Me or the drugs?!!

[NellyAmelia]

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

Absolutely I agree. It’s the hiding and lying that is the difficult bit to get over plus I’ve had to care for him on the come downs not knowing what they were. I feel like a complete idiot or angry and swing between the two.

He wants his life to continue the same ad it’s always been including the hidden bit. It’s like if he had a he might stand every few months but then thought he could just carry on if I found out.

You’re not an idiot and you have every right to be angry.

Decide what you want. What you will and won’t accept.

As for your children, they are also adults and must do the same.

Then lay it on the line for him.

I don’t think it’s embarrassing, I would be more worried about my dad than embarrassed.

Anyway, you know he lies and takes drugs he is not going to change

you have

3 options:

Escape
Stay and accept he is who is is
Stay in this limbo of hatred and un forgiveness

The choice is yours and they are all options

You can be free of him after 24 years, unless you are really looking forward to taking care of him round the clock after he gives himself a stroke from which he will likely never fully recover.

Do you want to be his carer when his health inevitably fails ?

You're not an idiot..he's a deceitful git.

Sounds like youre more upset about losing the house than him. I couldnt stay in a relationship that was so transactional. He is who he is, and even if he did say he wouldnt take drugs anymore, people change after 24 years and I dont think you can expect them not to change their minds over that period of time.

Its certainly a shame he has lied to you, I guess he felt he couldnt tell you the truth. But all in all, not a great relationship, and if staying it in for the house is your main motivation maybe in the spirit of honestly you should tell him that. Then at least you would both have an honest relationship with each other from now on, if not a loving one.

Good point.

I have 30 plus years clean-time and I
would suggest that you get in touch with families anonymous or NA anon yyou can’t change the addict until they get to their own rock-bottom and have had enough l-lost everything -or sick and tired of being sick and tired if you want to be emotionally available you need to be very strong the untreated addict is very sick and can be selfish,dishonest and and resentful you can change your attitude and move to a place of neutrality around this ( stop trying to control something which you have little or no power over) you will find a group of people who understand where you are coming from and they have a primary purpose of enabling you to move to a place of neutrality around the behaviour of others you don’t need to be a rescuer it is counterproductive !

He's not answering addict FFS he takes it 3.or 4 times a year at parties! You're going on as if he's bankrupting them and she's keeping him afloat instead of letting him hit rock bottom. He sounds like a normal bloke who works and pays his bills and likes to party every now and then.

And lie to his wife for 24 yrs

This doesn't actually matter. Op set a very clear boundary and he (for whatever reason) has decided this is more important to him than respecting his family. Whether or not you think it's no big deal that he likes to party now and then is irrelevant if its at the expense of his marriage. To me, if you're choosing that to the point where in the past he's had mental health breakdowns etc that op has had to nurse him through, plus all the lies that went with that - you're not just using recreationally and harmlessly. There's a wider pattern of behaviour that fits with a functioning addiction.

Plus. 3/4 times a year is what op is aware of. There's every chance its more than that given that he's a pattern for lying to her. Of course he'll be minimising.

This is very true, he had problems with drinking, he binges until black out at times and can become very lairy and inappropriate

Had problems with drinking? Or has?
How regularly?

its a improved in the last year but I’d say 3 times a months on average he’d drink at home to blackout. He’d go out with his work colleagues and get smashed and throw up.

I wish that was the case, he’s on a lot of anxiety meds and has had months at a time off work due to his mental health, not helped by taking drugs that prevent his meds from working and have probably contributed to his illness.

OK so it's a lot more than just the drug use then.. I used to take pregablin for a neurological problem and I absolutely could not drink on them. I did once or twice (like a beer at a time) and I went absolutely loopy and was so drunk and sick.

He clearly prioritise benders (of whatever substance) over his health. Personally I couldn't liev with someone like that... no matter how much I likes my house.

I know people like that too but the rest of us think they're pathetic. When you've got kids you need to knock that shit in the head.

Blacking out from drinking? He sounds worse and worse. Hopefully you decide you're worth more.

Increase your life insurance policy on him. You will need the money.

This, and you're worried about what he takes at festivals?

Op when you say he comes home lairy and inappropriate do you feel safe around him? Is he in any way abusive?

OP can I ask why you would have to move out and not him. His circus his monkeys! Look after yourself, you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his mistakes. Look after yourself.

She couldn’t make him move out though could she? You can’t make someone move out of their own house.