If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

Maybe have a look online at somw I fo on avoidant attachment in relationships, maybe dismissive avoidant. See if it makes any sense?

Maybe, but as a woman pushing 40, serious about kids I wouldn’t waste my time with someone in their 50s. I’d been dicked around by to many future fakers to risk another one.

You're really talking about outliers here.
Unless OP is about to reveal he's a famous and good-looking rich actor. 😁

Future faker is a term I've not heard before but glad I've heard it.

Yeah and there's always the element of why hasn't he done this already.

Yes, but there are women who would.

Because he's a man and he's got the time.

A family member met his partner when he was in his 50s. They are both very happy together.
It's never too late. I am sure older people fall in love. 50s isn't all that very old.

He's only got the time if he's an exceptional man.
Mr Average at his age does not.

There are very few women who'd want to start a family with a man of his age. unless he's exceptional.

And if he's exceptional, he can have adult females of all ages. This does not mean to say he can every woman - of course not! - but he has a broad choice of women from all ages to pick from.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I enjoy these threads but he's probably just a normal bloke who's happy enough by himself (and good on him if so) but the women in his life can't accept this is possible so he's just defending himself to placate them and get them off his back for a while.

@QuintadosMalvados ooh this is interesting

What is an exceptional man and what is an average man?

I'm not gonna go on date online or anything, but I think I might want to keep my eye out....

Nope nothing about him that makes him really picky. In one way he is not picky as he seems to meet tons of women he wants to date- where as for me I don’t meet people I fancy very often but when I do I commit.

He doesn’t change his job or style- really he is totally normal apart from this one thing.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I think this probably is a big distinction between those who can enter into relationships with people they don’t find special and those who can.

But that’s not right - we are not on his back. He doesn’t need to defend himself. If he was happy with things then we would be too. He wants to be in a relationship. He tells us often.

Yes I think this is true for him. When we discussed it in the past, when he was dating women who could have children I have at times suggested he just settle so that he can have the family he wants. ( there was definitely an element of me settling with the father of my kids) he says he just can’t.

Also not true that only exceptional men get to be with younger women. Someone in my circle has just left his wife of 20 odd years and their two teenage children to be with a woman in her twenties and he is the most un exceptional man ever - we are all completely staggered

I’ll be staggered if they’re together in two years time. Often these young women feel flattered to grab the attention of an older man, and feel validated and powerful when he leaves a wife and kids. Reality soon sets in.

I’m like your brother. I just can’t. I have friends who are with men they find “meh” and would have no time for in most circumstances but really wanted kids so just settled for somebody they thought would be a good dad.

A former colleague told me before marrying her then husband that she doesn’t particularly have strong feelings for him and does not get the same feeling as when other women talk excitedly about their weddings. She said her husband could “be any many on the planet really”.

She is happy to be a mother and to be A wife but I couldn’t do it. I ended up foregoing kids instead.

How involved with his neices and nephews has he been?

i don’t live close to him so not massively with mine - he’s a fun uncle to my kids as he always plays with them, spent hours teaching my son something last summer on a family holiday.

he lives closer to one of our other siblings and is definitely a hands on uncle. Baby sits. Did a school pick up once a week for years .

the voting on this is interesting- basically a close 50/50 split. I am surprised. I really thought a majority would agree with me .

It is an individual thing but at this stage I doubt your brother will have a family. Its possible he'll marry but I wouldn't bet on it. Man I know who are single or who have a series of short term relationships well into middle age never committing tend to stay that way with expectations getting ever more unrealistic.

I didn't vote

But much as I understand relationships have to develop and you have to be in that relationship to know how it's going to be

I think it's a hell of a risk to go for forever without being sure. I don't really understand what you're asking him to do. Just commit to one of these women,going oh I'm sure that'll be fine

If he's waiting till he feels like he's met the one I totally get it

Happiness and contentment, of course, comes in many different forms. It’s not solely available through marriage and children. If it’s marriage your brother wants then it’s not impossible - Cupid can strike at any age! But as others have said, he might find it hard after decades of what is essentially a single life, to sharing everything with another person. And it’s unlikely he’d find someone who was still young enough (and willing!) to bear children.

i hope your mum can find peace knowing her son can be happy in his current state.

Rich, very good-looking, charming, famous, high earner that sort of thing.

I’m quite interested in the seemingly large number of men in their late 50s/60s getting married for the first time. I suspect that love / partnership goals and logistics look different for that chapter of life. Maybe their mother has died and they need someone else to care for them. Or their social life has tamed and it’s lonely being indoors.

@Wish44that’s lovely that your brother has built nice relationships with his nieces and nephews. I am very close to one of my bachelor uncles - have always done fun day trips with him as do my siblings and cousins now as adults.