Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

Of course not!

What is be thinking about is if he had a heart attack or stroke and survived, or developed early onset dementia because of the drugs and alcohol, and you'd be left looking after him for the next twenty odd years.

I know it sounds callous but why should you when it's completely self inflicted.

I'd be getting out now.

The only thing that would make me pause would be if it's not you looking after him, will it fall to one of the kids, in which case it wouldn't be fair on them to have their life ruined so young.

lol. Have you ever known a drug user to stop? It’s always there in the background. As op dh has proved once again after 24 years!!

I didn't say a year was nothing... did I? 🙄

But she has had a year now of knowing that he has spent a lifetime together lying... that he has no problem lying to her... has a drug problem... and now she knows he doesn't want to change.

So the decision now is whether to continue in a marriage and constantly worry, or take a leap and leave. It's a shit choice, but only the OP can know what to do.

Whst do you need him for?

There's also the possibility the kids won't want anything to do with him. He's been a drug user their entire lives... they will probably feel they don't even know him.

Please can you quote people when you answer?
Click on the word QUOTE which is under every post, on the left.
Thank you.

I wouldn't mock the OP for being naive to the behaviours of drug users.

its simple....what do YOU want to do?

He's a selfish addict and it sounds like he won't quit, so it comes down to if you want to ignore it and live with that, or split with him. You've already given him one ultimatum in life, for the importance of having a family together and he ignored that and cracked on. Another ultimatum is unlikely to have a different outcome. The ultimatum you should give is to yourself is do you want to live with this and the outcomes surronding the fallout when he's older, even more health issues etc, do you want to care for someone who chose the drugs over you and lied about it?

If he dies from a drug OD or similar, no the insurance wont pay out.

No.

If you are dependent on his life insurance in order for you to be solvent should he die, it will be invalidated if he dies as a direct result of drug abuse. It may even be invalidated if they conclude historical drug use was a factor in his death, due to the fact that he didn’t disclose drug use when applying for the insurance, I assume. You can attempt to get him new insurance where he admits to the drug use, but it may cost 10x as much if he qualifies at all, and he probably won’t (Drug use? Maybe. Drug use and high blood pressure? Ha, yeah right, pull the other one; it’s got bells on it).

1. How many giga does he go to a year?
2. You better check if historical drug use invalidates your insurance but ONLY if he’s been doing it consistently for 24 years. If he does it 3 times a year at gigs, I would worry slightly less.
3. My main concern would be him taking two illegal drugs known to cause high blood pressure when he already has high blood pressure. I don’t know if he’s suicidal or just in denial. But again, going to 2 gigs a year is different to a gig every weekend.

Good luck, OP.

My husband died of a drug overdose and the life insurance did eventually pay out. They really tried not to but it came down to whether they could prove he lied when we took out the insurance.

I voted YABU as you have consistently accepted his life choices for many years now.

Also just to add that it worked in my favour that I had absolutely no idea he used drugs and was 100% genuine in my complete shock when the insurance company questioned me.

Did you read the thread?

Apparently the adult children think she should stop being angry about it. So, yes.

Oh yes I did see that 🙄

Yes my daughter did raise that she’s in her 20s. I assured her she would not be expected to look after him.

He chose the drugs over you already - several times. It's never going to change unfortunately and if you're honest with yourself you know this deep down.

I’m not sure how often maybe only 3 or 4 times a year but as there’s no records if that, how would they know?

I’m not dependent on his life insurance, our salaries are pretty equal. I’m 5 years older so any new mortgage would be restricted I guess. I agree about the other meds too - the contraindications are scary and as coke particularly counteracts them, they’ve had there effectiveness reduced for years.

They do think it’s a big deal but they can see that my anger is making me ill

I’m sorry fur your loss. Thank you for posting this, it was really useful

My children can see that my anger is making me poorly, they want me to let it go for my own good. They ate as shucked as I am.

Are they not be angry at their father too for making you so distraught and ill?