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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex or not to sex…

107 replies

Tiillytubby · 11/04/2026 20:32

AIBU? I love my partner, and I’m happy and looking forward to our future lives together…but, I have close to zero desire to have sex. Not with him, not with anyone, and I’m totally content with that. I don’t want to ‘supplement with testosterone’ or read smutty prose to get myself in the mood. I’m completely content with my low sex drive. It feels to me as if this is simply a natural phase of my cyclical life span…mother into crone. Why do we fear this stage?? Genuinely asking as to me i don’t feel ‘wrong’; quite the opposite. (F46)

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/04/2026 10:05

I also don't like categories. I went through a early menopause and completely lost my sex drive at around 44. I finished a, not great, relationship and stayed single. At 52 I started to get my sex drive back and got into a relationship. We are both nearly 60 and not ready for less than twice a week, but usually more. I embrace each stage and I'm looking forward to my 60s, my childcare as a GM will tail off. But I'll never categorise myself. My single sister tried to tell me that I'm someone who likes to be in a relationship, but I've been happily single (with and without fuckbuddies) for years at a time. The beauty about aging is that you don't have to make long term plans, in the way you do if younger and ttc/house buying/moving jobs etc.

Original poster
Tiillytubby · 12/04/2026 10:11

I think this thread is proving over and over again there are many types of functional relationships…and it’s the mis match and lack of honesty or communication that causes the issues.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 12/04/2026 10:15

I am completely asexual post menopause but I wouldnt expect a partner to live in a sexless marriage unless he was happy with that. The fact you say he can just leave if he doesnt like it makes me wonder if you love him at all.

Comedycook · 12/04/2026 12:14

JacquesHarlow · 12/04/2026 07:53

As someone who is British and has lived abroad in three other continents, I find some British women’s attitude to sex in later life so tiresome in how “strident” and unequivocal the views are .

Mumsnet is full of people who are very vocal about how they’ve had enough of all that “huffing and puffing” and that at mid 40s, they’d rather have a cup of tea.

They never ever say if their DH is ok with that, or whether they feel there’s anything worthwhile in trying to reconnect.

As a feminist myself I believe no one should have sex if they don’t want to.

However I also believe it’s down to ourselves to actually be in touch with this side of our identity, properly , instead of lurching around nightclubs in our mid 20s loving the attention, and then suddenly realising two decades later that we never really understood who we are or what we want.

It’s just so weird to me in this country how little confidence so many of us have, to actually be open about being sexual beings or wanting to have that identity in later life.

If you say you desire more in your 50s on here, as a woman, you get absolutely shouted down by those saying “no way I’d rather have a cup of tea”.

So are all your DHs happy with that? Really?

I totally agree with all of this.

Threads like this make me feel like I must be an absolute weirdo for not wanting to embrace full celibacy at the ancient age of 44.

Honeypickle · 12/04/2026 12:25

I remember Catlin Moran writing about bad sex where a woman never orgasms and the man always does as like always going to other people’s birthday parties but never having one of your own. I really like that analogy!

Gloriia · 12/04/2026 19:32

Honeypickle · 12/04/2026 12:25

I remember Catlin Moran writing about bad sex where a woman never orgasms and the man always does as like always going to other people’s birthday parties but never having one of your own. I really like that analogy!

Or, like going to a party and sitting in the corner ignoring everyone then wondering why you didn't enjoy yourself.

Springspringspringagain · 12/04/2026 19:42

Tiillytubby · 12/04/2026 08:41

Such interesting replies this morning thank you and I thank everyone for their honesty. One post mentioning ‘responsive desire’ Thank you! I’m definitely going to look into that, as yes, this is ringing a lot of bells. Just to make it clear to anyone who isn’t reading the full thread; we do still have sex! I think it’s the idea of full blown, hot blooded desire that isn’t there on my part…but it isn’t there full stop. Not even the posters for Hail Mary featuring Ryan Gosling do a jot for stirring my loins. 🤣 I’m loving reading about all the ‘I still tear the clothes off hubby’ posts. So so pleased for those posters (and partners) Thank you for allowing a safe space for this

Edited

I seem to remember it was Esther Perel who talked about more women having responsive desire rather than active. In other words, once they started, they enjoyed it, but they weren't walking around in a state of lust all the time. More men are actively desiring it, more women are responsively desiring it. Or something like that anyway.

There's a lot you can do to improve vaginal health, not just use oestrogen pessaries, as you go into peri, meno and out the other side. I'm sure lots of people go off sex at this stage as it becomes uncomfortable and there's less moisture so you feel that must reflect how you feel. Moisturising every day, using feminine devices (Google Halle Berry's one if you don't know the one I'm talking about, something like Issivia?), pelvic floor exercises, it's like all muscles as we age, it's not time-consuming. My vag is the best exercised bit of me!

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