AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Yikes! Sorry, but unless there are any developmental issues at play here, you really need to pull your finger out! Aside from anything else, you will want to get this sorted well before baby comes along.

She’s very behind, and from your mil perspective if you didn’t sort this at 2 or 3 or 4 why will you be able to sort this at. 4 1/2? The book oh crap potty training worked very well for my son. The older she gets the harder. You need to take a week off work and boot camp this.

Your MIL is correct and it won’t do any of you any harm to hear it.

Annoying, sure, but I imagine she’s concerned about your DD’s development, either a new baby coming soon and school not long after.

I agree with your MIL.

Indeed, why would you wait until summer when a newborn is there too!

I think this might be a reverse…

Jeepers, I'd be concerned if you were my DIL.

The dummy may well be a battle; probably best to address it before the new baby comes, it'll probably be less stressful for you.

Your DD is very behind! Life is only going to be busier and more challenging when your new baby arrives. Not to mention this will be a significant change for hour DD.

there is ZERO need to wait for good weather to potty train. You are just making excuses. You and your DP need to hell your child and stop giving up and delaying milestones

Yep sorry I have an April 2022 baby who’s been potty trained a year and a half, won’t even drink out of a sippy cup now has to be big boy cup and is telling me his catepillars re now in their chrysalis’ and are completing their metamorphosis into butterflies… unless she’s developmentally delayed I’m afraid you’re failing her.

You're feeling defensive because you know your MIL is right and you feel guilty. You can't change the past, your daughter presumably finds things a bit more challenging than the average child, but stop making excuses and just get on with making changes now.

I agree with MIL, why on earth does a 4 year old need a bottle of milk for bed? You say her teeth are fine now but it is one of the worst things for tooth decay.
I would prioritise getting rid of that asap and then crack on with potty training and getting rid of the dummy. Whatever your reasons are for babying her, you are holding her back.

I honestly think she’s worried and she’s hoping that if you don’t address it, her speaking to your DD might help.

And what an earth is the big deal with some of this? The potty training- just keep things going unless you’re both too distressed. Leaving things much later when she’s already 4 is a bit of a hostage to fortune- both in terms of missing the window when she’ll do it and getting very close to starting reception.

The bottle of milk- if she’s brushing her teeth afterwards I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal but she absolutely must be brushing her teeth before sleep and it’s not going to help with potty training either. So would it not just be more sensible to just stop giving her that and the dummy? Yes you might have a few bad nights but it will soon be over and she’ll hopefully be in a better routine before the new baby arrives and it becomes twice as hard.

Check the bullying policy at your school if you're worried about kids being mean to her.

YABU your MIL is right you may not like hearing it but your setting your daughter up to be a target for bullies if you don’t get the
potty training sorted soon and stop the dummy
you are doing your DD no favours at all and it will be even harder to sort out once the new baby is born.

Agree. Or rage bait.

I don’t think your MIL should have been saying it to your DD. It’s a bit passive aggressive and annoying. But, honestly. I can see why she is worried.

Bottles and soothers can start to affect the shape of their whole mouth as they age. And going to sleep with a bottle of milk is an absolute no no … it will start to damage them.

Don’t wait until the better weather arrives to toilet train. Just get at it. It’s so difficult to train an older child, I know, I had a very reluctant trainer. But you need to get on it because the baby arriving will be a huge upheaval for her. And you want to get as much done as you can before baby.

How is the rest of her development? Her speech ? Is she hitting her milestones.

Your MIL choice of words re bullying probably isn't the most tactful... but otherwise she's absolutely correct (unless you are going to drip feed additional needs or something).

You've tried potty training multiple times to no avail and just keep reverting to nappies or pull ups... why would she bother learning then? She us starting school in 4/5 months presumably and needs to be confidently going to the loo herself.

Bottle and dummy, yes you probably have been far too lenient and I think you may be in for a ride awakening when baby no2 comes along and your 4yo nose possibly gets out of joint....

You don’t think telling a 4 year old she’ll get bullied at school will do any harm??? I very much disagree. While I do think she’ll too old for nappies, or dummies, or bottles of milk, you can’t speak to a 4 year old like that! She should politely give her opinion, to her son, not DIL, once then butt out.

Wtf

I have a dd who is not 4 until May and the bottle is long gone. I remember thinking she had it quite late, probably past 2 but certainly hasn’t been a thing for a very long time now. The potty training thing is hard - both my dc were ‘late’ by MN standards in doing this at just over 3 but I wasn’t too fussed about that. Providing they are done before starting school it’s nobody else’s business.

The thing is…she is starting school soon. September will come around quickly and she needs to have ditched the dummy and certainly be potty trained reliably by then. Are there any developmental concerns? If you’re honest with yourself have you chosen to baby her? If so it’s not a crime and I’m sure it comes from a place of love but you really need to get these basic things sorted now or she will be miles behind her peers when she starts school.

I can see why you don’t like what MIL is saying but she’s probably worried and trying to help.

Also what are you doing re the potty training. If your attempts have been a bit half-arsed then that might be the issue. Mine took a few weeks each time, but it worked with pants only (apart from at night) (no nappies or pull ups in the day), relentless reminders and bring sat on the potty every hour. Same routine at nursery. And yes it does take longer than a couple of days in most cases.

I feel sorry for this little girl as well as the teacher who will inevitably have to deal with this come September.

Many children regress when the a new baby arrives. Unless you get these issues sorted now life is going to be so much more difficult then

The bullying comment to the kid isn’t necessary but the rest of it is totally fair.