Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

So until you saw the message you had not even a suspicion?

I thought he was just getting very drunk. He lied to me and said he would never touch drugs again and hadn’t since we met and so I believed him.

I can understand that.

I had a similar situation with my husband, quite some time ago now, but I had a newborn and reached my limit
about a year or so after my suspicion started.

I left him. He got help. We got back together a year later and he has worked hard to put it all behind him.

However he had a severe addiction. He was doing it all the time. Your DH does it at festivals. If he didn’t go, would that mean he would go without?

Yeah that's not my experience. People will do a line or a bit of molly well into their 60s.

He could get Over 50s life cover, if he isn't insured already.

That’s not quite true. In his 40s my boyfriend was in a relationship with a coke user and he used it too. Then he ended things and got clean. He’s off the coke completely now. He did have a stent put in after heart artery issues after the relationship ended so think that may have panicked him. He was always into healthy eating and running.

If he goes to rehab and gets off the drugs I’d consider giving him a chance. Otherwise it’s out and divorce. Ultimatum time.

It does pay in the case of suicide, but only usually if the policy has been in place for at least 12-24 months.

But the OPs husband isn't 52... and doesn't want to stop.

You can’t go to rehab for occasional use of drugs at a festival. Not only does it cost tens of thousands of pounds but it’s not appropriate treatment

t was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years.
She didn't know and he lied.

Well he needs some sort of intervention.

Same here. Would not believe the amount of older men and women still into class A drugs in 50s and 60s.

I don’t think you understand insurance 😂 they will use anything they can to wriggle out of paying!

Why does he need an intervention?
I'm actually very anti-drugs but he clearly doesn't want to stop, hasn't stopped for over 20+ years from what we now know, and is a recreational (3-4 times a year) not a daily user.

The OP can be disgusted all she wants (I would be tbh) and decided if she can live with it or if she will leave him.

But nothing screams that he needs an intervention?

Well you can read the posts from 2 posters here who have personal experience of receiving insurance payouts following their partner’s death.

If he's on Pregablin then he's pretty much already a smackhead. Do some research on it. Xxx

He takes drugs when he goes out. Yes it’s only once a year or so but he still takes them. He needs professional help.

You’re avoiding the question of what kind of professional help you think is available for someone who takes drugs a few times a year at festivals?

But he doesn't want help... not everyone needs or wants to stop using drugs.

What professional help would you suggest for someone who is perfectly content in their life...?

He is at risk of stroke, and then you’d have to be his carer.

Well she wouldn’t have to would she?

I think if he does it 3-4 x a year, it's actually not THAT uncommon - even amongst 50 year olds. Sure, most don't, but lots of people who had a hedonistic lifestyle when younger never really grow out of it. We all know people who would fall into this category.

However this is entirely up to the OP if the lying and ongoing usage is something that she can get past, or if it is a deal breaker. The usage wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but the lying maybe would be.

One thing iI know for sure that he is highly unlikely to stop now after a lifetime of it.

I would be worried that my kids would be burdened with him

I agree.