Laid back, easy going people - tell me your secret

[HarrietBeat]

I've had enough of being highly strung. I want to be carefree!

If you're easygoing - were you born that way or did you become laid back?

I think I was born this way to some extent and have family members who are laid back, so model behaviour on what I’ve picked up in childhood.
Events that have happened in my life have given me perspective too, like when I returned from work after maternity leave I very much had a “nothing that happens in this work environment is the end of the world “ attitude.
Also lost loved ones young which makes you realise you should just not waste time stressing about stuff

i loved a phrase I saw in a film, a character in a very stressful situation is asked why he isn’t worrying? And just asks deadpan ‘will that help?’.

i also use the tip mentioned above, particularly at work. What’s the absolute worst thing that can happen ….realise it’s unlikely and also that it would be manageable. And work backwards.

I had some therapy following a big rift in my family. It was excellent in making me see what was my responsibility (or not!) and also that it’s my choice how I react to something. I could choose to get really wound up or could choose to let it go, what I have is no choice over is what other people do, just how I react to it.

It’s incredibly liberating. I used to be the family fixer, I feel so much better letting other people fuck up and deal with it. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

If it’s not under your direct control let it go.

You can’t control what happens in life, but you can control how you react to it.

In any situation, staying calm and level headed is going to work out better for you.

"No man can add an hour to his life by worrying" (or, in a less smooth translation 'no man can add 18 inches to his height by worrying')

I am generally laid back. I tell myself often that daily incidences are not the end of the world and it is very important for me not to judge.

Also and this is fundamental, I only have one life and no matter what, I am going to live it in the most peaceful way I can.

And I don’t do any SM other than MN.

Buddhism. Genuinely. I'm not a Buddhist but I've learnt a fair bit about it over the years and it's wonderful. Start by going to YouTube and watching some videos by 'Buddha Motivation'. The videos are really short and are all about how to cope with everyday worries and stresses.

I must admit that I'm naturally laid back and fairly positive too. And I've had some terrible things happen to me, but have managed to maintain it.

i had an emotionally neglectful childhood and a toxic home life back then. Lots of shouting, stomping and slamming.

I have been a worrier and tense all my life. I'd do anything to take the edge off.

My memory isn't that good but it leads me to worry I'm misremembering stuff and I ruminate on a lot "what if I did a bad thing but don't remember?" Sort of thing

I use magnesium citrate for sleep!

I am keen to read books that are quite positive and takes the emotion out of life. I find it comforting to think we're just tiny specks in space. And that's life is incredibly short

Anyway, I found exercise helps the most!! I'm hoping my 40s will bring me peace

I’m very intense with a tendency towards anxiety. But after a bereavement I became quite depressed for a while and it was actually a lovely change from being highly strung. I’d be on an airplane thinking it would probably crash but ah well, probably for the best.

I’ve been trying to hang on to the sangfroid as the black clouds lifted.

Sertraline and having been so unwell at times I had to say good bye to my family etc - don’t sweat the small stuff !

Depends what you mean by 'highly strung' I guess.
By nature I'm a quite intense person - but on the outside, I'm easy going compared to many. I can't assimilate with people who find problems in literally everything, or who project all of that onto those around them. It would take me a lot to complain about something for example. Like others have said, I choose my 'f@cks' to give wisely, I'm a rational thinker and focus on the things that truly matter.

People tell me I’m extremely calm and laid back. My husband might disagree sometimes.

My mum was extremely feisty and quick to anger. There was a horrible atmosphere in our house much of the time as a result. My dad was always calm and measured. I take after him. My husband is a very laid back type too. We never shouted at our children when they were young as I know first hand how awful that is to experience.

I’m a really lazy person, that might be connected 😂

My Mum worried about everything and nothing, I swore I would never let my life be affected by worrying about stuff that may never happen.

I cannot think of any situation where my life would have improved by worrying about it.

Firstly getting back into my body..I think when I was anxious I was always somehow buzzing about just above it if that even makes any sense.
Breathwork and physical grounding helped with that. Now when I feel myself getting pulled that way I take deep breaths. And clench and unclench muscle groups and I feel more present and relaxed.
Also aging and deciding to give less fucks about everything all round.

Being raised GEN X in a huge poor but hardworking family.
Living a childhood like the memes about that time, we were pretty feral if I’m honest.

My friends sister at school died when I was 15, Suzanne was only 17 when she died. If at any point I feel bad I think well at least I can feel something, that poor girls death made me realise life is for living and fretting about anything makes no difference to the outcome.

I was seriously ill as a very young child myself and spent a couple of years waking up in hospital on and off. My friends DS had a serious illness as a child as well, both of us almost died. He is a very anxious young man, never had a partner, likes to stay at home has a safe job. I ended up having a motorbike which I crashed twice, have been off on holiday by myself, did martial arts, peeked over the edge of mountains, almost drowned due to my love of swimming in the sea and grabbed life by the balls. If anything he had much nicer caring parents, his Mum is a close friend. I just think it’s natural personality and incredibly complex.

This! Once something awful happens it really puts everything into perspective.

Im highly strung, I really try not to be and most of mt friends would probably think im not.

DH knows, DS to a lesser extent.

I have routines that help,

I cant cope in a messy environment. That makes me spiral, so I have a small everyday set of chores that makes me feel ok.

Everything has a place and I can cope if they are where they are meant to be.

I decided to have a run of self help books, meditation podcasts etc. I almost had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't cope with the inner self. Better for me to swallow it down and keep it contained.

I have quite severe disability that happened in my late 20s. My son is disabled due to meditation that I took in pregnancy that is now being investigated as a Dr's error. I cant open up the box to what might have been.

But I do use the phrase

"Shit happens, move on" a lot.

And it helps me to be a "normal" person. Im a great friend, brilliant wife, fantastic mother, daughter, sister (so I've been told lol)

Learning about perspective.

I used to be a total drama llama - any little thing from a minor cut in my finger, to a broken glass, to a lost key - was an utter calamity….

was stressed to the point of exhaustion.

lots of therapy later I’ve started to get a bit id perspective.

I’ve learnt that unless someone is literally have a heart attack or bleeding out from a major wound - it is not an emergency.

poorly children, sick cats, lost shoes, broken down cars, oversleeping - all need addressing but they are not emergencies - I don’t have to go into crazy high alert.

I I’ve learnt to access and address what matters.

to see things for what they are - although this is inconvenient / annoying / expensive mistake etc - it has happened / it can’t be undone - all we can do is find a way forwards.

learning not to ruminate if the past and all the coulda shouldas which are not helpful.

drawing a line - saying - shut - this is where I am now - might not be what I wanted / expected but what am I going to do now to progress things. Dwelling is not going to change matters.

I am not by any means a ’zen’ laid back person - but I am a lot more balanced and calm.

People say ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ and it is a bit trite - but it is true. If you don’t get riled up about stuff that really doesn’t matter you have so much room in your head and heart for happiness and contentment.

You're wrong to make that presumption. My mother died when I was a child and that, along with subsequent events, has had a significant impact on my life.

That doesn't mean I'm not resilient or content but I'm intrigued by people who - like my young adult daughter - are laid back and easy going.

This is same for me.

I think when you experience major trauma and life events the small stuff becomes water off a ducks back.

I remember a colleague of mine who’d lived a charmed life. Proper perfect not just instagram perfect. She had to have a hysterectomy. Her whole world collapsed and she gave up work. For the first 6 weeks she wouldn’t even lift a glass off the table next to her.

she’d just never had to process that level of emotion on 50 years. To her it was major.

I also think personality plays a part. I’ve always been laid back and passive. SOS my dad and my DS is too.

My mum and siblings OToH 🤔🤣

Id you’re after advice on the mindset. For me if something happens I always think to myself about how much wise not could have been and actually find a solution and so realise it’s more a “shit happened but there’s a way to solve it” problem iyswim?

Having said that it isn’t always a healthy way to live. I suppress a lot of emotion because multiple trauma has meant that if something get me off of probably lose it for days or weeks!

So you need to find a balance that works for you.

I agree with this so much. I lost 3 of the most important people to me between ages 10 and 22, so learnt pretty early that I cam survive anything.
I have also been blessed by having some amazing women as family and friends who helped nurture my courage and confidence. Naturally they'll also tell me to pull myself together if needed, and I'm open to that. They helped me build a steady foundation.

Born this way I think.
My adult life has by no means been trouble-free. Ages 25 to 35 were an absolute shit show from start to finish. But I think my fairly laid-back demeanor helped me deal with it.
I'd agree with what others have said about liking yourself, and liking the life you've built, helps a lot. Having hobbies/interests and a rich, internal life also helps. As well as being content and happy in your own company. I'm never, ever lonely, and very rarely bored.

I've a very strong sense of logic and I think that helps.

I don't worry about stuff I can't change or control - it's pointless.

I don't care what other people thing - again it's pointless and they just have opinions like me, neither necessary right, just different perspectives.

Action is more powerful than thoughts. Overthinking gets me no where, action does.

I think if it's going enough for me and I'm doing the right thing then that's good enough. If I'm internally context, external judgment doesn't matter.

Thank you for your replies.

I think being able to compartmentalise is a wonderful skill.

Also not opening the box of what ifs.

Magnesium citrate, two capsules per day before bed. Mine is a generic brand from supermarket.

Edit to say that I take two capsules as says on the bottle. Other brands may need taking 1 capsule, just check the instructions😊