Sex or not to sex…

[Tiillytubby]

AIBU? I love my partner, and I’m happy and looking forward to our future lives together…but, I have close to zero desire to have sex. Not with him, not with anyone, and I’m totally content with that. I don’t want to ‘supplement with testosterone’ or read smutty prose to get myself in the mood. I’m completely content with my low sex drive. It feels to me as if this is simply a natural phase of my cyclical life span…mother into crone. Why do we fear this stage?? Genuinely asking as to me i don’t feel ‘wrong’; quite the opposite. (F46)

These replies are so varied and interesting and go to demonstrate there are many different kinds of normal, I think. We’re definitely not all at it like rabbits in our perimenopausal years…but equally lots of good advice to keep communication channels open. Thank you 💕

Not sure where you got all that from, like @RogueFemalesaid surely we’ve all been there at some point? It doesn’t mean I don’t desire my highly attractive and virile DH, it means I wasn’t feeling it at the time and it was a relief knowing he was happy and so was I.

I’m with you on the lack of desire.

When you say not completely sexless, what does that look like for you? Once a week, a month, a quarter, birthdays only?

This is exactly what it's like for me. We now have sex every second Sunday, scheduled. I always enjoy it, but have zero desire to initiate. Everyone's a winner now.

Why do we fear this stage??

Genuinely answering your question and not meaning to sound like a twat: I really like sex.

My libido hit the floor for a couple of years in the throes of early parenthood, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation and I really, really missed it. Back then we averaged sex once a month (it would happen whenever I felt the slightest flutter of desire and every time I initiated my husband was up for it, he didn't want to pressure me so he never initiated during that phase). I always enjoyed it when we did do it but I lost the desire for it in between times if that makes sense - but even then I missed having the desire!

I would be so, so sad to think of going the rest of my life without sex. I can't imagine it. I hope we'll be one of those couples getting it on regularly on our old age! It's fun and bonding and pleasurable.

Can I ask, and again I mean this very genuinely as I really am curious - did you ever have a higher libido? I ask because oftentimes people who say they don't miss sex also say that they never liked it that much to begin with. So I have wondered if that's most of those people, or if there's a significant group who had a higher libido, lost it and don't miss it if that makes sense. When mine was lower I really missed it even though I didn't miss sex in that moment?? A bit odd, but hopefully I have explained it OK.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs probably once every 2 to 3 weeks. Could be up to 4/6 weeks depending on circumstances. Rarely go for more than 4 weeks without sex…

@YouBelongWithMe yes, almost scheduled for us too.

Hrt brought mine back.with vengeance and sex is so much better. We have older kids so dont have small people factor to contend with

Yes, i understand you completely. I guess mine has always been on the lower side. I am very specific in my sexuality, i used to wonder if i was slightly asexual only because what turned on most women didn’t really do it for me. So, there absolutely could be a bit of that. I hope you and your partner are still at it into old age!! and enjoying it 🥰

People suggest testosterone and ‘smutty books’ as you call it only when the poster is either a) sad that their sex drive has disappeared or b) wants to save a marriage that is going to fail if their husband is going to be denied any form of sex life.

Nobody would be suggesting hormones and erotic fiction in response to an OP who said ‘My partner and I don’t have sex and we’re both absolutely fine and happy about that’. Those things are suggested as a solution when it’s a problem. If it isn’t a problem, no solution is needed. So I’m not really sure why you’re posting really - if you’re confident that you and your partner are fine, I don’t understand your need to post a thread in justification of it.

Personally, I don’t think being ‘46 with two grown kids’ has anything to do with this. I’m 50 and I’d be absolutely devastated if my sex drive declined, personally. Plenty of women have no noticeable decline in their sex drive at 46 and plenty won’t be experiencing any obvious perimenopause symptoms at that age. And among my friends, kids being grown up is usually cited as a reason for a resurgent sex drive, not a dwindling one. So while it’s totally fine not to want to have sex if you and your partner are both happy with that, I don’t think it’s especially helpful to normalise the idea of saying goodbye to an active sex life at the relatively young age of 46. There’s nothing wrong with it if you’re happy with it and it doesn’t cause any issues in your relationship - but that doesn’t mean other women have to accept the same situation for themselves and it doesn’t mean that next to no sex life equals a healthy marriage for everyone.

I think some people are taking your post to mean that your husband is going without and is unhappy about it. Doesn’t seem to be the case. Your post actually seems to be about how you don’t feel like there needs to be the societal or medical narrative that low sex drive needs to be addressed.

I’d agree with you that it doesn’t have to be painted as a problem, but conversely people there should be enough about it out there for people to know that help is available.

Depends what your partner thinks!

If he’s GENUINELY ok with it, then that’s fine. But not many people would be at age 50.

So… the question is what’s worse- Sex or risk of losing your partner. Both are difficuly in your situation so it’s a case of pick your hard.

Why do we fear this stage??

Because for a lot of women it means that something that was previously an avenue of pleasure has been closed off to them, and that’s something a lot of us find depressing. Fine if you’re happy to pass from ‘mother into crone’ at 46, but lot of women wouldn’t be (I think the whole ‘maiden-mother-crone’ thing is horrible misogynist ageist bullshit anyway; I would never define myself or any other woman in that way). And I think a lot of people fear it would have a negative impact on their marriage - not everyone would be comfortable with losing the connection and closeness they get through sex with their partner, and not everyone would feel comfortable with effectively condemning their partner to near celibacy either.

If things are working out for you and you’re happy with yourself and your relationship, that’s brilliant and I’m genuinely pleased for you. But everyone’s different and other women don’t have to accept things they’re not personally happy with. What’s right for you isn’t right for everyone, and that’s OK.

It’s genuinely interesting hearing others views. I am quite comfortable and invested in the crone stage of my life, in fact I secretly welcome it, as i know it to be a powerful and beautiful phase. I think this just demonstrates we are all so very different and individual and that’s what makes the world and women’s experiences of it so unique.

yes, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to what i intended

Crone….

you’re only 46!

🤣🤣 thank you.Ill take it, I know i'm not ancient or anything…but I don’t feel like I embody the ‘mother’ persona either. Some of us are old souls…

Nobody should ever have sex, feel obliged to have sex, or be pressured to have sex, if they don't want it.

Im 41 and while I want to have sex with DH im terrified as I had a ruptured eptopic pregnancy in 2024 so I have avoided. However now he physically cant due to muscle damage and we both miss it but we totally understand each other as to why.

Don't do it if you dont want to. I found my ex repulsive near the end and he still wanted to have sex so I done it and felt ill for days. Ill never do that again.

Goodness me OP, I'm also a bit freaked out by this strict categorisation into the misogynistic maiden/mother/crone boxes! Do you not feel you want to just, you know, be yourself?

Seriously! You might have half your life ahead of you! Plenty of time for unleashing the crone!!!! 😂😂😂

I feel the same and I’m the same age as you too.

I don’t see them as mysoginistic at all! I see them as part of the divine feminine and honour the power each one represents.

Interesting chat but I'm also 46 and there's just no way I'm ready for my crone era 🤣

This sounds traumatising and painful, and understandable you and your husband feel differently regarding sex.

I'm only 39, 40 this summer and I'm SO READY to embrace the next bit, whatever it may be called. I've embraced growing out my silver hair, am delighted at the idea of not being objectified/gazed upon by men. I actually identify as someone ready to retire 🤣