Laid back, easy going people - tell me your secret

[HarrietBeat]

I've had enough of being highly strung. I want to be carefree!

If you're easygoing - were you born that way or did you become laid back?

Being honest with first yourself and then with others around you.

Might help if you can say a bit more about what makes you highly strung?

(God aside if it’s not your thing it’s not mine but this is the serenity prayer but it’s a good way of looking at life regardless)

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

I'm calmer now I have less stress (few years ago I was caring for older, unwell parents, had a young child and a degree of financial stress) so life is generally easier in many ways.
But how you approach things is a mix of personality and choice. I choose not to take conflict if I can avoid it, I choose not to criticise others and I choose to be happy and enjoy my life.

I think it helps having a secure childhood where being able to manage what life throws at you is taken as read.

Have you started being emotionally flexible, and recognizing in yourself that you are emotionally flexible.

Is there a Locus of Control disparity. (You are late because the traffic is bad, they are late because they have no respect for you!) that fundamentally is about low self esteem?

I find the magnesium suggestion really interesting and i'm definitely going to give that a try.
But honestly I think I'm just hard wired to stress and worry about everything. Even reading this thread is giving me a knot of anxiety in my stomach.

Fluoxetine. 😀

I am not easygoing by nature and had a childhood that left my nerves utterly shredded.

However, when I feel I might spiral, I always focus on the reality of the situation - how big is this really, what’s the worst that can happen…..

I am also extremely organised which does help when life throws a curveball

Over the years, I have figured out:

I will never understand or know everything.
There are many things I can't control.
I won't like everyone I meet, and not everyone will like me.
One person's normal is another person's 'weird'.
If it's not going to do any harm/damage, then leave it be; not liking or understanding it isn't enough to justify picking a fight.
Life can be cruel and indiscriminate.

It helps me focus on things I can change and what really matters.

I was married to a very stressy man for a long time.
Now I'm not and I've gone back to the relaxed person I used to be.

@RhaenysRocksnails it for me - I’m by no means doing ‘great’ but I’m doing ok. I will put my best effort into what I do, but further than that there’s just no point worrying about stuff you have no control or influence over.

In the words of John Lennon (I believe) ‘Everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, it’s not the end’

I’m naturally quite selfish so I don’t spend a huge amount of time worrying about other people. I’ve never had to really work at being laid back, apparently I come across as not giving many shits about things.
Or to qualify that, perhaps rather than selfish, I just don’t seem to have the capacity to focus intently on other people for long periods of time. It’s exhausting enough being in my own head.
Out of sight, out of mind. I live in the moment and I compartmentalise my emotions. Yes I am a high functioning only child with ADHD thank you for asking 🤣

ADHD medication

I don't think you can force yourself to be laid back. I do think a lot of it comes from a secure upbringing. That said, I do think mindset helps: e.g. realising that there are many things in life we cant control; that all we can do is to try our best; and to be very thankful for the good things in life. Just slowing down, not rushing around helps. I do observe people making their lives overly complicated...and that leads to unnecessary stress IMO.

HRT
owning a cat (or two) 😻

I’ve had a very difficult life starting from childhood and so other peoples massive problems are just minor inconveniences to me.

You learn to be more resilient when you’ve had real problems.

I also refuse to allow other people to get me worked up.
Why am I going to waste my energy on them.

I would say I’m quite protective when it comes to my MH and I’m not going to let something that I can’t control work me up.

No carbs

This. I could have written this word for word. Also realising what other people think of you doesn’t matter brings a freedom of worrying about less

I read a lot. Literature, philosophy, history.

There's nothing new under the sun.

I also agree with @RhaenysRocks . Read Mark Mansons book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” or read the Stoics.

I had a pretty awful abusive childhood which predictably spilled over into decisions I made as an adult. I used to be a professional standard worrier but I realised it was useless and making me ill.

Now I try to work hard and make decisions I can be proud of. I step back from issues I have no control over and focus on my own behaviour. I rarely drink alcohol which also helps.

I'm nearly 50 and one of life's worriers and highly strung.
The last 2 years I've noticed a palpable change.

I've learnt that everything gets a resolution in the end, so what's the point of me investing my energy and getting worked up. It may be uncomfortable dealing with stuff at the time but 'this too shall pass'. I dont try and control what I cant. I had a recent work situation that historically would have really triggered me..this time, nope. Not my circus not my monkeys.

Otherwise, I've felt better able to just deal with life now I'm leading a healthier life. Healthy body, healthy mind and all that.

getting older and through the menopause helps, I’m convinced that once oestrogen starts falling you start giving less of a fuck in many ways.

also, frankly, work wise, getting to a stage where if I or DH lost our jobs, the mortgage is paid, we have savings and have options. There were times in our later 30s and 40s where that wasn’t the case.

and we’ve both been through a lot of crap, ill health, bereavement, and have got through it ok in the end.

I was an anxious child who decided to stop and rationalise. Aside from death and serious illness the rest is pretty irrelevant. I wake each day happy to taste fresh bread, to see the trees and to know I have enormous privilege being born here and now. I don’t care what people think of me and I am quite outspoken so people treat me well. I have experienced some very challenging events but don’t expect life to be without the same bumps.

I have worked on this a lot and would say I'm calm and laid back the majority of the time, it's certainly been commented on by friends but I haven't always been this way.

My mum is a highly anxious, stressed worrier. A lot of her anxiety and worrying rubbed off onto me throughout my upbringing and I don't want to do that to my own DDs. In my case, it was the realisation that all of mum's worrying and catastrophising hasn't bettered her life in any way, it hasn't improved outcomes, all it has meant is that she's not a pleasant person to spend time with. That was quite a hard pill for me to swallow but it's true. She's negative and her negativity rubs off onto people around her. I have a friend that is the same, anxious and always catastrophising and going down "what if" rabbit holes and she's exhausting to spend time with. It must be exhausting living in her head and it doesn't seem to improve her life at all.

I don't want that for myself so I try really hard to create some distance in my own head. With work for example if I find myself stressing I will step back and remind myself that it's not that deep, it won't matter this time next year, I work in an office job..... it's not a life or death situation.

I don't watch the news. I will listen to the headlines on the radio so I know what's going on but that's it.

I have stepped back from negative people and spend more time with people that make me happy. I also really curate my social media so I do have Instagram but all of the accounts I follow are about slow living, homesteading, gardening, cooking etc and it's therefore a pleasant place to be rather than stressful.

I try to limit stress as much as is in my control and live as simply as possible. We don't have pets for example, because they'd be just one more thing to have to deal with. I limit how many clubs DDs do so I'm not constantly ferrying them round to different activities. We get outside for walks and like gardening and growing our own food. I do yoga or go on a walk for exercise as I find both a mindful activity. I try to eat a whole food diet as much as possible and limit the ultra processed junk.

I believe that in many circumstances, happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. We have had hard times, been through bereavement and redundancy etc but those things are part of life and we've survived them and found happiness again so we'll survive the next bad thing that comes our way.

I don’t think you can change a personality trait like this. Just own it! I am highly strung which does have some drawbacks sure, but it also has a lot of positives. I am highly motivated to fix things, prevent things, I am well organised, well prepared. I am ambitious. I ferociously care for those around me.

I’m proud of who I am, you should be too.

@whiteboard can I ask if your capacity for compartmentalising your emotions derived naturally or would you say you've worked on achieving it? If the second, how did you do that ? Cheers

I'm a chronic overthinker, and I don't want to be .

Now when I thought pops into my head I consciously say ' this doesn't have to be my burden ' or ' this isn't a thought for now' .

It has helped a bit .