Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

This.
You'd think this would be the more usual reaction, rather than essentially telling their mother to put up with it. You do not have to do what they say. They are young with limited life experience and want everything to be swept under the carpet so they can pretend it's all gone and don't have to deal with difficult things. But they aren't married to him.

What do you want to do? Because there are only 2 choices - stay with him and accept his behaviour, or leave. 100% the man will not stop the drugs, however much you want him to, because he does not want to.

I’m very against drugs and I find the whole coke supply chain and what you’re contributing to by buying it so abhorrent that it would be a deal breaker for me, that’s aside from lies.

Yes very

I’m agree - the county lines, cuckooing, addictions just in the UK never mind the at source.

I want to leave and I don’t want him but after 25 years it’s scary, I’m 56 and I will lose my family home we’ve made so lovely and had all our memories of the children, I’ll live alone in a small house where there’s no room further all the children to come home at once which is not what I had planned for my retirement. All our plans are gone.

They would know because a death that is sudden or at a young age would probably trigger them asking for a screening for intoxicants or a full autopsy, which is why I was asking if it was the kind of habitual drug use that would show up on an autopsy. I imagine anyone who dies at a large festival probably has to have an autopsy or at least a tox screen before insurance pays out? But I don’t know. When you mentioned this might invalidate your insurance, I thought you meant he was doing it every weekend when he went to a gig. Three or four times a year????? Could not matter less (UNLESS he dies WHILE doing it). I mean, obviously, I 100% support you, because if this is a red line for you, then it’s a red line. I wouldn’t even get that worked up about it - I mean, there are probably only about 8 sober people in all of Burning Man (besides special sober groups).

Wait is this thread real? You’re going to ruin your own life because your otherwise loving, wonderful husband does molly three times a year? Am I understanding that correctly? Sweet Jesus, I hope this isn’t real.

What do you mean of course not? Why wouldn’t life insurance pay out for a drug induced heart attack? You pay for life insurance, not a moral judgement.

So would I

OP it’s ok for you to decide this is your red line.

I think it is a huge life decision. You need to think about your ability to raise a mortgage and regain any pension you lose in the divorce. but you don’t have to stay married when you don’t want to

As you said he's high BP he's playing russian roulette with his heart taking stimulant drugs,drink and prescribed drugs.
At 52 the party is well and truly over
I was an amphetamine user for 20 years due to the scene I was involved in.quit mid 30s now hitting 60.

It is very real, it’s a betrayal of trust. It be looked after him when he’s had severe mental health crisis following these binges but not knowing why his meds suddenly weren't working to the detriment of my own happiness and that of our family. It takes weeks for him to get on an even keel again and it’s only now putting the pieces of the jigsaw together.

Of course it would be hard and scary, there's no denying that. And all your future plans would change. But they'd change too if he died. But in that scenario, yes, you'd be better off. It depends what you want for your future. I would think the peace of mind and freedom from living with an addict who won't change would be worth a financial sacrifice, but you may not.

If you can't face leaving him then you stay. And you can't expect any sympathy for making that choice and you would then have to accept your choice and not tell him how angry you are, and somehow find a way to let go of your own anger, and continue to live with an addict whose health will deteriorate.

Neither choice is easy, but one will give you a much more peaceful and stable life.

He wants to still pretend he is in his 20’s

either accept he is a twat and will harm himself or leave

he isn’t going to change

Oh gosh. Ok, I completely understand now. Yes, I’m sorry. That’s VERY different than someone just going for a weekend and coming home and being a bit “down” and needing an extra coffee on Monday. I’m so sorry; you must feel so incredibly gaslit, and I would be so, so hurt in your shoes. If leaving is what you need to do… well, don’t do it, make him leave. But you get my point. I’m just so, so sorry about the loss of the future you had planned. Please just know, I’ve been through it myself; that enormous betrayal and then the mess of divorce. You are a woman, you are strong enough, and you will get through this and rebuild.

you will be ok, you need to have faith in yourself of course it’s frightening

life is rarely how we planned it but vast majority when they have been in situations they find makes them miserable and angry when they move on it’s worked out better

it won’t be what you had planned or what you wanted, that gone now, those plans are from the past but it can certainly be better than what you have now

Yes, I feel like they should focus on their cokehead father and his decades of lies

If he's doing it at least once a week then that's a problem.

If it's once every few months then if it were me it wouldn't be that big a deal. He's just having fun and is not an addict

Problem is he's 52 with high blood pressure and MH issues.

Men who carry on in their 50s like they are still in their 20s are deeply pathetic. Give him the boot.

But how much is he taking the drugs? If he's able to do it, say, once every four months, then he's not addicted

You don't have to be addicted to have a heart attack.
I obviously don't know how much he's tooting.

Because it's self inflicted

Plenty of people died from self inflicted things. As well as bad lifestyle choices some people
straight out kill themselves

life insurance doesn’t get to pick and chose what death it pays out for, existing conditions accounted for, obviously.

imagine if you paid them every month and after 40 years of paying they refused to pay out because they don’t approve of the way you die!

Life insurance doesn't pay out for suicide either

There is a list of things in a policy document that make the policy null & void. If you kill yourself, if the nominated person murders you, and quite often if you die of drug or cigarette use whilst having said on the insurance forms you are not a user.