Laid back, easy going people - tell me your secret

[HarrietBeat]

I've had enough of being highly strung. I want to be carefree!

If you're easygoing - were you born that way or did you become laid back?

Totally agree. I've been through a significant amount of trauma in my life, still a worrier. If anything it makes you more aware of the many things that can go wrong.

I do think some of it is down to upbringing and personality though. Another person in the same position as me might be much more chilled out.

Those saying ‘lifes too short to worry about things you cant control’ etc. Trauma/illness put things in perspective etc. Yes that’s all very true. But worriers and neurotics usually know that deep down.
The key here is how to retrain/rewire the brain out of the habit of panicking, worrying and catastrophising.
A combination of CBT, therapy and addressing your triggers (social media, booze..) is where I would start.

I agree. I actually went through much of life with minimal trauma and was pretty level headed. Then it came like buses and along with Peri menopause, I have become a lot more neurotic and on edge. Whilst also being able to hit the ‘fuck it’ button in other times.

This.

Counting your blessings and having gratitude is a central tenet of happiness. It’s not about God or woo or anything like that, but it’s a mindset where you appreciate all the good things in your life instead of hyperfocusing on the negatives.

I had long term depression and anxiety and then nearly died in childbirth. After that it felt like someone had pushed the hard reset button. I’ve been happy as a clam for the last 20 years - in spite of some fairly tough challenges. I am solvent, have love, a job I enjoy, a beach nearby, and the occasional glass of champagne. I have all I need and more. My cup is full. Everything else is just noise. Fill your cup.

@Weirdconditionaltense
I moved around a lot as a child, different schools etc. I had to develop a bit of a hard shell but at the same time have a fairly outgoing personality. I learned to adapt and fit in, in order to make friends and not rock the boat too much. Being laid back helps with this because I just didn’t have the energy to care too much, I was too busy in the moment thinking about me - how was I adapting, how did people perceive me.
Being an only child being forced to repeatedly make friends and being repeatedly uprooted I think lent itself to the selfish part. So I don’t think it was ever a conscious choice, rather a consequence of circumstances I couldn’t change.

Somehow, your post really resonated with me and gave me a little buzz of hope ☺️

Unfortunately I've found traumatic experiences have had the opposite effect. I am much more anxious as a result of these experiences. Understanding that anxiety is pointless is a world away from actually being able to stop being anxious, in fact it just adds another layer of self flagellation as I know I am destroying my life and yet can't stop.

However, what has helped me to be less anxious is cold water/wild swimming. I dunk myself into freezing water as often as possible and it has done more for me than years of therapy and medication.

I am lazy and simply cannot be arsed to get worked up about stuff that simply doesn’t matter.

Have you watched The Pitt? That was my working life for over 20 years so everything that bothers others is minuscule and not worth any consideration to me having witnessed what I witnessed for 12 hours a day and night over and over.

Honestly cannot be bothered to think about anything that’s not catastrophic I’m afraid.

Always been a calm cucumber truth be told, grew up with a shit load of abuse and DV so learned very early on to stay calm and controlled for self preservation.

I think living with the right person helps too. My DH is really laid back and I find that rubs off on me.

Twice daily meditation, a good multivitamin and a more Buddhist outlook on life.

I think go easy on yourself OP. There may be many things in life that would roll off you and stress out other people. There are very rarely people who are laid back about everything. Some things don’t bother me at all when they would bother others, some things can really get to me whereas you may not bat an eyelid. Are you perhaps just passionate about things or a bit of a perfectionist? These can be good traits if you use them correctly. Don’t change who you are. There is only one of you.

I don’t care about a lot of things - literally couldn’t care less about things that aren’t my family or close friends. Why would I care what someone I don’t care about, thinks about me. I need to be aware of apathy though as I can drift into that

Internal anxiety

@whiteboard, thanks for your response. I can sort of understand what you're saying. I can see another family member might describe her situation and perspectives in a similar manner.. Although obviously everyone is unique..Thanks ☺️

they do say the less you care the happier you'll be.
Does anyone think it depends what kind of environment you were bought up in and the way you saw your family react to. stuff?

I would describe myself as fairly easy going now but I think it's basically because I have developed really good boundaries and no longer do anything I don't want to do (I mean, of course I do have to do some things for my kid and family, but generally speaking). I used to go along with things I thought were 'normal' or that my friends wanted me to do that used to make feel anxious or stressed, now I just don't bother. I live a simple life on my own terms and have a very regulated nervous system.

OP I've been surprised by the number of people on this thread who've said that traumatic experiences/losing loved ones young has led to them being laid back. My experience has been the exact opposite, and I think I'm in the majority, just not on this thread, which has attracted naturally laid back people as requested in your thread title! I think most therapists spend their days working with people on how adverse past experiences have led them to maladaptive coping mechanisms like anxiety. I don't think anyone who is anxious or highly strung actually thinks it will benefit them or improve their life. The idea that knowing worry is pointless and self destructive is all that's needed to stop is making me quite cross!

Like some others, physical things have helped me best: cold water swimming, yoga (preferably also outside and in the cold), running, singing, breathwork. I highly recommend the book 'Breath' by James Nestor.

When things go wrong I ask myself 'Will it matter in a year's time?'. If the answer is 'No,' which it nearly always is then I shrug it off.

No point stressing about it.

I think people who say they just don't care about stuff or only care about stuff that affects them or their family aren't actually easy going at all. They are just indifferent.

Hi, could you recommend some of those book please?

dh being diagnosed with cancer put everything into perspective.
little things just really don’t matter anymore and the clarity abject terror provides means that you refocus on what matters.

I'm laid back and the eternal optimist. It drives my DH mad because he's the opposite and he wants me to worry about stuff that's never gonna happen like he does. I've never been a worrier and I suppose it's just the way I am.

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I’ve always been like this, as have my mum, nan and aunt. I think their vibe created a sense of calm for me so it’s all I know really. All of us tend to try to find the positives in everything where possible.

i also tend not to rake over negative things. That’s not to say i put my head in the sand and don’t deal with them, but once felt with I don’t go back to negative memories but tend to remember and talk about the positives. I know some people that do loop a lot on things that are either negative. That might be gossiping negatively about someone else, or looping on worries or looping on a bad experience or something that has annoyed them.

i tend to either loop on joyful or positive things and then aim to acknowledge but leave the negative/ worrying stuff in the past. Often worries and things that make us angry are things we can’t change anyway! And if we can change them or have an impact on them then I think energy should be spend making positive change.

probably all easier said than done if you’re used to thinking in a certain way but that’s what I’ve noticed in the differences in mindset between me and some people I know that have a more highly strung - they tend to have a more negative outlook in general than I do.

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