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Original poster

I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

176 replies

Poppadop · 14/04/2026 09:15

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

OP posts:
JenniferJupiterr · 14/04/2026 09:19

It doesn’t really matter what anyone else has felt. What you’re describing is basically the fact you’ve gone off him. You’re done with the relationship - and you’re allowed to feel that way. You’re allowed to want to divorce him.

if you love him and want to make a go of it then maybe consider counselling. But honestly, when you’re at this point, you’re done.

First steps are probably talking to him - as hideous as that is. And in the background, looking into finances and how you might live if you do split

Dressfinder · 14/04/2026 09:20

It sounds a bit like you've fallen into an "us & him" situation where you partner yourself with the kids and your husband is a separate entity. That space allows resentment to grow.
Can you take a break with your husband? Some time away from the kids to enjoy your relationship will tell you if you have something to build on or if you should be looking to separate.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 09:23

Have you talked to him about his behaviour when overwhelmed? Does he even acknowledge that its HIS overwhelm and not that their behaviour was incorrect?

Crikeyalmighty · 14/04/2026 09:24

totally get this -am married to someone similar - I’m afraid for me once that feeling crept in it never came back - im in a different life stage to you but I would give it a year, think positively and then see how you feel - my own view is that these kinds of situations are easier to bumble by for quite a lot of years with an easy going bloke who isn’t constantly making sexual passes or comments but nigh on impossible to cope with one who is constantly like this long term at the point you no longer feel the same way - and even harder if they aren’t the easiest to live with too

Hailstoness · 14/04/2026 09:33

Well him having meltdowns in front of the children is not on.
You can start planning to end the relationship if you wish.
Stay put for now.
Get a job.
Cancel the holiday if you can.
Tell him you are not happy and his meltdowns are emotionally abusive.

Original poster
Poppadop · 14/04/2026 09:34

Thanks for your comments. I think part of the problem is he really isn't easy to live with. He's pretty short-tempered, gets stressed very easily, doesn't like many cooking smells so gets stressed by that. Doesn't like the cat so gets stressed by him. Gets stressed by our 7 year old bouncing around everywhere. Gets stressed when the kids have a bath and splash water.

We've had some truly amazing times together, but he is fundamentally very hard to be with. I'm just fed up now.

But then I worry about things like holidays and Christmas. I don't want him to be alone.

OP posts:
Wallacehasagromit · 14/04/2026 09:40

Poppadop · 14/04/2026 09:34

Thanks for your comments. I think part of the problem is he really isn't easy to live with. He's pretty short-tempered, gets stressed very easily, doesn't like many cooking smells so gets stressed by that. Doesn't like the cat so gets stressed by him. Gets stressed by our 7 year old bouncing around everywhere. Gets stressed when the kids have a bath and splash water.

We've had some truly amazing times together, but he is fundamentally very hard to be with. I'm just fed up now.

But then I worry about things like holidays and Christmas. I don't want him to be alone.

You've noticed you're walking on eggshells when he's around. No wonder you're fed up. Christmas and holidays are the least of your worries. Doesn't mean he will be alone. He could meet someone pretty quickly. Also if you did separate then some Christmas's he would have the dcs and you'd be alone.
If you want to try to fix maybe counselling but you've been given the gift of seeing what life would be like without him. So fix or go but not without getting the infamous ducks ready.

Original poster
Poppadop · 14/04/2026 09:45

@Hailstoness thanks, I have a good job so I'm not worried about that. It's just questions like "do we sell the house?", because the kids love it here and it's so close to their school. I'm not sure I could afford it on my own though. And when I start thinking about that, I become paralysed with fear.

OP posts:
ToRiseAboveItIsHard · 14/04/2026 09:48

Dressfinder · 14/04/2026 09:20

It sounds a bit like you've fallen into an "us & him" situation where you partner yourself with the kids and your husband is a separate entity. That space allows resentment to grow.
Can you take a break with your husband? Some time away from the kids to enjoy your relationship will tell you if you have something to build on or if you should be looking to separate.

This is good advice!

Fourhorsepeopleofthefunopcalypse · 14/04/2026 09:50

This feels wider than the last two weeks.

I don’t particularly miss DH when he has a weekend away either, but I am glad he’s back to share the load.

You and your DH need to have a proper chat about your relationship and what needs to change.

Paramaribo2025 · 14/04/2026 09:55

He sounds neurodivergent.

clearlyy · 14/04/2026 09:57

Paramaribo2025 · 14/04/2026 09:55

He sounds neurodivergent.

Came here to say the same thing.

Everydayisanew · 14/04/2026 09:57

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2026 09:23

Have you talked to him about his behaviour when overwhelmed? Does he even acknowledge that its HIS overwhelm and not that their behaviour was incorrect?

This. Have you talked to him about how much calmer things are when he is away and how much of a turn off messages like that are?

sittingonabeach · 14/04/2026 09:58

@Poppadop how much parenting does he do?

Fourhorsepeopleofthefunopcalypse · 14/04/2026 10:00

On the Christmas thing, if you get along reasonably well there’s no reason you can’t spend Christmas Day with him even if you split. It’s unusual but you might even be able to manage a holiday. That said, doesn’t sound very likely here.

Everydayisanew · 14/04/2026 10:01

Paramaribo2025 · 14/04/2026 09:55

He sounds neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent isn’t a carte Blanche to do what you want or meltdown in front of others (speaking here as someone is is ASC and ADHD myself and has meltdowns). I bet he doesn’t meltdown in the middle of the work day - you mask and then you meltdown elsewhere. For me this is headphones on in my garden or somewhere else but it isn’t ok to do it in front of your wife and children just because you can.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 14/04/2026 10:01

Have you tried talking to him? I have a really firm line in our house that parents’ emotions can’t negatively affect the mood of the house, it’s so detrimental but maybe he lacks self awareness. you could talk to him about it with that breakfast as an example? MM commenters usually jump to breaking up, but I do think if you’ve made a commitment you should do everything in your power to fix it.

raisinglittlepeople12 · 14/04/2026 10:01

Everydayisanew · 14/04/2026 10:01

Neurodivergent isn’t a carte Blanche to do what you want or meltdown in front of others (speaking here as someone is is ASC and ADHD myself and has meltdowns). I bet he doesn’t meltdown in the middle of the work day - you mask and then you meltdown elsewhere. For me this is headphones on in my garden or somewhere else but it isn’t ok to do it in front of your wife and children just because you can.

Show quote history

Bingo.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/04/2026 10:02

Yup I think he’s maybe autistic with all that sensory stuff . Not that this excuses the way he is with the kids he needs to be the responsible adult there and find a way to cope.
if you split would you be prepared for 5050 care and him being alone in charge of children for half their life? If not you need to start building evidence bank of incidents like this.
eg email him and say ‘DH I need to put this in wiring to get my thoughts clear. This morning you x y z. This isn’t the first time, also recently x y z. The impact on our children is x y z and will be harmful for them growing up. Please find some strategies for managing this or seek professional help - I will support you to do so.’ When he fails, follow this up in a month.
keep a diary of incidents - if you start a new email address for this and email yourself as things happen it’s time stamped record which you cannot be accused of fabricating.

this will all help you argue for more than 5050z

Epicuriouss · 14/04/2026 10:04

I felt like this when my husband used to travel for work: I found it easier somehow being the solo parent, and I loved having the bed to myself. When he came back I would pretend to be glad, but I was always secretly disappointed to have to go back to the same humdrum days.

Now we’re divorced and I have a partner who I only see on the weeks when the kids are with their dad, and I miss him dreadfully whenever he’s not here.

Maybe it’s the relationship that is the issue at hand. If you prefer life without him around…that’s a fairly big realisation.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/04/2026 10:05

I don't particularly miss my husband when he's away but it sounds like for you it's a relief rather than an absence. I do like it when he's back and he doesn't behave in any of these ways. It sounds really difficult and draining. I can't tell you what to do but wouldn't want to stay in the relationship as it is. I guess you can try talking to him, or counselling maybe, and if that doesn't work decide to leave?

boredwfh · 14/04/2026 10:05

I felt this way about my ex, I never missed him. Tbh he made life more stressful. We divorced for various reasons. But I always miss my new DP and there’s no one I’d rather spend time with and that shows me how dysfunctional it was in my last relationship

Famholiday2026 · 14/04/2026 10:10

You need to prepared for him to fight for 50:50 and to get it. You need to think about the upheaval on the kids. I’d really try to go to counselling to address the meltdowns etc first before you throw everything up in the air.

zurigo · 14/04/2026 10:10

Message deleted

Mangelwurzelfortea · 14/04/2026 10:10

Ahhh OP, I ended my marriage for similar reasons. I couldn't bear him touching me (quite a big reason!) and although he was (and is) a nice bloke, I was basically a single mum parenting our mutual children - and him - while he lived in the house and paid for some of it. It was the right thing to do. I too worried about how he'd cope without me doing everything for him, but he's much happier on his own, in his own (very ordered because there are no kids or pets to mess anything up) house. He doesn't eat a healthy diet but he's a grown man so that's on him.

For me, once the ick kicks in, you can't go back to wanting sex with that person. I think it doesn't so much creep in as hit like a ton of bricks when you feel like your partner is actually a third child AND you're expected to have sex with them. I couldn't do it. I'm also much happier in my own house with my kids and pets (which he never liked). Best of luck with it.

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