Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

Do not have a family with a 52 year old drug addict who lies to you.

I'd leave him.

They've been together 24 years

Have he got decent life insurance?

You married a drug-taker... and have tolerated him continuing to take drugs in the 24 years you have been married. He will never, ever change. He has been taking hard ore drugs for the majority of his life. Pregablin is also a highly addicted drug.

He isn't going to change. Ever.

In my experience, taking those types of party drugs are something that people don't really give up unless they become addicted. They just stop going out as much and so stop using them as frequently.

I think she thought he stopped

I’ve only just found out he still takes them.

You can’t change him. You can choose if you want this to be your life or not.

To be honest, a 52 year old doing coke and MDMA and drinking like a fish at gigs would be a huge turn off. At some point, you have to grow up.

Beyond that, no wonder he has anxiety! I’m on pregabalin for pain and you certainly aren’t supposed to drink on it, let alone use drugs. He’s frying his brain. But that’s his prerogative.

You can choose to accept it or you can choose to take control of your own life. My guess is he’s going to have a heart attack soon anyway given his health issues, mixing with meds, and his substance abuse, so get your ducks in a row.

That ship has sailed, our kids are adults now. I only just found out he never actually stopped

Stay with him but make sure he has good life cover or leave.

Let’s face it he’s not going to make old bones.

It's your choice if you want to live like that, because he's never ever going to change. He's probably going to die young. He clearly does not want to stop and no amount of you going on at him will make him, it has to come from within him.

So if you can't stand it, then you need to leave him and make a calmer life on your own.

I think he'd be uninsurable

He has kept it from you for years. 4You now know two things: he's needs drugs. He's a very good liar.

Decide if you can live with that or not.

Nothing useful to add in terms of experience but couldn’t read and run - I don’t think you are at all unreasonable in questioning everything, he’s lied to you for 24 years! Even without the health problems he’s stacking up and the associated risks of coke and MDMA alongside those health problems, he has destroyed your trust and tainted what you thought you had built.
I can’t understand anyone who would blame you for leaving and I cannot get my head around how it sounds like your adult kids know and don’t think it’s a big deal?!
I’m so sorry x

Honestly I'd leave him to it

What does your life look like? Do you have enough money to leave? The kids say that you seem unhappy. Imo that is separate to your man, sorry

you need to look after you - hes a grown man who is happy being who he is. Its you that is suffering and not making changes

The fact is, he’s unlikely going to change, and if he does it’s likely it’ll be because he’s “doing it for you” rather than himself, which often means the success is less likely and he may be resentful (wrongly so!).

I think you need to decide if this is something you can live with sadly.

he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry.

I took this to mean she knows he is still doing it?

That dies worry me actually - if he had a heart attack or stroke due to drug use, would the life insurance still be valid?

Yeah since she found out that he hadnt stopped a year ago. That's when those lies have started. So for 23 years, she thought he stopped.

Yeah that wasn't clear. Anyway even if it's a been a year, she knows it hasn't stopped in a year and he doesn't want to stop... so again he is absolutely never going to change.

@NellyAmelia No, it's very unlikely if he had a heart attack with drugs in his system that you'd get a payout. It would be classed as death by misadventure. Also if he has pre-existing conditions those may not pay out either (stroke etc).

But I don't think the life insurance is what you should be thinking of really here. You can't trust him, you don't agree with his lifestyle changes you're and he doesnt want to change. You are still very young... is this the life you want?

You married a drug user. He said he would stop. Drug users lie.
And ultimatums don’t work. You can’t change his behaviour. But you can change your response. Time to go?

I think using illegal substances invalidates a pay out usually

She found out that for 23 years, while they seemingly built a somewhat stable and decent life, he was covertly taking these drugs.

That's a big thing because you cant exactly argue that you are worried certain things will occur, because they haven't in over two decades. It would be very confusing. Then if he says he will stop, and you have to consider throwing a whole life away, you may be inclined to believe him. A year processing this and going through these changes is nothing.

do your kids know ? How embarrassing.