Sex or not to sex…

[Tiillytubby]

AIBU? I love my partner, and I’m happy and looking forward to our future lives together…but, I have close to zero desire to have sex. Not with him, not with anyone, and I’m totally content with that. I don’t want to ‘supplement with testosterone’ or read smutty prose to get myself in the mood. I’m completely content with my low sex drive. It feels to me as if this is simply a natural phase of my cyclical life span…mother into crone. Why do we fear this stage?? Genuinely asking as to me i don’t feel ‘wrong’; quite the opposite. (F46)

I’m clearly a ‘young’ fogey, who is welcoming in the crone goddess and wants all male attention to fuck right off. This doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I’ll stand on the sidelines and cheer while other 46 yr olds are out there doing the do and bonking like mad.🤣

‘I identify as someone ready to retire’

Excellent! 🤣🤣

Please tell me this is satire?

Probably a man…🙄

Op if you’re both aligned on your mutual sexual desire, that’s brilliant! If you’re mismatched, not so much but no one should feel they have to have duty sex. That’s so miserable

I am 38. I haven’t had sex for probably coming up to 10 years an have absolutely no desire to. I’m single though so don’t have to worry about it.

What’s “smutty prose” and where do you get it from?

I feel the same. He never says anything to me but I feel bad for him but the fact is that I am happy with it like you. No desire to have sex at all

@categorychaos lots of free stuff online. A bit like porn, but words, so (apparently) works for women in a different way…some call it ‘spicy’ novels or similar

You’re not unreasonable however that doesn’t make it ‘normal’

“Pick your hard”🤣🤣
each to their own OP, if you’re both happy then fair enough!

I was going to make a joke about ‘picking my hard’ …but let it slide. Glad everyone is of a similar saturday night snarf snarf snigger snigger type mood.🤣🤣

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as a lot of my friends are just doing the bare minimum sexing so they can stay married. They don’t want it with their husbands.

I can’t be the only one thinking this is awful carry on. These same women would look down on sex workers, but aren’t they doing the same thing?

It’s unnatural.

This is not a problem if your DH also feels done with sex or doesn't fancy it very often. But are you clear that's the case, or perhaps don't want to say it that plainly to him? For many men, sex is how they feel connected to and loved by their partner. And that's the same for some women too. Please just have an honest and open conversation with your husband about this and be clear how he feels, because I know several of DP's friends are devastated that their partners no longer want to have a physical relationship. If sex is very important to him then you may feel you want to work with him on this. I found this article made very good analogies, eg if you like talking about feelings but he doesn't, you would probably still want him to talk to you about that. https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/01/12/when-women-consider-physical-touch-to-be-a-less-real-or-important-love-language/ When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language

Read up on Responsive Desire. As women grow older, it is normal not to feel any spontaneous desire where you feel the urge for sex just out of nowhere. It is more typical to have responsive desire, which means that if your partner initiates, puts the effort in and gets you in the mood, you will enjoy sex - you just wouldn't go out of your way to get it. Dr Whiten argues this is normal for middle-aged women. https://www.drpsychmom.com/responsive-desire-in-women-if-youre-never-in-the-mood-thats-normal/

I’ve talked to many many women over the years and I think what you describe op is more common than people make out. I think as women get older, especially those going through the menopause, sex is low priority or even just another boring chore.

I personally know five middle aged (devoted) couples who don’t have sex any more but still have full lives of travel, friends, hobbies etc. So sexless marriages definitely aren’t unusual imo.

Sex is not the be all and end all.

Literally both of us want to but cant. However i still love my DH its just this one thing

You made it depressing!

In my experience if there is a mismatch is sexual desire, this isn't usually something that is a 'running joke' between the partners. Even if it appears that way, for the person being rejected there will be underlying resentment there.
Its obviously fine to decide you are done with sex. If your partner is okay with it being mostly off the table, then that's fine and dandy. If your partner is not fine with it, that is not a healthy situation and will not lead anywhere good. Not sure if this is the case, or it is just the tone of your responses, but you don't seem too bothered that he may want more or to be willing to consider what you can do to address the mismatch? If that is true, then the real issue may not be the sexlessness but the fact that you are less than considerate about his needs in the relationship.

Best have that conversation with him otherwise you will simply not be compatible as a couple if you both want different things.

@Tiillytubby I think it's natural to stop wanting sex at some point as we age, and that point in time will be different for everyone. I also think it's natural and very healthy to have separate bedrooms at a certain point, because as we get older we can have very different sleep patterns, become snorers and such like. I love having my own room and have zero interest in sex after several long relationships and lots of fulfilling sex. I'm f68.

All your posts are about how YOU are loving your non-sexuality. Which is great for you! No one should have sex they don't want to have. The best way to go about not having sex is to be single.

None of your posts are about how your partner feels about the prospect of a sexless relationship from his 40s on to the end of his life. If he's as enthusiastic about celibacy as you are, that's great for both of you - what a good match you are.

I suspect that this isn't the case and the real relationship-killer isn't just that you don't want to have sex with him, it's that you're so blase about rejecting him. If DP's sex drive vanished tomorrow with no clear reason I would actually expect him to do something about it rather than going, oh well, a sexless relationship it is then. If my sex drive vanished tomorrow I would definitely be worried and seek to get it back. (This is different from the dry spells most couples probably go through that are due to things like health, stress and so on.)

Also "I want all male attention to fuck off" is a grand thing to say about assorted random creeps, sleazes and harassers. It's supremely twatty thing to lump your partner in with those men.

I cannot imagine knowing with any certainty at all about the sex lives of five separate couples. If I found myself in a situation where 2 friends were talking about their sexless marriages I would probably say "yes me too" as a means of moving the horrific conversation on to a completely different subject asap.

I think it’s fine to not want it any more as long as you’re open and honest with your partner about how you really feel. If you honestly feel like you’d be ok never having sex again he deserves to know. If he’s happy with it then that’s great if not that’s another conversation

In my experience one never really knows what is going on in inside a relationship. I was part of one of those seemingly 'devoted' couples for 20 years. The inside was a dysfunctional sexless intimacy-free mess. These couples might well be sexless, and one of them might think this is fine. Their other halves may be getting it elsewhere (with or without their spouse's consent) or have one foot out of the door.

Or if they've been presented with a fait accompli then they pretty much have to accept it, or split a family up/leave a person they love/start again in middle age - some people might well choose unhappy sexlessness over those options.

And I don't think the person who has embraced sexlessness can genuinely speak on behalf of their partner about their feelings on the matter.