When to stop paying parents for childcare.

[DearLemonMaker]

My mum has looked after my kids since covid. When it hit she decided to close her business. I would pay her 400/500 for her to have my youngest in the day and pick other one up from school. Even when I started putting the youngest in nursery I still paid her.

6 years later and we are still paying, but now my husband is questioning more and more. Like many families costs are going up, kids are now all at an age where they have more clubs (11,6) etc and he thinks we should stop paying.

Now she still picks up the youngest from school and has them for an hour. My husband and I are both home working now so could pick them up and they would be fine chilling for an hour but she says it gives her something to do. She also does come round in the day and help with cleaning...but again this annoys my husband when he working at home and she is cleaning.

My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension just state. They gifted money for a deposit and when I was younger treat me all the time. My husband says that's what parents do and the house money was a gift (sister got a wedding)

Im really tied. My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job....but on the other hand my parents go out drinking 5 nights a week and go abroad multiple times a year so my husband says they are not skint but I know most goes on credit cards.

My husband is finding it frusting when i say 'we cant afford to do that' and says i need to have a conversation. He says he is happy to pick up cleaning if she doesn't do it or grab kids from school.

I really don't know what to do....

And do you think the OP and her DH were exploiting her mum when they were paying her £400 a month for full-time childcare of a baby and then toddler plus doing afternoon school run? Would you work a full day for £18? I bet no poster slagging off the grandmother on here would. Even for the pick up, one hour childcare and cleaning then £18 per day is not extortionate.

If the OP and her DH would rather save the money by doing the afternoon school run themselves and are sure that, plus having a 6 year old who needs supervision at home while working, would be fine with their employers, then they just need to tell her mum they will be stopping the arrangement.

YABU to start a thread to get people outraged and not come back to it.

And did your parents ever do full-time childcare for your baby? Or is this just hypothetical...

If the arrangements have changed due to kids getting older and you both working g childcare between you .. just give her notice she must know its coming to an end now .
You need to think of your own futures not your parents.

Not necessarily. After school club for my DC is £100 a week each. It’s a set amount each afternoon, so it’s the same whether they stay for one hour or two.

Though I agree it’s ridiculous that OP is expected to go without while she is subsidising multiple holidays for her DM

Tell her you don’t need the help anymore so won’t be needing the childcare. Give her a couple of months notice and then stop paying.
Tell her that if in the meantime she finds a job in this period that’s no problem.

She’s right, she does need a job.

OP , I was in your position and it was a very difficult situation so you have all my sympathy and this is how I ended up dealing with our situation.

Prior to Covid my DM looked after my DC, who were 11 and 9 then, 3 days a week. We paid her £600 per month for the 3 days a week and it was the same whether they were in term or not.

By the time covid was over we were only back to the office a couple of days a week and my youngest DC was 11 so no need for after school care.

Ending the arrangement should have been straightforward, kids are older so childcare is no longer necessary….

However, like you, I felt so much guilt as my DM made it clear that she needed the money and that she sort of expected us to fund her. We have decent jobs but not the kind of salaries that allow us to throw away that kind of money every month. My Dh ended up losing his job and having to take a pay cut but this didn’t change my DMs thinking.

I ended up having to just steel myself, tell DM the arrangement was coming to an end and deal with the guilt. To be honest our relationship has never truly recovered. I take DM on holidays every year, treat her to meals etc, but it’s never enough and I’ve grown to resent that.

With regards to your parents treating you, well why wouldn’t they? I am of the opinion that we ‘owe’ our parents our kindness and love but we don’t owe them financially for raising us. One it’s a debt that can never be paid and two, it’s a really weird dynamic.

Read your OP back to yourself. You’re basically subsidising your parents to go on holiday. Somewhat mad.

That's a great deal of money and a very difficult situation. She's no longer doing the work that she was and I see where your DH is coming from. It's a little strange to pay her at this point. I think it would be understandable to gently challenge the idea that she couldn't afford to live without this money in light of the holidays. Getting a job might be a new interest for her.

I agree. That's really cheap childcare. I don't see anything wrong in paying grandparents. There's a lot of entitled cheapskates on this thread.

I think £400 is an absolute bargain!

Having their gran dedicate this time to them whilst you are working is a real benefit to them as is her cleaning your house! That alone would cost £200 a month if u hired someone

Your kids are likely to be left to their own devices whilst u both work so I’d see this as an investment in them

I think this is more complicated than it looks at first glance. It would seem that when your mother gave up work at the time of COVID it worked well for you both. If the business wasn't doing well, she needed money and you needed full time childcare it would seem at that time to have suited you all. Certainly £400/£500 a month for full time childcare care is very cheap. True grandparents who can afford it of course do this all the time for nothing but if, without this contribution she would have needed to find a job, clearly paying this amount was very advantageous to you.
But what of now? The childcare is needed much less, but she comes around and cleans for you as well. What are cleaner costs in your area ..at least £15 an hour here. If she cleans a few hours a week, maybe one hour a day, plus pickups etc you are still getting an ok deal albeit one grandparents who can afford it do for nothing.
You say you accepted an amount gifted towards a deposit on your house when your parents where working and could afford it. But they only have state pension now. Maybe if they had that money now they wouldn't be feeling the pinch quite so much and wouldn't need what you pay for childcare and of course you have had the advantage of that deposit money. If she gave up work/looking for work at a time you really needed her, 6 years on it might be difficult for her to find work.
But the fact remains, you no longer need that level of childcare/house cleaning etc and the cost of living is rising making it difficult for you.
If you could afford it you could keep the cleaning and pick ups and half the amount you pay her on condition that she is still available for emergency childcare if needed when the children are too ill for school. That would ease the going down in income for her and you would still be getting some help. You could put a time limit on it. We could do this for the next six months.
I would have the conversation now saying you are going to stop the current arrangement cat half term/when the schools break up for summer. That would still leave you with some help over the long summer break ...but in a cheaper way for you.
Gently tell her that if she needs a part time job she needs to start looking now but if she can take half you can go on for a while.Take her some flowers. Thank her for all she's done and tell her that of course you realize that if the part time job comes up at any time you can stop the part payment arrangement and you understand that all her childcare/ cleaning/pickups will need to stop at that time. I hope the change goes well for you and her op 💐

I don’t see anything wrong with paying grandparents - I did. But I would urge anyone getting into this arrangement to think of the off ramp.
How do you stop paying a grandparent who is short of cash. It puts you in an awful situation and it’s not the same as a job being finished.
You are still family after all.

I’d end the arrangement. Sorry we can’t afford it and makes more sense for us to collect, DC want to do clubs

Yep, I agree with this, giving them until the next school year gives them tons of time and should alleviate your guilt.

So roughly 22 hours a month for £500?

So over £22 an hour? And she is taking this to look after her grandchild?

They are drinking every night? I hope she doesnt drive with your child in her car.

Skint people do not go out drinking every night with multiple holidays

So you have given your mum £36,000 to look after her own grandchildren?
I presume cash in hand? Could get complicated

You are not responsible for their financial irresponsibility. Why didn't they pay into private pensions? Why are they using credit cards? How were they able to afford giving you money towards a deposit? Skint means very different things to different people.

Pay her a market wage per hour of you must, not a random amount. For real work, not for hanging out with the 16 year old. Does your husband feel she does valid work - does he feel that childcare and cleaning should be paid?

DH is right.

This!! With bells on!!

Your parents raised you so you could raise your children.

You are now paying out both ends.

You need to stop. I think it’s irrelevant what she spends her money on, but she can earn morn an hour and be better off working full time rather than an hour a day - no doubt not declared

Giving money for weddings/houses is not just what parents do. A lot don't, or can't.
That doesn't mean they should expect you to pay them forever though. If you asked them to give up their job, that's a different story, but if your mum suggested it, then surely she knew what the situation was going to be-I would guess you discussed it?

I think you pay according to the going rates if you hired out.

OP is it still 400/500 a month? Because i get that when shes got a toddler all day who needs lunch and tea and nappies etc etc but for an hour after school if its still 400/500 thats excessive. And id be team DH.

I might give her something still especially if shes feeding them their tea, but i think it should reflect the current costs and time shes covering

As others have said tell her at the end of the school year you'll need to end the arrangement, that gives 3 months notice.