AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

Thanks. I also am sorry. The rest of what you wrote was appropriate.

I still think there have been way too many negative posts, about binning everything and sympathy for her father. I think it's apparent that @Yousernane has resentment from her past relationship with her dad.

I see your point and have apologized to @20thCenturyFecks .

I understand OP. You have overcome so much and worked so hard and you just wanted support from your dad, not more issues and more work.

Buy some lovely new throws. You don’t want to be looking at something that he pissed on, you want something that is fresh and new like your fresh new start and that’s understandable.

I would meet your dad outside your home for now. Protect your sanctuary. You deserve that. You can still maintain a relationship with him without that being disrupted.

only invite your Dad for brief visits in future - lunch or similar. Meet at his or out in public. If he questions it, you tell him you can't trust him to not make a mess at yours. Hire a carpet cleaner and wash what you can and replace other things when you can. Enjoy your space again.

He blamed the dog? What an arsehole. Hope the poor dog wasn’t punished.

Bicarbonate of soda is great for getting rid of the smell of urine. Chuck a load on the sofa, leave for overnight then vacuum. Repeat if necessary. YANBU obviously.

Thank you all,
i will keep visits breif now on, no more invites to stay over.
hes only 58 and not an alcoholic but he does smoke and hasnt looked after himself
he did drink too much he dropped tobacco on the floor and armchair also
thank you for all kind comments

also I didn’t make up the title thread i just used suggested one for quickness

What ?

Virus’s happen and I’m generally never ill

but yes obv I washed towels etc

that what washing machine are for

YANBU to be very angry with your father. However it was a complete overreaction to bin throws etc., they could have been washed. He hasn't ruined your new home, it's a minor setback, but I certainly wouldn't be in a hurry to invite him back.

Sadly it happens a lot. Esp with alcoholics

you only need to read some of the posts in alcohol support

pissing over furniture. Not making the bathroom. Pissing in the Wardrobe. Laundry basket. The bed when asleep

People saying the OP could have washed the throws - yes she could, but that's not the point. They were new and symbols of her new life and freedom. Washing may have got rid of the urine but washing doesn't rewrite history. They had still been pissed on by a grown man. Yet again, a man spoils something for the OP, like her abusive ex did for years. The walls are marked, hopefully not stained and can be cleaned, but they've still had stuff thrown on them. The sofa has been pissed on, no matter how well OP can get rid of the smell. Ditto the car seat.

And no, a toddler or an animal weeing on the furniture or spilling things is not the same as a pissed grown man doing it. Not at all.

OP I hope you manage to find some lovely new things and can have a reset in your mind that this time, this really is your new start.

How quickly dod he get so drunk he wet himself? I assume he wasn't plastered when you said he could stay given you have kids in the house.

I'd be pissed off too but also concerned.

@Yousernane I voted "YABU" because your father pissing himself has absolutely nothing to do with him being a man.

I believe women are also capable of pissing.

Are you always this dramatic???

Does dad have a condition? Im not understanding how he could peed so many places, and done it again in your car?

YANBU to be upset. But YABU to throw that stuff out, Id have just washed them.

YANBU i hate men too. Entitled, arrogant and ignorant.

Op I specified appreciate this might sound like a stretch and apologies if it isn't relevant, but is there any chance your dad could be into drugs as well as drink? Only that dark stains on ceilings is pretty unusual, and it's something I've come across with IV drug users (the dark stains being blood, from a poor injection technique)
Obviously I hope it isn't anything like that but I just mention it in case you've had any suspicions, as there's lots of possible explanations for marks on walls but on the ceiling is much harder to do accidentally.

I'm sorry you've had this experience with your dad, though well done on finding your anger and setting a boundary with him.

@Birdsongisangry yes although i think the marks were too big to be that

Your dad has drug issues? He was injecting in your house?!

No he has in the past had issues

YANBU! Piss all over the room! What the hell was he doing?!

Ok so he’s an ex drug user, he wets himself when drunk. He’s at best wrecked his body if he’s not actually an addict now. (Which he might be. They’re good at hiding it.) I know he’s your dad but he doesn’t sound like someone who should be around kids and he’s probably the reason you’ve ended up with the wrong guys. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you want a new life and fresh start - might be another relationship to rethink.

smoking in your brand new lovely house is worse than wee smells -especially if he’s drunk and could fall asleep with a lit cigarette.
perhaps meet in the park or somewhere else where he can still see your DCs but not trash your house. Well done on starting over, good luck

@Yousernane

I understand your anger, I really do. It's kind of like getting that first scratch on a new car. But I think this is a reaction based purely on emotion rather than trying to be more practical about things. But listen, if this is a thing where you feel you couldn't stand to look at the items ever again because of the way the incident made you feel and you can afford to replace them, I can understand.

But washing machines are meant to clean all sorts. And if you loved your new things why not wash them and see how they turn out? Washing a load of things that have been pissed on isn't going to make your machine unsanitary. I mean, we wash nappies and baby & kids clothes that have wee on them and no one's died from pissy washer syndrome that I know of. And I daresay that most parents have cleaned up their kids' wee (or worse) from floors or walls, too. I know, kid wee is 'different' because it's our kids. But not to a washing machine and not to a floor or a wall. Biologically, wee is wee.

As far as your dad, I wouldn't let him in my house if he's had even one ounce of alcohol, nor would I allow him to smoke in my house. If he can't respect your rules, then he wouldn't be welcome, period.

Sadly it’s clear where you developed your attraction to abusive narcissistic men.
Breaking the cycle is bloody hard. Good luck

And tell your waste of space father to piss off. Pun intended.