Sex or not to sex…

[Tiillytubby]

AIBU? I love my partner, and I’m happy and looking forward to our future lives together…but, I have close to zero desire to have sex. Not with him, not with anyone, and I’m totally content with that. I don’t want to ‘supplement with testosterone’ or read smutty prose to get myself in the mood. I’m completely content with my low sex drive. It feels to me as if this is simply a natural phase of my cyclical life span…mother into crone. Why do we fear this stage?? Genuinely asking as to me i don’t feel ‘wrong’; quite the opposite. (F46)

Exactly! I chose unhappy sexlessness for years for such reasons, but there was much more wrong with the relationship, so I did eventually end it. And, it was the best decision I've made in my life. That's also why I was surprised to hear the OP describe their sexless relationship as subject of a 'running joke' between them. As you say, I don't think one can speak on behalf of their partner in these situations.

Nice thread. Genuinely.

Nice to see posters feeling free to say that sometimes sex can be something you do/give (in a long term loving relationship) even if you weren't particularly in the mood ...

Like making them a cup of tea even if you don't fancy one yourself 🤣

I don't think anyone is talking about a 'swing from the chandelier' type session with fake ooohing and ahhhing. It's more like the times when it's an extra long cuddle to scratch an itch 😊

Having said that, i find my DH fucking gorgeous and the sight of him naked still takes my breath away even after 20 years together (and he's my 2nd H, i'm mid 50s) i still get butterflies when he touches me and i can't go more than 3/4 days without a hearty shag! 😃

Indeed. Equally, no one should ever remain in a sexless relationship, feel obliged to remain in a sexless relationship, or be pressured to remain in a sexless relationship, if they don't want it.

That doesn't answer the question though about how he feels.

I was in a sexless relationship once and it was very lonely.

In my current relationship we have sex and intimacy regularly and I much prefer it.

If you're both happy to be sexless, then great. If not then please be honest with him so he can move on if it isn't how he wants to spend the rest of his life.

As someone who is British and has lived abroad in three other continents, I find some British women’s attitude to sex in later life so tiresome in how “strident” and unequivocal the views are .

Mumsnet is full of people who are very vocal about how they’ve had enough of all that “huffing and puffing” and that at mid 40s, they’d rather have a cup of tea.

They never ever say if their DH is ok with that, or whether they feel there’s anything worthwhile in trying to reconnect.

As a feminist myself I believe no one should have sex if they don’t want to.

However I also believe it’s down to ourselves to actually be in touch with this side of our identity, properly , instead of lurching around nightclubs in our mid 20s loving the attention, and then suddenly realising two decades later that we never really understood who we are or what we want.

It’s just so weird to me in this country how little confidence so many of us have, to actually be open about being sexual beings or wanting to have that identity in later life.

If you say you desire more in your 50s on here, as a woman, you get absolutely shouted down by those saying “no way I’d rather have a cup of tea”.

So are all your DHs happy with that? Really?

I think it's because the relationship starts out with sex being something that both halves of the couple are aware isn't mutually desired or pleasurable. It becomes something that is tolerated by the woman in exchange for the man's commitment. They're both aware of it on some level and they allow things to continue on this path because they both get what they need for now.

Fast forward to their 40s, the woman has also had kids now, that's taken a toll, she's been "giving him" sex for years. She's over putting up with something that was only ever tolerable for her. Understandably. There is less incentive to do something that isn't mutually pleasurable.

At least half of this is caused by men being terrible lovers to women.

Tolerated by women? I love the sexual side to my marriage.I am 55 and post menopause. I have no plans to give it up.

Why would you mindlessly agree to go along with something?

These are separate people I’ve known over a lifetime and it has come up over the years. The conversations were not ‘horrific’. They were the kind of deep chat you have with close mates.

One particularly energetic, attractive and loving couple were a real surprise to me - the wife just told me one day out of the blue over a coffee that she’d told her DH she’d shut up shop and that was it. He is like a puppy around her so had presumably gone along with it. They continue skipping around like a pair of teenagers.

Two of the couples are dealing with illnesses. I know from hints and various comments that sex is unlikely.

Another two of the women are close colleagues and said it in passing one day when we were talking about marriages (both women hated sex, one as a result of CSA, the other found it ‘messy’ - the messy one troupered on for the sake of her marriage but recently admitted that her DH now had ED and it was a relief to her that she no longer had to put out).

These are all real scenarios and if I extrapolate that out from other snippets of conversations with women over the years, there will be many more who could happily live without it.

Why are his feelings more important?

Such interesting replies this morning thank you and I thank everyone for their honesty. One post mentioning ‘responsive desire’ Thank you! I’m definitely going to look into that, as yes, this is ringing a lot of bells. Just to make it clear to anyone who isn’t reading the full thread; we do still have sex! I think it’s the idea of full blown, hot blooded desire that isn’t there on my part…but it isn’t there full stop. Not even the posters for Hail Mary featuring Ryan Gosling do a jot for stirring my loins. 🤣 I’m loving reading about all the ‘I still tear the clothes off hubby’ posts. So so pleased for those posters (and partners) Thank you for allowing a safe space for this

Ryan Gosling does nothing for me!

Im not speaking about relationships where there is still.mutual sexual desire. I am.talking about the many where there is not and some see it as totally normal and to be expected. They know someone can only tolerate something for so long.

It's a great and honest thread. I think it's only the 'running joke' thing that rings some alarm bells for me OP. You are clearly very comfortable with your own position on this - your sexual desire appears to have just ceased. So you'll accept maintenance sex once a month or so. Is that sustainable in the very long term for both you and your DH? If your genuine desire is to never have sex again, can you accept the current set up? It will stop feeling like a joke at some point.

Not more important but equally as important. It's his marriage too.

I truly don't understand how a relationship can even last a few months based on such a poor start, let alone get all the way to marriage and kids. Why would you stay with a terrible lover? Why would you tolerate sex you don't want? Is a man's commitment worth all of that?

Everything about this mindset is awful really.

For some women, especially in the past, it wasnt "awful sex", it was "the only sex they've known". I think that is a factor.

Even now where premarital sex is a norm, the orgasm/pleasure gap exists. So someone could have had a series of horrendous lovers and then found one that was merely awful. That seemed the most tolerable.

I wouldn't mindlessly agree to go along with anything, nor ever advise anyone to, but it's evident that many people do.

Illnesses are not what we're talking about. I've had dry spells because of health. I'm aware conditions exist that will take sex off the table. That's different from shutting up shop just because, and expecting your partner to be OK with that.

I'm grateful that my friends and colleagues (!!!!) have better boundaries than yours, anyway. I don't know where I'd put my face if a friend randomly told me over coffee about her sex life. At least have the decency to do it over a glass of wine. Also, you have no idea what her husband feels about it, no matter what brave face he puts on in public.

The idea of a workplace where my colleagues' historic CSA and current sex lives are topics of discussion makes me want to call HR. Good fucking god.

Yes 40s has been my best decade by far sexually. Mother into crone?? 😂

Please stop saying 'crone', even lightheartedly it is an appalling term.

Having a low sex drive is fine, obviously. As long as your dp is happy at not being physically desired. Thing is, those people put up with it until an enthusiastic third party comes along then all bets are off. If you're happy with that risk, great. Please read the relationships board for how these things tend to pan out.

Imo relationships are like everything in life the more you invest the better they are and intimacy is a big part of a good, healthy relationship.

As a young adult I loved nightclubs, being up late, and really enjoyed sex. None of those things are of interest to me any more and I don't miss them now mid 40s (thankfully divorced for the last few years). I'm perfectly happy to know others do but to me they all sound like far too much energy 🤣

I have several female relatives that have been single for decades and when I was younger I thought that was so sad. Now I totally get it - not crones at all but confident, strong, happy single/divorced/widowed women with really fun and adventurous lives.

My married friends are increasingly miserable it seems in their 40s. Mismatched sex drives is regularly an issue mentioned. I have had so much negativity to me not dating again. It seems to almost offend some people that I am happy single. We should be more open minded about the circumstances that work for different peolle.

No sex life means friendship. I don’t want a friend, I want a husband .

very genuinely as I really am curious - did you ever have a higher libido? I ask because oftentimes people who say they don't miss sex also say that they never liked it that much to begin with. So I have wondered if that's most of those people, or if there's a significant group who had a higher libido, lost it and don't miss it if that makes sense.

Yes, this is me. I had a very high libido as a young woman- from my late teens up to late 20s so quite a small period of time really. But yes, during that phase, I had a very high drive. In retrospect, presumably that was my hormones trying to get me to reproduce.

I did indeed reproduce and the libido certainly waned in pregnancy and post birth. And then it never really came back. I’m late 40s now and would happily never have sex again. I have fond memories of my high libido phase but I don’t miss it or wish I could get it back. I find the thought of sex comical/bizarre rather than arousing.

I had a massive surge in my mid to late 40s and I put that down to my body telling me it was the last chance saloon! It was great. DH was exhausted! 🤣

If you really ‘wanted all male attention to fuck right off’, you wouldn’t be going on about your partner and how much you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life with him. You might not want sexual attention, but you clearly want romantic attention.

You’ve just decided that you’re somehow on a higher spiritual plane to women who enjoy a damn good fuck and don’t define themselves by narrow age/gender stereotypes that are not remotely about women’s ’power’ but were, and still are, about shoving women into arbitrary categories based on their breeding status, like farm animals.