AIBU to expect rent from my 20-year-old daughter living at home?

[changednameagain1234]

Morning all,

My dd20 lives at home.

She often stays over at boyfriend’s house. She could be there 3 days and nights, then home from a day then back again. She also could be home for 5 days and go there at the weekend. Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

She now has a job in same town as boyfriend, so it feels like home every other night (works part time, hours change weekly).

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she.

I do understand her 20 year old view on this, but at the end of the day she does no housework apart from will clean bathroom about once a week if lucky. Doesn’t help with cooking or do her own laundry, put her dishes in dishwasher, you get the picture.

She does however take 1 hour showers or run a huge deep bath.

What is fair here? What would you do?

Thanks

Why isn’t she working full time? I think I would charge her rent as she is an adult and doesn’t seem to be in education.

Maybe paying rent will encourage her to get a full time job?

If her presence is causing financial hardship then yes, she should pay her way.

Who does her laundry? And why?

No no. You tell
her it’s a flat out yes.
repeat everything u have said here. Tell her how much u want and then let her decide to pack or stay. That’s the options. Entitled madam.

Are you doing her laundry?! Why?

I think she sounds a bit spoiled having her laundry done, swanning in and out, refusing to pay any keep and only working part time. Unless she’s in education as well in which case working part time and not paying keep makes more sense. I still wouldn’t do her laundry though.

Yes she should pay something. You need to be hi est with her about finances. You can’t afford the long showers and baths, she needs to understand and pay her way.

inwould start by pointing out rental costs of rooms locally, plus food etc. then explain you simply can’t afford to continue to subsidise her. Work out what you think is reasonable on the average number of stays per month. I would also tell her when she is there she is responsible for her own laundry and perhaps other small jobs you may ask her to do. Explain it’s all part of growing up

if she doesn’t like it you may find her staying at her boyfriends more. So be it

She's taking the piss and you're letting her, I take it you do her washing?
My DS is a student and works part time and he gives me £200 a month. He would be horrified not to as I'm not well off.

She doesn't get to decide if she pays rent or not! She is working she pays her bills, end of discussion.
Make a reasonable suggestion to her for an amount and take it from there.

I feel like you cannot possibly have had a thorough conversation about this. She needs to understand why rent must be paid. It's a little bit late to start teaching her that everything in life costs money but she must be made to understand it now if she genuinely doesn't. This is as important for her future as it is for your finances.

I'd tell her to ship out permanently. Her attitude is very bad.

In that case tell her you’re going to need to rent her room out to cover the mortgage as you’re struggling financially. I’m sure she’ll find some cash to cover her bills.
why on earth are you doing her laundry? She’s an adult ffs

No to all of it, you’re not her maid she’s an adult she needs to behave like one and do her own laundry and cleaning and cook for herself or take turns to cook a family meal.
I understand it can be hard for young people to find work but is she trying to find full time work?
I think you’re completely fair charging her a small rent to cover bills, don’t take no for an answer.

Come on! What are you bringing up? Someone who swans in and out, doesn’t pay their way and flatly tells you she’s not paying…!! You need to tell her she’s not a child and has to live like an adult now. She might flounce initially, but will soon realise a cheap rent with you is still a good deal compared to what she’ll have to pay elsewhere.

Of course she should be paying! An adult who is working needs to understand that a roof over your head, heating and hot water, do not come for free!

She absolutely needs to contributing. When I lived full time with my parents before I got married I paid rent and did all my own washing (and theirs if I needed to make up a load). Generally mum would cook and dad and I would set the table and clear up afterwards as I didn’t finish work till 6 so everyone would late having tea if I cooked!
I’m still there 3 nights term time for work and don’t pay rent however I’ve just spent £1000 on a 50th wedding anniversary party for them, often pay for meals out for us and if mum asks me to get any shopping I don’t ask for the money back.

I wouldn't expect "rent" so much as a contribution to the family running costs.

We go for 25% of income as a rule of thumb.

What would I do? Id tell her it was pay rent or move out next week. And if she was part of the household she'd be expected to contribute to the housework.

Does not sound like you have the strength to make her pay. She may give you a pretty guilty trip. I take it you are single mother?

Start charging “storage” rather than rent

Who the hell does she think she's talking to and why are you allowing it. Why are you mentioning it to her, tell her. You need to pay rent and it's X amount. If she doesn't like it she can move out. You're the parent.

I see I am being quite a doormat!

I think I haven’t pushed it so far because she says she is only 20, plenty of 20 year olds are finding their feet in life etc.

She is learning to drive and has her own car (bought by grandparents). She says she will get a full time job when she passes her test.

If she refuses to pay anything towards her keep, she needs to live with her boyfriend full time. She can't just say 'no' when you ask her to contribute as she is actually costing you money with her deep baths and hour long showers. She sounds very selfish. Stop doing her washing for a start and don't cook for her if she is home.

I found it helpful to tell my dc once over 18 that we were moving to a house share basis.

so we might live together but people who live in the same house as them wouldn’t do their laundry etc.

so we all did our own laundry, just like in a house share. We mostly cooked for ourselves, but sometimes agreed to cook together. I cleared a cupboard in the kitchen for their food, and I didn’t eat their food and they didn’t eat mine.

you may not be able to get rent (is she working or studying?) but she can act like and adult and do can you

Yanbu. I'd tell her if she wants the room kept for her and to otherwise use the facilities of your house that she will pay something towards bills otherwise she needs to find her own place and pay her own rent and bills.

Well how much income doea she have left if she us paying for driving lessons, insurance etc

Not single parent no.

I suppose I do her washing because I am always putting a load in, so just do hers at the same time.

What is a reasonable amount? 25% like pp suggested?

Her boyfriend doesn’t pay rent, I personally think that is why she is so opposed to it. She thinks we are being unreasonable and greedy I think