If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

Some do (both people I know, and those I have heard about). It used to be more common for men, as they often didn't bother about starting a family as early etc.

So only superficial things make a man “exceptional” to you.

They are exceptional in the sense that the vast majority of men do not possess these qualities and most women of all ages are attracted to these qualities.

I'm not going to argue about it: it is what it is.
There's no point you being all moral police to me about it. It's not a gotcha moment.

If a rich, successful, handsome, charismatic good-looking man walks into a room most women (myself included) will be looking at him not average height Dave from accounts.

Moral integrity, trustworthiness and decency are of course desirable but unless a man is attractive enough to get a woman to the point where she wants to get to know him deeper they're useless in the relationship game.

I’d say moral integrity, trustworthiness and decency are actually the least that most women want to accept. If when asked what the man brings to the table, they answer that they’re trustworthy- I would have said that should be a given and is a pretty low bar

This is just not true. Haven't you met any older fathers? They're quite normal. They're not all Hugh Grant.

Agree. I’ve met loads of older dads with younger wives and none of them are remotely exceptional. They really are just run of the mill guys. Maybe the pp moves in circles where women have really high standards or something.

Or where there aren't many older fathers. Go to any area with older fathers and you'll see them. They do tend to be educated and somewhat middle class, but nothing more than that.

I do know someone like this. He did finally meet the "one" and got married in his very late 50s.

He's now retired with a 1 year old. I hope he's happy but looking at him, I really don't think he is.

Well after a certain age, there really is more to it than not meeting the right person. Most older long-term singles do have some issues to work through. I know this will annoy some people, but it's true in my experience.

What is your source for the fact that most women are attracted to these qualities? And why does simply being in a minority make a man exceptional? A minority of men are below 5ft and a minority have been to jail, does that mean men who posses these are exceptional?

I am sure these make a man exceptional to you but it’s still incredibly superficial. I would never view as “exceptional” a rich arsehole.

Anyway I was not being the moral police. I was simply saying that all your criteria for what makes a man exceptional are superficial.

And that’s factually accurate.

Agree to disagree.

I think luck plays a huge part in not finding the right person and some people are simply unlucky in that respect.

I can say for me 100% it’s simply not meeting the right person. No issues to work through, no attachment issues just not ever meeting a compatible person with a mutual desire to be with each other long term.

(To be clear I am talking about the right person. Obviously if you are happy to be with anybody it’s easier.)

But as I said if you meet compatible people easily it’s hard to understand those who do not.

True. My friend was 40 when she had her baby. In her NCT class in London, there were mostly older parents and they were all middle class and wealthy.

Yes, but for others, they may meet fewer people in their lives and still the right person will appear to them because their patterns from childhood lead them to match more easily. Some people have more than one 'the one' whereas others cannot commit to anyone. It's not just luck. At 30, it might be, but not at 50.

Some of the people with the biggest issues that I know are in relationships (whether one long term one or a succession of shorter ones). Being single doesn’t mean you have issues at all.

Of course, some people in relationships have issues. I never said the opposite.

You’re wrong.

Or rather you can speak for yourself but you really cannot speak on behalf of all humanity.

I saw somebody explain it as finding the right person entails finding somebody:

1. You fancy
2. Has qualities you admire
3. Has flaws you can overlook in the long term
4. Is available
5. Has reciprocal feelings towards you.

Having all those line up takes a lot of luck and it’s weird you cannot even imagine that. For me all the above would make the “right” person (or persons) but that never happened.

(Of course if somebody aggressively dates to try and find all the above that will help their luck but if you loathe active dating then you are out of luck.)

Also why would it be more likely at 30 than 50. At 50 you meet far fewer available people.

Yes, but can't you understand that some people will more easily find those qualities in others due to how their love patterns work, how easily they are attracted to someone, can form relationships, etc. You could call that luck of course in that we all have different personalities, but I don't think it's luck in the sense of just not happening to meet the right person, unless you're comparing one person who travels the word with another who is stuck in a convent.

Like you, I don't find many men attractive and you could call me 'fussy', but that's a feature of my personality (either innate or more likely from childhood) and it's not down to pure luck.

But by the age of 50 you have had many opportunities to meet people.

perhaps a more accurate description is that many people have issues they need to work through, whether or not they are long term single. My dad is a narcissist and abusive and has never been single in his life. The best thing he could do would be to be single but abusive people never are. Whereas my late grandmother was a single parent, never married and was the most level headed and lovely woman you could meet. Her main issue was that she wouldn’t put up with bullshit which ruled out most men she met.

"perhaps a more accurate description is that many people have issues they need to work through, whether or not they are long term single."

of course many people have issues, but that has nothing to do with the thread, which is about single people.

We’re talking about single people though. I can honestly say I met far more single men in my 20s that my 30s and 40s combined.

But you are assuming that anybody single past a certain age must have an issue they are not confronting which is silly.

For starters a number of single people simply don’t actively date which is not an “issue” as you would label it.

Yes and you decided to generalise and said that people who are long term single have “issues” which I disagree with.

Yes so as I said “luck”. If person A simply finds more people attractive than person B, that does not mean person B has an issue.

If person A meets more available people than person B that does not mean person B has an issue.

They simply have never met the right person for them. I genuinely don’t see why you find that hard to imagine.

Not everything needs to be pathologised.