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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

516 replies

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

OP posts:
DoubleWobble · 11/04/2026 21:32

Assuming yours wasn’t an arranged marriage, of course it’s fair. You all had choices.

spicysalad · 11/04/2026 21:43

You made your choices. You could have chosen a high earning career, why is it the man who has to be ambitious?

Elizabeta · 11/04/2026 21:44

what stopped you being more ambitious?

HeyThereDelila · 11/04/2026 21:45

YABU. Why don’t you get the high paying job?

DollydaydreamTheThird · 11/04/2026 21:46

You are going to get anilihated OP! 🤣

Cricketashes · 11/04/2026 21:47

Why can't you earn your own high salary and buy the big house yourself?

BIossomtoes · 11/04/2026 21:48

Cricketashes · 11/04/2026 21:47

Why can't you earn your own high salary and buy the big house yourself?

At 57 she’s kind of missed the boat now.

Decisionsdecisions43 · 11/04/2026 21:48

So teaching is both really stressful and demanding and also a hobby job that people do for pocket money?

EmeraldRoulette · 11/04/2026 21:48

So you're going to have to tell us why you wish your husband was more ambitious and you don't wish that you were more ambitious

I often wish that I was more ambitious/tougher/smarter and that I had done better....

if you're saying you wish you'd married differently, okay sure. But just say that then.

ilovesooty · 11/04/2026 21:49

Nothing to stop you making different choices if you'd wanted to.

Lilylady · 11/04/2026 21:49

I don’t know if I am out of touch but in my experience, a teacher earning £44k near retirement is at the lower end of the scale. From your original post I assume you are still teaching - what is your salary if so?

converseandjeans · 11/04/2026 21:52

We’re both teachers & DH doesn’t get a TLR & is only UPS1. I have been PT since having kids & do an additional job on top of my PT. But we are in a much smaller house than the majority of my friends & pension will be modest. I didn’t really think along those lines when I was younger tbh & didn’t go for promotion when kids were younger & now I’m too old & tired. So yes I am in the same position. I think a lot of people on MN have a partner who earns well so you might not get much sympathy or empathy!

Evaka · 11/04/2026 21:52

Why weren't you more ambitious if you wanted lots of spare cash? What a rotten thing to say about your husband.

Easterbonnet26 · 11/04/2026 21:52

I know several teachers, and they all earn much more than £44k

Whoops75 · 11/04/2026 21:53

Friends who are both teachers have a great life, they are frugal but spend wisely.
Have been all over the world doing home exchange for a month every summer.

life is what you make it

golemmings · 11/04/2026 21:53

I hear you.

Yes, obviously you can choose who you marry, @DoubleWobble but if you have to choose between a bastard with money, or the man you love, then I wouldn't choose the rich git.

DH is a TA so earns less then half of your husband, OP. I work clinically in the NHS. I spent many years being resentful of having to keep him and the kids (his salary doesn't cover the bills) and I've made my peace with having to work until 70 or die in service.
It's shit though when you work your socks off, supporting the entire fucking universe and you don't ever get to enjoy it whilst mercenaries who got rich off other people get to swan about and have a retirement. V

Fairyliz · 11/04/2026 21:54

Can I ask what you have done with all of your money, do you live in a very expensive part of the country?
DH and I both only earned average salaries so about £35k each. However by the time we were close to 60 our mortgage was paid off and the kids had left home and living independently. As a result we certainly weren’t wealthy but had a decent lifestyle.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 11/04/2026 21:54

my mother imparted the wisdom that you can only feel envy if you’d take the total package, and it was good simple advice.

It’s easy to cherry pick the ambitious wealthy husband and big house, but would you have been prepared and equipped to be a ‘trophy’ (not meant disrespectfully, it’s bloody hard work!) with a partner who was often absent and distracted by work etc.

Basically, all you know is the choices you chose. You don’t know what choices or sacrifices your friend made, so don’t worry about the comparison.

CypressGrove · 11/04/2026 21:55

Why don't you wish you had been more ambitious?

Dexternight · 11/04/2026 21:55

Envy is a horrible trait.

cotswoldsgal1234 · 11/04/2026 21:55

I think it’s OK to feel jealous. But just keep the feeling locked away and accept that your friend is very lucky that her husband worked so hard.
We would all love to retire early, but most of us can’t. Try to make your life worthwhile and be happy. Retirement will soon come and then you will wish you were still 10 years younger.

DreamyJade · 11/04/2026 21:56

I wonder if your DH is down the pub moaning to his friends that he wishes he’d married a more ambitious wife who he could live off.

keepswimming38 · 11/04/2026 21:56

So you want your DH to run the business but not yourself? Is becoming a teacher not an ambition? What do you earn missus?

Dexternight · 11/04/2026 21:57

We have equality.
Make your own money.
Poor husband.
Maybe he will find someone who appreciates him one day.

EmeraldRoulette · 11/04/2026 21:58

@TheAngryPuxie also I don't think your friend bought that house without some other source of income.

Not a criticism, just an observation.

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