AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

@Yousernane

There’s this absolutely amazing stuff - it’s called Nature’s Miracle and you can get it on Amazon.
It comes in a jug, so buy an empty spray bottle or two.
There’s no mixing, no fussing - you simply spray it on urine stains until they’re gone.
It’s for pets, but if it works on cat pee - it’ll work on anything.
I’m very sorry. ❤️

If you are incontinent, sleeping on someone else's sofa is contraindicated.

He’s grim! Sorry your stuff got ruined. I hope you can replace the items easily & start to enjoy your new home & life.
Ignore the posters giving you a hard time. Hugs 🤗

I would be upset too but 'ruined' is way over the top and chucking things out which can be washed is really wasteful. Literally throwing money away!

OP just another thought: this is why cultures around the world have traditional "cleansing" rituals to clear "bad energy" from a place using incense, smudge sticks, water, salt, stones, or sound (e.g. wind chimes, singing bowls). You can create your own ritual for this, to shoo off any stagnant, heavy, or disruptive energy and invite in clarity, calm, and protection. It doesn't matter that it sounds a bit "woo" - it's the sort of thing that can help you restore your feeling of peace and calm in your new environment.

Create 15 minutes or so to open all the windows and do something of your choice, e.g. light a scented candle, carrying it into all the corners of the room and mentally "clearing" the space.

I know it sounds bonkers but it re-establishes your sacred space.

If you can face it, you could do something similar with the throws you chucked away. Fish them out of the bin and put them in the washing machine with some extra ingredient (e.g. scent booster), and intentionally start the wash as a kind of purification ritual! Take them out when clean and treat them as wholly fresh and new! If you feel the need to, you could then run the washing machine on empty (if there is one, choose the Clean Cycle / Drum Clean / Service Wash cycle), perhaps with a cup of scent booster granules, to "restore" that too.

We can't always control the things that disrupt our harmony, but we can control the way we deal with them. This kind of "energetic hygiene" is worth practising if you find that this sort of situation really throws you off balance.

Good luck maintaining more careful boundaries in your new home. 💐

I'm 58 and would never behave like this.

If the house still stinks after cleaning; use a pet enzyme spray.

The RSPCA has a product called Wee Away which is excellent at dealing with elderly leaks, but I understand why the op may want to get rid of the damaged items. The business feels like a deliberate marking of her home as Dad's territory, so she needs to deal with it on that level. Not to say that Dad consciously thought of it, but the human male can be an odd animal. If you think that there may be an element of that, don't let him pay for anything. Her home must be absolutely hers alone.

Dad’s a dickhead-never have him in the house again

Also a massive drama llama though for chucking everything.

Whether or not these items are salvageable, it’s pretty clear that OPs lovely clean safe haven now feels tainted, and that’s understandable.
I think if the dad had dementia, OP would have mentioned that, and she’s quite right to feel repulsed by a grown man urinating all over her stuff.
OP, I’m totally with you on this. No need to let any man into your home. Dad has demonstrated that he doesn’t show the level or respect and care that you deserve. He could have offered to clean up, or pay for the damage, but he chose to let his daughter, who has been through so much, shoulder the total responsibility.

These were the marks on the ceiling directly above where he claimed to step in dog pee
i didn’t say he wet on the sofa i think hes wet himself or pissed on the floor which has gone all underneath my rug a large amount too much for my small dog and under the bottom of toy box
i had to chuck the rug as it was saturated and i chucked the toy box not the toys inside it.
then hes slept on sofa in pussy clothes because my throw smelt of it so i chucked that also, if was only a ten pound throw and a cheap rug. But ye i didn’t want to keep them but thats not the point here.
and yes the title was dramatic but it was just the suggested title i used for quickness.

Those pix look more like scuffed paintwork, OP...? As though he threw something or was swinging it around...?

Are you sure they weren't there before?

Or maybe just not very clear photos...

Your typo "hes slept on sofa in pussy clothes" made me smile 🤣

That doesn't make it ok. Are you suggesting that he's incontinent and doesn't know about it? Cos I don't buy it!

And realistically, he pissed himself because he was drunk.

@Yousernane personally I wouldn't have him in my house again - meet him somewhere else.

YABVU to throw all that stuff away - really irresponsible

I'd wash/clean everything then I'd tell him If he visits again it's an alcohol free zone. No alcohol at all before or during visit.

Sorry I couldn’t

Agree with previous posters that your DD has a form of dementia. What you do about it is down to you.

However you said you were short of money so why throw items away when they can be washed ?

You have children so it won’t be the only time you will be cleaning items covered in sick, pee poo ,dried on food, biro, dog or cat pooh and sick etc.

White vinegar will get rid of urine smells, you could have put the throws in the wash with some vinegar too

Unpleasant and yes, highly annoying, but nothing that could not be sorted out by a washing machine and a some cleaning products.

Sounds like dementia to me.
is that feasible?

Absolutely. If you suffer from incontinence don't get so drunk at someone else's house meaning you need to sleep over and therefore piss yourself on their furniture. Incontinence doesn't mean you get to just piss wherever you want all over the fucking place.

OP, does his own home smell of wee?

If so, maybe he cannot control it for whatever reason and it happens from time to time. Or he is generally a slob.

If not, then either he is/has a great cleaner or he truly had an unfortunate one-off accident in your home or does not care enough to stop himself from pissing on your territory.

He lied about it. Why would he lie? Is he embarassed or malicious?

This is an overreaction! Washing machines are made for this, it’s not going to contaminate your machine or anything

Yup, if you are incontinent, you would wear an adult nappy to avoid soiling someone's soft furnishings or bring an Inco pad to line the bed/sofa.

The rug I get though I'd have stuck it in the shower and rinsed it to high heaven then drenched it in enzyme cleaner and then washed with a lot of bio laundry detergent and seen if it came out clean. I'd get the throw out of the bin and do that too and then scrub the sofa with bio laundry detergent and possibly enzyme cleaner too, you can get it cheap on Amazon or at home bargains and the like, great for pet and small human pee so should work for big humans too. I'd wash everythig I can in the washing machine then put the washing machine on a clean setting. Think of it as not letting a man take your things away from you.
I was where you are 5 years ago, which is largely why I always try clean things first to save money. Put up your boundaries even with your dad if need be but dont let anything or anyone stop your house being your safe space. Congratulations on your freedom!

OP l’m sorry but that’s insane. “Man’s piss running through it’ wont harm your washing machine. Detergent will get rid of the pee and the smell and you can get washing machine cleaning fluid to run through it afterwards. If you’re honest you binned them in temper and if you’ve been on the bones of your arse while getting your home together, it’s not the best solution is it ? Can you retrieve them and put them in the washing machine ? You could have your sofa professionally cleaned at home as well as the rug if it’s not washable.

Aside from that, not all men are like that, and if this is a case of your dad getting drunk and losing control then he doesn’t get over the doorstep again. If there’s a suggestion of a medical problem causing incontinence then maybe talk it through and support him getting some help.