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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Me or the drugs?!!

157 replies

NellyAmelia · 12/04/2026 15:25

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 19:36

Charel2girl5 · 14/04/2026 18:34

OP can I ask why you would have to move out and not him. His circus his monkeys! Look after yourself, you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his mistakes. Look after yourself.

I took it that they would both need to downsize and sell the house?

giddyboo · 14/04/2026 19:42

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 15:27

Do not have a family with a 52 year old drug addict who lies to you.

I'd leave him.

I agree.

Aquarius91 · 14/04/2026 19:42

NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:09

I wish that was the case, he’s on a lot of anxiety meds and has had months at a time off work due to his mental health, not helped by taking drugs that prevent his meds from working and have probably contributed to his illness.

Oh god. Honestly this doesn’t paint a picture of a nice lifestyle. If it was genuinely just recreational use 3 times a year with no ill effects, I’d get why you were angry but wouldn’t be a deal breaker, personally. But he sounds like an absolute loser. Months of work for “mental health” as a direct result of drug and alcohol abuse. Ickkk. Can you buy him out of the house so you can stay there at all? Could family help you (early inheritance fo example?). I get why you’re reluctant but it’s the sunk costs fallacy. Don’t waste another minute on him.

NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:08

Lavender14 · 14/04/2026 18:32

Op when you say he comes home lairy and inappropriate do you feel safe around him? Is he in any way abusive?

No I’ve never felt he was going to harm me, more likely to harm himself I think. He has a lot of anxiety which manifest as rude and lairy, he’s not great at mixing with other men he says due to his overbearing father so he gets smashed to mask it all.

OP posts:
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:10

Aquarius91 · 14/04/2026 19:42

Oh god. Honestly this doesn’t paint a picture of a nice lifestyle. If it was genuinely just recreational use 3 times a year with no ill effects, I’d get why you were angry but wouldn’t be a deal breaker, personally. But he sounds like an absolute loser. Months of work for “mental health” as a direct result of drug and alcohol abuse. Ickkk. Can you buy him out of the house so you can stay there at all? Could family help you (early inheritance fo example?). I get why you’re reluctant but it’s the sunk costs fallacy. Don’t waste another minute on him.

I’ve got no inheritance coming to me but he had a sizeable one. I’d love to be able to stay in the family home but I just can’t afford to buy him out.

OP posts:
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:11

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 19:36

I took it that they would both need to downsize and sell the house?

I can’t afford to buy him out to give him his share so we will need to sell our family home or share it but as two separate people.

OP posts:
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:13

nochance17 · 13/04/2026 14:33

Do you want to be his carer when his health inevitably fails ?

I don’t but I would be worried if the burden would fall to my children.

OP posts:
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