If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

No he's not.
He's giving mixed messages.

It’s only mixed messages if you are a fool. Couples don’t have a monopoly on spending time with each other, meeting families etc.

If somebody tells you who they are, and you choose not to believe them. That’s on you. If somebody clearly tells you it’s only casual, and you choose to stick around, that’s on you too.

"I occasionally meet them and he introduces them as a friend-"

Does this include the ones he's been with for two years? And they accept that?

He probably knows the reason isn't a real thing. Chandler had this in the early years of Friends. One of them was that his date had 'too big a head', but even he knew it was commitment phobia really.

Plenty of people claim Clooney is gay and he just eventually got a fake marriage.

Try
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem

Too old for kids, but seems he has a pattern. Also it’s his problem to sort not yours

He hasn't and, being a man, he hasn't missed the boat for children either, which could be one reason why he hasn't dealt with his issues. Women often get therapy for this kind of thing in their 30s because their timeline is different.

When it finally occurs to you that your business is going to shit and those secretaries may not want to work for you anymore.

It's shit for the women, but it doesn't sound like he can help the way he is. Sounds like it's partly subconscious.

His wife would only need to be 10 years younger as plenty of women are still fertile at 40-43.

I agree. I certainly wouldn't be with a guy who introduced me as a friend after say 3 months of dating.

But just because they are being foolish, does not mean to say he's notbeing a piece of shit. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Hmmm yes I do that also. For me the difference between being or not being together is whether you have a sexual relationship, and I don't sleep with these guys, so in my head it's kosher.

Later on it's turned out that some of the guys have thought we were platonically dating. However, I do certainly see many guys simultaneously, in my head they are just friends, nothing more. Some have admitted catching feelings.

I suppose that's my subsititute connection.

In fact, I do know someone that settled later in life!!!

He got to about 60 (in excellent health and shape) and then suddenly had his first child. It did get quite messy with the lady after that though they are together.

Thinking about this particular person:

• hypercritical of everyone and everything, high achiever, multipotentialite
• attracted to people who were a very bad match for him! He came from a very pretentious, prominent family, but was often attracted to women from a very different social background or foreign women. I think the highlight was him bringing a call girl to his brother's big birthday garden party - a real life Pretty Woman situation
• linked to that, he only settled down once both his parents had passed away - I do feel he was afraid of their judgement. His late mother was very judgemental, for example, criticising my accent (in my 4th language) in front of me while speaking about me as though I wasn't there
• very set in his ways and unwilling to accommodate
• surrounded by beautiful women, models, actresses - therefore the illusion of unlimited choice

Does your brother have any characteristics that make him uber picky? Maybe a difficult relationship with parents/ someone in his childhood? Or feels like he needs to achieve and/or impress? What does he do for a job?

Does he change other things in his life often, like houses, cars, jobs, style, appearance, hobbies...?

I've become quite invested now!

That’s interesting. I don’t think that comparing the search for a romantic partner to a job position works though. You can recruit somebody good enough because you don’t have to like them or have deep feelings for them.

Of course you don’t need to have deep feelings for somebody or even like them to enter into a long term relationship with them. But for those people who cannot fathom dating people they don’t like, it’s more challenging to settle in this manner.

It appears so - but as OP says he has always been honest with them. They choose to stick around foolishly.

He’s not being a piece of shit because of choices those women make. Him being honest and open is mutually exclusive with being a piece of shit.

He is honest and upfront. My friend is currently in a ten year relationship with a man who has been clear from even before they got together that he is never marrying and having children again. Despite this she won’t leave hoping he will change his mind. That does not make him being shit.

I can't say I'd it will happen for your brother but I know some people who met mid- late 50s, first relationship for a long time for him and they have been together over 15 years now and recently had a civil partnership

Yes it does.
You know why? Because regardless of how she feels and how foolish she is - and I think she is foolish BTW- the decent thing would be to end it with her so that she could meet someone new.

But I bet it's just too convenient for him to do so.

If I decide to leave a £50 note on the table of the pub when I go to the pub's loo, I am being an idiot, this does NOT negate the fact that if somebody nicks it they're a piece of shit.

@Wish44My uncle got married at 62 after a lifetime of relationships some short lived others a year or two. He was the very cool uncle and we all have loads of stories about the fun he brought. It did really settle him down and his wife is lovely, 20 years on obviously not so cool and a few health scares seems very happy.
i know my grandparents despaired of him and would have loved to have seen him settled, but better late than never.

One of my brothers is very set in his ways - undiagnosed ND (we think aspergers) - he was single all his life (not even a girlfriend on the scene) but to our amazement and happiness he fell in love and married at the age of 52 - they've just celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary and by all accounts are happy. He's still a bit of an arse as he can get easily stressed but has definitely softened around the edges. Miracles do happen :)

He might have.
Depends on him, really, if he's successful, rich etc he could get a woman 20 years younger to have children with.
Which begs the question, why hasn't he already if he's so keen on having a family? Surely time's running out.

If he's Mr Average, no chance.
Or perhaps he's one of these idiots who think men automatically age like fine wine without putting in any effort whatsoever.

Im being too hard on him, perhaps.
Maybe he just doesn't want a relationship and kids full stop and just saying any old shit about the one to get the women in his life off his back cause they can relate to it.

"if he's successful, rich etc he could get a woman 20 years younger to have children with."

As I mentioned, he only needs a woman 10 years younger as many women in the 40-43 age group are still fertile.

I cant deny that at all but as a group they're not going to be as fertile as the 30-33 year old age group.

Sorry I don't wish to give offence by this.
It's just true that's all.

Didn’t Hugh Grant have his first child and get married in his 50s? I think George Clooney did the same thing. It’s very plausible. Will most likely be with someone younger I’d imagine if at all.

Is he dating at the moment?

I would like to date an independent man

He sounds like one of my friends who married at fiftyish

He said he wanted to have a family, married a younger woman and then said she didn't want to have children

So blame it on her

Basically, he can't admit that he doesn't want a family and I don't understand why

They're not very happy or at least that's what he says

I think she married him for the money and she's quite happy she dumped her job as soon as they got together.

maybe he will settle down maybe he won't, if he doesn't want to have children, he probably feels he's got all the time in the world.

i've hit the point where I would like to be in bed by 9:30 as well so maybe we should meet!! Lol!!

Yes, of course, not AS fertile, but still can be.