When to stop paying parents for childcare.

[DearLemonMaker]

My mum has looked after my kids since covid. When it hit she decided to close her business. I would pay her 400/500 for her to have my youngest in the day and pick other one up from school. Even when I started putting the youngest in nursery I still paid her.

6 years later and we are still paying, but now my husband is questioning more and more. Like many families costs are going up, kids are now all at an age where they have more clubs (11,6) etc and he thinks we should stop paying.

Now she still picks up the youngest from school and has them for an hour. My husband and I are both home working now so could pick them up and they would be fine chilling for an hour but she says it gives her something to do. She also does come round in the day and help with cleaning...but again this annoys my husband when he working at home and she is cleaning.

My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension just state. They gifted money for a deposit and when I was younger treat me all the time. My husband says that's what parents do and the house money was a gift (sister got a wedding)

Im really tied. My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job....but on the other hand my parents go out drinking 5 nights a week and go abroad multiple times a year so my husband says they are not skint but I know most goes on credit cards.

My husband is finding it frusting when i say 'we cant afford to do that' and says i need to have a conversation. He says he is happy to pick up cleaning if she doesn't do it or grab kids from school.

I really don't know what to do....

That's really bad if her to take money for looking after her grandkids, when she otherwise has nothing to do. It's not your job to subsidies her lifestyle.
It's pretty disgusting.

It's nearly 6k a year! To do an after school pick up you don't need. I'm not surprised your DH is pissed.

Is there something missing here like she covers all the school holidays and any sick days too?

If not you need to sit your mum down and tell her you've kept up the arrangement far longer than you intended. You don't need it and want the money for other things. (Like college funds for your kids, it will be on you faster than you think!)

Will you need her/use her services over the school holidays?

Saying that children are old enough to not need the paid care anymore is fair.

I know childminders (a couple) who started off caring for grandchildren and when this came to an end, set up professionally. Would this be an option for your mum now that your kids no longer need childcare?

This- totally agree most gp l know wouldn't dream of taking money for looking after their gc, tell your DM that you can't afford it anymore, she will have to budget, they should have made provisions for their retirement, it's not your problem. I am team DH.

Just to say as well, the day when the childcare bills stop (in our case when youngest was 10 in Y5) is a fucking happy day. Suddenly one of the most essential bills stops and money is freed up for other things. In your case this happy financial milestone event is being ruined by guilt, which is just not fair.

Omg you pay her £400/500 to pick up one child after school for an hour?

Your mums exploiting you OP.

Never in a million years would I take that amount of money from my children!

Yeah this is crazy, you’re basically subsidising your mum and she’s massively taking advantage of you!

Your parents are taking the piss. Particularly as they go out drinking 5 nights a week and have multiple holidays. This should have stopped way before now. No wonder your DH is annoyed.

This
A very good friend of mine paid her mum to look after her son when she was working because her mum gave up her job to do so. Her mum wasn't in a position not to be earning.
It seems that 100 pw is very cheap childcare irrespective of whether children are at school / nursery.
OP, I appreciate that this is a very tricky situation but it seems that your parents don't have alot of spare cash.
You seem resentful of them going on holiday which is unfair.
Whatever you decide to do, be prepared for a fall out of some kind.
If you and your husband don't address it, there will be increasing resentment which never ends well.

OP, the answer to your original question is NOW.

You are paying your mum an insane amount of money to do something that you no longer need her to do. It's your DH's money too and if he is not happy, it needs to stop. Your DM is being somewhat manipulative. She and your DF need to either manage their money better or get jobs.

My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job

I mean... yeah, like everyone else has to. What's so bad about that? It's fine. Her plan for this phase of life can't have been for you to pay their way surely.

Team DH here.

You've got the worst of all worlds - guild about the arrangement because it's a family member, but none of the benefits of a professional set up where you can just give notice and start to enjoy the reprieve from ££ childcare costs when they get old enough to manage more independently!

It really isn't on that your mum sees this as a bit of a hobby job, the "work" has dwindled to a token pickup, and your DH has put up with being unhappy with this so long.

Put it this way, OP - most of the thread, including me, think your DH needs a solid thank you for being so patient. it's time to put his (very reasonable) views first now, you've put your desire to not rock the boat with your mum off for long enough.

You need to rip the plaster off eventually.

My parents have done all childcare for our 3 children and my sister's 2 for the past 6 years (they've another year to go before the youngest starts nursery), they also do school runs in the evening (they just drop ours back home as we wfh). We just cover their petrol (as dors my sister), we don't pay them, they also don't have private pensions. I think it's mad to be paying your mum this amount of money when both children are at school and you can just collect them yourself, it's a considerable amount of money, you've basically repaid part of your house deposit. I'm not surprised your husband is pissed off with this arrangement, I'd be wanting to change it too.

Also wanted to pick up on that bit.. "My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job"....

This is hilarious.

That's what everyone else has to do.

Why would your mum say that - is it meant as a joke?

Of course she needs to go out to work to pay for her lifestyle.. just like you and most of the rest of us do.

I'm sure we'd all like a few hundred quid for picking up 1 child and doing an hour of optional childcare a day.. and not have to work.. but i can't imagine letting my daughter and her partner work full-time so I can have that! It's mental!

I’m surprised she’s continuing to take it OP.

like others have said you need to end it socially as you no longer need it!

could you give her the heads up about term time but perhaps see whether you may need her to help over the holidays 1 day per week (only if you do though).

if she says she needs something to do then she’s still welcome to pop round for a cuppa or you can help her find a job or volunteer role.

I do understand how hard this may be but I couldn’t take money from my kids when they don’t need me.

I am shocked at how much you are paying her.

She isn't skint if she's going to the pub and on holiday, if you can't afford it you can't afford it. She can do something else with her time. Your husband is being very patient.

£100 a week ? That was even a lot when she had to do a lot of childcare . I was a childminder and naturally expected that my wages went down when child reached preschool age . I could either have accepted that or look for a more FT position. Same for your mother . It would be nice to offer maybe £20 if she does housework. Awkward conversation all round though . Maybe get DH to broach it with her .

Is that a week or month?

There is no way in hell my parents would have taken money from me if they looked after my children. Sorry but I’m Team DH. Shocking 😳

Your husband is not being unreasonable.
Give your mother notice and explain that thanks but you no longer need her help.
Drinking 5 days a week costs money.
They will have to cut their clothe, like most people.

Sickening?
Why's that then
Why wouldn't you help your parents if you could?

She's not helping them to get by and pay the bills. She's paying for them to go to the pub five nights a week. How do you turn that into a heartfelt guilt-trip?

I think you have been very very lucky to have paid less than £100p/w to have one to one care for your children!!!!! The years where she’s had the kids fewer hours has probably evened it out.

make a bit of a fuss (gift, thank you card, photo book?) with a big thank you but equally say now that the children are older you no longer need the support and after X date will end the arrangement. I think 8 weeks /2 months is a decent amount of notice