When to stop paying parents for childcare.

[DearLemonMaker]

My mum has looked after my kids since covid. When it hit she decided to close her business. I would pay her 400/500 for her to have my youngest in the day and pick other one up from school. Even when I started putting the youngest in nursery I still paid her.

6 years later and we are still paying, but now my husband is questioning more and more. Like many families costs are going up, kids are now all at an age where they have more clubs (11,6) etc and he thinks we should stop paying.

Now she still picks up the youngest from school and has them for an hour. My husband and I are both home working now so could pick them up and they would be fine chilling for an hour but she says it gives her something to do. She also does come round in the day and help with cleaning...but again this annoys my husband when he working at home and she is cleaning.

My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension just state. They gifted money for a deposit and when I was younger treat me all the time. My husband says that's what parents do and the house money was a gift (sister got a wedding)

Im really tied. My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job....but on the other hand my parents go out drinking 5 nights a week and go abroad multiple times a year so my husband says they are not skint but I know most goes on credit cards.

My husband is finding it frusting when i say 'we cant afford to do that' and says i need to have a conversation. He says he is happy to pick up cleaning if she doesn't do it or grab kids from school.

I really don't know what to do....

I’m totally with your husband, you’re being ridiculous to carry on paying her.

“My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension” - that is totally on them and their own foolishness and poor planning not to make sure they were paying into pensions.

Your eldest will be starting secondary school in September so use that milestone for a complete reset. You don't need to feel guilty - the reality is that your younger child can go to after school clubs, swimming, cubs/brownies etc instead and/or you picking them up. Your needs have changed as your children have grown up. It is natural. If you mum still wants to earn some money and you can afford it then you could still offer the cleaning but you would need to be clear it's not at the same rate. Definitely with your DH on this one. It needs addressing and the more notice you can give the better. I guess the only issue to consider is holiday care - e.g. how will you manage the school holidays.

Hmm regardless, I love spoiling my parents

When you say it’s 400/500 (I’m assuming per month) - why does it fluctuate? Is it because it’s dependent on how many times she does it? Do you pay her more for holidays, or do you not need her then? If you need her for holidays, I’d work out how much childcare would be over school holidays and see if it’s worth cancelling her. If not, does the price change because you’re working out how often she does it, and therefore are you paying a daily/hourly rate?

I wasn’t sure which way the voting meant, I said you’re not being unreasonable but I meant not unreasonable to end the arrangement.
It’s a totally different ball game - caring for a baby/toddler all day followed by school pick up would’ve cost you a lot more than £500 a month, but she’s not doing that any more. You need to let her know that whilst you’re grateful for her doing it when needed (it suited you both) you can’t afford to carry on.

I am sure you don't believe that women's work should be free!

Clearly lots of posters on here do believe that.

Ah OP, I can see how this feel so awkward but you are paying so much for an hour of childcare a day that you don't even need...would you even be paying this much if you used an actual childminder?

It is difficult as your mum as expressed they would struggle without your money, and knowing they only have state pensions, but equally it doesn't sound like you're hugely flush yourself either if you are having to go without things/not do things due to this money.

I would absolutely feel awkward as well and I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I do believe your husband isn't wrong in what he feels and tbh I am surprised your mum and dad have continued taking so much money from you once the amount of childcare they are actually doing has reduced so dramatically.

I guess the only caveat would be - how much are they doing in the school holidays? As if they are covering the majority of that for both of your children it may be worth continuing as holidays clubs etc can be very expensive too, especially for 2.

Op time to be the adult here you sit her down explain to her the living costs are also effecting you and as from x month you can no longer pay her and she is not expected to do any pick ups or cleaning and your sorry you can’t keep helping out financially. Op expect her to be upset and angry she gave you 6 years of her time. Your dh best stick to that offer of cleaning and school runs because I can’t see your mum ever doing it again.

I think you do know what to do, or you wouldn't be here. It's time to bring it to an end. That money would be much better used as an investment to benefit you because the current arrangement is no longer balanced enough that everyone is benefiting equally.

After school care and a cleaner would probably be cheaper than what you’re paying your mum by the sounds of it!

Totally agree with your husband- it’s totally mad you are still paying them. Their financial position is down to them and not your responsibility.

Tell her you are skint and stop paying her, if she wants to help I’m sure she can for free. I would also stop the cleaning it’s making your DH uncomfortable so it should be stopped, let him pick it up if he wants too, he sounds like a patient guy.

@DearLemonMaker Did you figure out how to handle the situation and cut the payments off?