Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

That’s quite an old fashioned view from the days where metal health was poorly understood and suicide was illegal.

it almost always covered now, but with a qualifying period so you can’t take it out after the plan has been made.

I agree with the kids that you need to stop being angry.
you’ve tried achieving that through getting him to change his behaviour…he isn’t willing to so stop banging your head against that particular brick wall. What else will stop you feeling angry?
is it leaving and cutting contact with him?
or staying but getting your affairs in order so that you can manage without him if/when he dies early?
would you be willing to be his carer for several years knowing that he could have avoided needing care?

Personally this man would have me heading for the hills….the single life always looks pretty appealing after an hour on Mumsnet, but only you can work out what’s best.

just stop waiting for him to change…he won’t!

Total bullshit. I don't touch drugs now I've got kids but I did allsorts in my youth. Same for a lot of my friends.

He's an idiot for doing that shit at his age and fitness levels. He's ripe for a heart attack.

Absolute bollocks. You shouldn't go around spouting rubbish about things you clearly know nothing about.

My husband killed himself and the life insurance paid out in full with no problems whatsoever.

I think as a start you say you want nothing to do with getting him on an even keel, he needs to stay somewhere else for 3 weeks after a festival now, or however long it usually takes. Make it clear you’re still thinking about ending the marriage, and it’s an absolute no to putting up with his post drugs recovery, whether it’s mood or physical health it’s self inflicted and not something you will allow in your house for one more second. I bet you’ve put a lot of support and tolerance into him while he comes down that you haven’t had back. If he argues you say the alternative is that you leave and don’t come back ever, which is still one I’m thinking about. These are your only two options right now, would you like to pack a bag? I won’t put up with your come downs ever again, I won’t support you through them, you’re on your own.

I don’t think this makes much sense tbh, and he won’t take it seriously. Where is he going to live for 3 weeks after a session?

I’m curious as to how you didn’t discover this in the last 24 years?!

Perhaps in the UK.
I'm in Ireland and I work in insurance (underwriter) and it absolutely isn't an old fashioned view. It's a fact.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I were you, I’d look at getting therapy for yourself and potentially as a couple to work out how you’re going to address this. There’s so much nuance to situations like this, which Mumsnet simply can’t address.

Wee bit harsh with the 😂to someone's husband that committed suicide.
Disagree with eachother by all means.

you can easily google it.

maybe they’re still old fashioned in Ireland.

you owe the poster who lost their husband an apology

OP, I’m not anti-drugs at all, in fact I think most should be legalised, but if this is a red line for you, then you should stick to it.

There is no point in getting angry. You need to let the anger go, especially if it’s making you ill. You can’t change him. And not because he’s addicted, but because he doesn’t have the same views about drugs as you do so he sees nothing wrong with taking them 3-4 times a year.

But if you do then that’s your right. But instead of arguing with him about it you just need to leave. Either that or let him get on with it.

I'm not going to be nice and engage with someone who was rude in the first instance. I didn't mention the death.

An apology... that'll be a no from me

I disagree. He's sneaking around, lying, making excuses and gaslighting op to avoid being found it. It might not be full blown addiction but certainly sounds like functioning addiction. Especially given he's knowingly risking his marriage over it.

Op I'd be curious about the dynamics. If this is planned or something he's caught up into on the night. Who's he going with and are they partaking?

If he's just getting caught up in the moment and not planning on using then he needs to stop going to gigs and concerts if he can't handle that setting. If he's planning it then he needs to be at NA and getting help with this. Either way actually narcotics counselling might help him. Mediation as well to help him understand the impact on his family.

I think the bit I'd find hardest op is that you're telling him this is actively hurting you and he doesn't care enough to change. That's telling. Because either he doesn't care and is selfish. Or he's not in control in which case he needs to accept help.

You're entitled to leave if you want to but I agree it's a big change for you and I think you need to weigh up where you'd be happier. I know I feel much better mentally having left my ex even though we have less, our home is smaller and I need to budget more carefully. So for me it was absolutely worth it especially for ds sake. But you need to weigh that up for yourself. I have friends who's spouse uses recreationally but they have always been fine with it and never intended to have kids and can manage fine on one salary and that's an informed choice they've made. The difference here is you weren't informed, you set a boundary and he sneaked behind that. So unfortunately you can't control what he does but you can control what you do next.

I'm sorry op that's a hard and lonely place to find yourself. I hope you're being gentle with yourself.

How often are you talking? Is he doing it regularly and going to gigs weekly/monthly? Or is it 1-2 times a year at a weekend festival? I think there’s a difference. The latter is very much recreational and the former more problematic IMO. However, you’re angry he lied and it seems as though any drug taking is a dealbreaker so you have no choice but to leave. The trust is lost.

I’d have thought not, unless he declared his drug use when the policy was taken out.

But those 3-4 weekends a year that he takes drugs lead to several weeks a time of being mentally unwell afterwards and the OP having to support him. So it's not just the few days at a festival, it has a much wider impact on the whole family. Its around 3 months a year they lose due to the man's drug taking even though he only takes it on a few weekends.

The kids are grown know. If he doesn’t care about his health I would just let it go or if it’s a true dealbreaker - I would leave.

I do find what your husband did reprehensible (lie to circumvent your boundaries though.)

This. At this point OP accepts it or leaves. He isn’t going to change.

I think, this is one of those situations where you don't necessarily need someone to change if their occasional behaviour isn't impacting your life. I know you're worried, but he would be doing it whether you were together or not

But you said this:

”
he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. ”

He was showing me a funny message on his phone from his mate and the message above it mentioned drugs - over the next few weeks it all emerged but he tried to minimise it even then.