If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

Agree. And he is the one who pigeon holes every single date - searching for a random perceived flaw one every woman he knows so he can early doors slam them in the pigeon hole “unsuitable”.

I think chronic issues with intimate relationships come from the entrenchment of childhood experiences and family environment rather than a trauma experience in adulthood. The OP said their DF ‘wasn’t great’ - that might be worth exploring from her DBs perspective. But I also agree that the angsty, Pearl clutching intensity from the sister and the mum is feeding the system and his victimhood. I agree switch up the dynamic and see what happens.

Perhaps if he says he wants a relationship but then self sabotages, he needs to have therapy. I’m mid 40s single and no kids. I’d love to meet someone but I have been single for a while and I don’t really want to settle just for the sake of it. I’m sure my family think ‘something is wrong with me’, but never mind 🤣

How bizarre, I could have sworn I read all OP's posts and she mentioned it. I just went back and re-read them and can see no trace of this! Ignore me, I've clearly lost the plot 🫣😬😁

I think he has pretty much accepted that he won’t have children the traditional way- though I had a baby at 45 ! I only mentioned him wanting a family because posters were suggesting that he was happy with his long term singleness.

however he has said he would consider step children, adopting ( he even thought of adopting on his own) . He dates women who have children and he is always hopeful at the beginning it will be serious ( or so he says)

but how he has children is kind of immaterial- as he just can’t /wont commit

Errrrre- there is no angsty pearl clutching- it’s just an interesting debate that we have as a a family and I was bored this morning so put it on mumsnet-

I am not sure that I believe that he thinks there's a one for him.
I'm not sure I know of any men beyond the age of 30 who believes this.
The One is not really a male thing.

This is why inter - female jealousy is silly. The truth is men are just more pragmatic and if she's amenable and loving enough and there it's enough.

Maybe he's saying this to placate you because he knows that us women tend to believe it.

The one will probably come along when he tires of playing the field/ worrying about ageing/can't attract the women he wants anymore.

Then you'll all say he's found the one at last and he won't correct you because it saves him from scrutiny.

“Long standing debate”
”Mum spends her life hoping”

Sounds a bit intense and preoccupied to me.

Well I didn’t say we debate it and nothing else. We debate tons of stuff and I didn’t say she spends her life hoping and doing nothing else. I have hoped to win the lottery for a long time but it hardly consumes me -

so removing personal comments that derail any debate I think you raise a valid point that it is childhood rather than trauma that effects commitment styles. However one of his traumas did involve the death of his partner so I think it is a possible factor..

Wasn’t Kamala Harris 49 when she married her husband? My mom’s childhood friend was almost 50 when she finally met “her one”.

Some people simply don’t meet their person / don’t meet them until later in life. Not because of commitment issues just simply the luck of the draw in not meeting the right person and not wishing to settle for just anyone. I am not far off 50. No commitment issues with me but simply never met my person.

Well, maybe if she had married at 28 she would have won the election and the world wouldn't be in such a mess!

Well - yep- this is exactly my brother and my mums take on it! And it certainly seems that there are a few stories on this thread that back it up.

maybe I will update the thread every 10 years or so to see if he ever does commit 😁

He would know better than you if it’s trauma or simply the case of just not meeting the right person.

I think people who find it easy to meet compatible partners struggle to understand that there are those who don’t have the same luck.

Best Segue on a thread ever!

But if they are not the right person for him why would he commit?

True -

he says my bar is way to low and to be fair both my long term partners have turned out to be awful

Absolutely. I am in my early 50s and wouldn’t be open to meeting someone who had never been married, or at least been in a long-term relationship.
A man like that would find compromise very difficult and must be stuck in his ways.

I think you could be over thinking this and sometimes it's simple as needing to meet the right person.

I know someone who had never had a long term relationship or lived with anyone until, in his late 50s, he fell in love with a woman he met online who lived on another continent. They had a long distance relationship, got married and she and her teenage son moved to the UK. After having been single for decades he became a husband and step dad as he hit his 60s.

Is he the sort of guy who doesn't like labels on relationships?
Yet he'll do all sorts of couplely things with these women?
Can't stand these types. You don't want a relationship, don't do couplely things!!

Thats the decent thing to do.

As for avoidant attachment types, not sure I buy that. They commit soon enough when their back's against the wall.

Aging, homelessness, poverty, too old to get anybody else, nurse with a purse and so on.
Though they're physically present in the relationship but not really in it, to be fair.

He's really taking you for a ride with this the one nonsense because he knows us females buy into it (though I and many other women don't we are more likely to believe it than men. I think that this is a fair comment.) and it gets him sympathy.

Oh poor soul he's not met the one.

Yeah right. What was it Julie Burchill said about turning up naked and bringing beer...

😄

I have a long term friend, former colleague of mine who cannot accept I am single through “not meeting the right person”. He just cannot fathom, cannot understand, it’s like trying to explain the colour red to a blind person. He thinks everybody can get married to the right person easily and strongly insists anybody who claims otherwise simply does not want to marry!

I meet a really broad range of people through my work and other pursuits, so have ended up getting interest from quite a broad range.

My own social life/lifestyle is very much clean living, countryside, arts, culture, social causes. However, most people that live that lifestyle are retirement age or live quite an isolated existence, largely offline and with a small circle.

I do like high achievers with cause and purpose, but yet to meet one that is mentally at peace, loves and enjoys life. That inner peace and happiness in a man is important for me.

It's more that I chose to step away from people that use drugs or alcohol even though I like the rest of them. E.g. I might go on a few dates with someone but then realise they like a drink and frienzone them.

Yes, both parents with alcohol issues.

The thing is, what in my head is alcohol/substance abuse, may not be that for other people. I don't think at all, so for me, if someone gets drunk once a week, or drinks almost every day, or consumes drugs in any form, that's not someone I want to get involved with. Whereas obviously in British culture generally that's quite normalised.

In my head, if you use alcohol to combat 'a tough day', stress, depression, that sets alarm bells ringing. Whereas I'd say many people behave in that way.

He is honest with them. It’s not his fault the women he is with choose to delude themselves that he does not mean what he says.

Possibly of interest. A decision theory phenomenon called Secretary problem, also the fussy suitor or marriage problem

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretaryproblem

There are X possible suitors/ candidates for the role of secretary, or spouse. When compared they can be ranked from best to worst. But when do you stop and settle?

My uncle married at 64 for the first time. They've been very happy ever since

Link doesn’t work.