. I’ve never done his laundry either I just sort myself and the kids - he’s well able to do his own.

im not his mother or a housewife.

So you agree being at work is a break?

so if the husband has a break all day at work, why does he not come home and give his wife a break by taking on dinner and the domestic chores he thinks needs doing?

Well he can get off his arse and do some cleaning then can't he? Like single people have to.

If looking after a baby is not work, then walking a dog is even less like work. He doesn’t want to let her walk the dog because it’s the easy option when the alternative is cooking dinner and looking after the baby.

But looking after a baby is incredibly hard work, even if you manage to make it a bit more fun by doing it with other people in a group. And it’s important to see other people, not be imprisoned at home. Only a bastard wouldn’t want that for his wife.

I found that the most intensely difficult time of being a parent was when my first baby was new - unmanageable, overwhelming and distressing. It got so much better after that.

Recovering from having your first baby is so much harder than looking after three or four older ones - or it was for me.

This man is selfish and nasty. Sounds like he’s just copying the dynamic his parents had, which sounds like it was awful. Perhaps he can be made to see it.

Mumsnet has all sorts of people on it. Personally I’m very happy, thank you. (Partly because I have a nice husband.) And that’s exactly how I know that he is behaving very badly to you. It sounds like he learnt this behaviour from his parents. He needs to change if he is not to lose you. His parents sound horrible.

The most important thing he needs to understand is that having a baby is a very difficult, and sometimes dangerous, time. New mums are totally overwhelmed. He may never have thought about it, but it’s true. What’s more, looking after a baby is an exhausting, 24/7 job. If you’re lucky, you’ll manage to arrange it so you have some fun at the same time, otherwise your life would be hell. (Just like he probably manages to have a little socialising at work.) Housework and cooking are extra, on top of that. It’s not actually possible for one parent to do it all in the early days. Therefore most couples both step up and do whatever needs doing. He may not have heard about it, but dads everywhere are looking after the baby and/or cooking and/or cleaning after they get back from a full day’s work. And their households are very happy!

Any woman who has had a job and then becomes a mum knows that the job was easier. He’s deluding himself if he thinks his time is more important than yours.

He needs to take an interest in all this stuff, and discover what’s reasonable. If he doesn’t want to, that will be a clear sign that he doesn’t care about you.

Why does he not want you to have good mental health? He seems cruel.

Op he’s sounds awful is he taking any paternity leave to have time with his kid? You need to go out for the whole day leave baby crying with him I bet you any money that his mum will come to his rescue. She is a bitch none of this is her business he’s a grown man if the house is messy he can tidy up. If he can’t bare it tell him to run home to mummy for his bum to be wiped and have proper home cooked meals done for him each night also tell him it’s 2026 where men need to take responsibility for there kids as well. Why do men think if they work full time they get away with not pulling there weight around the house. Op your mum is laughing at him because he’s pathetic controlling dickhead. She laughs because if she doesn’t she will tear a strip off him for being a sexist pig it’s not different to his mum telling you off. Honestly your mental health is so important and don’t see it as socialising see it as support.

Its neither.. Life experience of bringing up multiple DC. Mat leave was much easier than working.

If he's worried that the PND is getting worse, then cutting off access to his wife's support network is a funny way of showing it.

I was really ill after my baby was born. He had reflux and vomited constantly so i couldn't get anything done. Husband complained to my mum that I i left washing up in the sink 🙄
Midwife told me I needed more support. I told husband. His response? "Yeah yeah you're ill, don't we all know about it! "

I divorced the cunt and never looked back (luckily I had a lot of family support).

Tell me some more, you're cracking me up.

i don’t understand what your point is. Maybe that’s how you felt but I know the majority of mums I know don’t feel that way and clearly OP has had a very hard time and her husband is not being supportive. It’s not the same experience for everyone. For many they will
acknowledge going to work is easier and a break. Even my husband says this

Agree. My first cried for 6months and never slept at night. I was a walking zombie with no emotional and little physical help from ex. I was traumatised.

I hope you have made it to a better place in life after that experience & hope you could get support elsewhere in time, sorry you went through that x

Lellylov seems to have very personal views on what should or shouldnt be done but they are not relevant in the ops case.
A colicky baby is exhausting.
They cry all the time and they need constant attention.
If mother and baby groups keep the mum sane then that is absolutely the best thing to do.
Its not "sitting around all day drinking coffee! " It is a vital link recommended by her health visitor.
Thank goodness she has these safe and supportive places to go to!🙂

He eventually settled down and became an amazing boy and man. Thank you.

Your partner is a nasty, misogynistic piece of shit. Keep focussing on you and your baby and stop doing anything for him- no cooking, no washing, nothing. And for god's sake, don't risk getting pregnant by him a second time.

Also, you can tell your scummy partner that many women on MN are very happy. They're the ones with supportive partners and co-parents who want them to be happy and healthy.

That is a fair point but he seems to have manipulated OP into a state of self recrimination and dare I say it, fear. He is abusive. His horrible mother 1) raised him and 2) is doing absolutely nothing to help. He is beyond vile, his mother is a disgrace.

For you. Not for everyone. I know, because it was a LOT harder for me than my paid work (senior lawyer, international remit)

Really sorry to hear what your going through with your husband- he really needs to supoort you more. There should be no expectation for you to provide meals cooked from scratch. The most important thing is you look after your wellbeing.

I really recommend these two books:

"Maternity service" by Emma barnett. Brilliant book.

And

"Matrescence" by Lucy Jones - about the impact of pregnancy and childbirth on the mother. How we don't really talk about this in society but it is a huge change for women to go through

I found them really validating and supportive during such a difficult time. I hope things get easier for you. You are doing great and keep going to the groups if you are finding them helpful

Your partner is a dick and its all your MIL fault. Hes upbringing is backwards and he thinks its down to you to do everything. I wouldn't do it. Carry on doing what you're doing. Postpartum depression tends to get worse around the 4/5 monts Postpartum because people dont tend to check in as much. A meal is a meal. Tell him to start drop his standards or go back living with his mum.