AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

This is awful but why on earth bin them?Its crazy to say you didnt want to use your brandnee wahing machine. This is what washing machines are for and a new one would be very efficient.
I would be angry and ban him from staying but to throw stuff away is OTT

Wasn’t he pissed ? Incontinence usually isn’t a feature of dementia until the later stages.

OP I remember my dad pissing himself on my sofa and just blanking me when I pointed it out. Ugh - and he arrived at my house once having shat himself and his car seat. Again no apology for smearing shit all round the bathroom when he tried to clean himself up.

Your Dad's pathetic excuse about the dog reminds me of that.

In my dad's case it was various physical problems plus probably his drinking habit. It was sad when they got so bad he couldn't visit any longer then died not long after, but I remained very angry with him for his selfishness. It saddens me to have to remember him like that but no two ways about it, it was vile and pathetic at the same time. Where was his self-respect?

I absolutely sympathise with you for being livid.

My dad used to pee on the telly so us kids couldn't watch it.

Just bar him. I have drunk alcohol for 70 plus years without wetting a bed. His behaviour is unacceptable

YANBU to be furious but YABVU and wasteful not to just wash the items instead of binning them. Your reasoning on that
is ridiculous. If you were concerned you could have run the machine empty on a boil wash before washing anything else.

That's really sad. It must have been horrible for you to witness.

Classic MN - everyone having a go at the OP and NOT AT THE MAN WHO PISSED ON HER STUFF.

I think everyone can agree what her dad did was disgusting. However what people are saying is that for some who claims to have nothing she has thrown everything away rather than use a washing machine for it's intended purpose, i.e. clean things
She is complaining about human wee, which admittedly isn't great, but no doubt she will have to wash her kids clothes if and when they have accidents or wash bedding if they accidentally wet the bed.

It’s clear most posters jumping in with rubbish about her dad potentially having dementia haven’t read the whole thread. He’s a 58-year-old ex drug user who got so drunk he pissed himself. He’s not a sweet old man who had an accident. Amazing how many people on this forum will find a reason to defend men whatever they do.

I think he was disgusting and would have thrown everything he pissed on out as well in your situation. Adult alcoholic urine is the pits and on your new stuff as well. Have you insurance on your goods? If so it could be classed as accidental damage and hopefully you haven't got a high excess.

I'm not negating your anger at your situation, but just wanted to point out the stuff on the ceiling might not be related. We had similar marks on bedroom ceilings following a leak in the loft (the angled bit being where it went around the joists).

This - you are bu to hate all.men.
l would be furious at your DF too, but you should have washed the items not binned them unless you can easily afford to replace them, which l assume is not the case.

This is so sad , your dad who should have come round and been proud of you and done a bit of dad DiY , instead come around and drunk , pissed all over the place blames the dog and leaves without cleaning up

very disappointing behaviour

can you speak to him about it and would he recognise his behaviour is unacceptable ?

last but not least congratulations on your brave new life !

I agree with others that throws could be washed, rug possibly washed, sofa he should pay to be professionally cleaned.
i wouldn’t have him stay again and he should pay for any cleaning round the house.
I assume this was totally new behaviour tho from your reaction so that must be a worry?

I don’t totally agree with others saying it’s completely solvable, urine on a sofa is not easy to complete remove depending on the material and how far it’s sunk in.

Are you a drama llama, nothings is ruined and everything can be cleaned / washed / wiped down. Just don't invite him to stay over again

Again this 'just wash them, it's no different to a child/pet.'🤦 As it happens, my dog peed on the bathroom mat today (it's happened before) when she was on her own in the house. I just said, 'tch, bloody dog' and slung it in the washing machine and thought little more of it. It is totally UNLIKE some skanky drunken man pissing on something, which even if washed, would remind me of their horrible loutish act and annoy hell out of me every time I looked at it, and I don't have OP's history of trauma.

Did you over react by binning something- possibly
could it be cleaned- very likely
would you look at the items and just be annoyed by the memory, think you could still smell the wee?- agree with binning

Don’t denigrate someone who’s got out of a shitty abusive relationship - drama llama ffs. I would imagine she’s had enough name calling to last a lifetime. Are you normally this tone deaf?

Those marks on the ceiling looking like a leak from.what ever room is above, you'd struggle to get coffee/coke on a ceiling unless u deliberately chucked it up there, and even then it would be a line shape

Oh, don’t be silly- the washing machine won’t be any the worse for washing that stuff!

This!
I’m so sorry you’ve had this
make him replace everything definately

And I’d bin the lot I wouldn’t want anything with a grown man’s wee all over it!

This. Don't ever invite him back again. You can get upholstery cleaner that eliminated urine. Get the pet one.

That's a lot of wee. How on earth did he get it on the ceiling? Did he lose control of his hose?