To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

Friday - Monday though only really adds Friday evening? It's still only 2 full day, and a half day. So equivalent of 5 days a month?

50/50 is what good dads would want, if it really isn’t practical then at a bare minimum coming over for dinner twice a week would be better than eow

We used to have this arrangement, EOW then exh came over for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He gave up the Tuesday evening pretty quickly. We kept the Thursday evening for 5 years until recently! I put a stop to it because I got fed up of having my exh in my space, putting the tv on for the kids and not engaging with them, making a mess of the kitchen and bathroom, I’d still have to be there to ensure they did any homework set, he was supposed to do bedtime but he’d always end up leaving before they were asleep. The last straw was when my exh broke a slat on ds1’s bed. I offered exh to take the kids out for dinner but he declined, surprise surprise.

Please stop telling your DC that her father is a fantastic father. Do you really want her to grow up and accept this appalling lack of effort from a man?

Because it would make 50/50 easier for their child? My brother doesn't want her to, he's happy that his son gets to live there but the distance does make some aspects of being a hands on dad more difficult for him. That's all I'm saying.

There's no issue per se, but it gets expensive and but when I think about all the little things I do for my own daughter - a 5 min school run, a drop off for a club round the corner, a 5 min round trip to drop her off at a party, it would make my life a nightmare to be constantly doing all these little things in another town 30 minutes away in the car. Hence why we all usually choose a doctors surgery, school, dentist etc local to us. That's what is being asked of my brother to maintain 50/50 and while I have no doubt that he will do it the best he can, I can see slightly more why sometimes more things start to fall to the resident parent after splitting.

OP, you asked what people consider a 'fantastic father' to be. Let me give you the example of my DC's father. He does at least as much childcare as I do (sometimes more), he handles most of the school related and hobby related stuff, does his share around the house, and I am able to go away by myself fairly regularly without having to worry. I will not accept any less than this, because this is at least what most husbands and fathers have.
A man who sees his child every other weekend is little more than a sperm donor IMO.

It gets expensive? Try being the RP. Even if you get cms, its a pathetic amount as a % of income. If i could ring fence that on my salary, hand it over and forget about my two teens for a month I'd be quids in. (And I earn the same as my ex). Yes being a parent is expensive and time consuming and inconvenient. Tough.

It's the equivalent of 8 days a month, and 16 nights. For our situation, we also have her every holiday for the full holiday, and 5 weeks of the summer holiday. As I said in an earlier post, we used to have her every weekend and during the week but she is older now and hates getting up earlier. There is not one size fits all approach especially when you have teens. I also have an older teen DD who only goes to her dads when she wants to, which can sometimes be all the time, and sometimes can be weeks. For the OP though, her contact seems pitiful.

Maybe it's just because I'm in Ireland where services etc are all but more slack... but a dentist appointment, doctor appointment etc aren't everyday occurrences so 30 minutes here and there is fine. Extra curriculars you just manage between parents when arranging what days each parent has access and obviously the child comes first so for weekend games etc it's just the child's time and not wother parents really.

You make a choice... you either do what it takes to be a 50/50 parent (including fair share of schooling and medical etc) or you default to having less access. Parenting is expensive for both sides. Yes, driving around gets expensive but it's also expensive when the RP has to pick up the slack and do the driving (even if less) and feed the kids or bring them to the activities etc and have less "free time".

Lots of people say they want 50/50 but don't really want to have to put in the effort unfortunately. Whether that's distance, living a really low key life or getting a 2nd job.

My children stay at their dad’s on a Tuesday and Wednesday night overnight and then Friday night one week, Saturday the next alternating. It means I see my children every day so they have the stability but also that he does school pick ups and drop offs, clubs, homework, boring mundane things that means it’s a more equal split. He isn’t just fun weekend dad! It works well for us. Happy to message and elaborate

I don't know if I'm just being stupid but J can't do the maths 😂 How is it 16 nights? Or do you mean when you include the holidays and divide it evenly over the year that's how it works out?

I completely agree it's not a one size fits all, and particularly when they are teens they generally get more say.

I think that good fathers would want their child 50/50 and would move mountains to make that happen. Anything less isn't good parenting.

(My exH finds an excuse to cancel his weekday with his children and has only started having the youngest EOW fairly recently into the 14 years we haven't been together. He is a crap father).

My DH only has his children EOW and in the holidays, primarily due to distance as their mum moved away with them after the split to be near her own parents (which DH accepted and understood). They have always met halfway to hand them over.

They have a good relationship with him and speak every day but obviously it's not ideal as he is not really a part of their everyday lives, in terms of meeting their friends, watching any hobbies (they don't have any these days, he did used to go up and watch some football matches if SS was playing), just generally knowing their routine etc.

I think ideally if it were possible he would also have them one evening a week, which seems to work well for many people and would allow him to be a part of their school week and routine, but unfortunately it's not.

Tbh the only other couple I know who have separated do do 50/50 with their son, but certainly when I was younger every other weekend and one evening during the week was the norm. I think things tend towards 50/50, or close to, a bit more now - which could also be due to the cost of living as it enables both parents to work more.

On the what makes a good father point, I think it’s important that regardless of time spent, the mother isn’t the default.

I was at a bbq once sitting chatting to this kids mum and dad, and the dc came up and said ‘dad, did you pack me any spare socks?’ It occurred to me that you hear sentences like that very rarely. As it happens she was a sahp, he woh, so it isn’t about time spent.

I agree with this. 30 minutes is nothing. My kids are going to a holiday club in the summer which is 30 mins away from home, then another 20 minutes for me to work. Then the reverse in the evening. Plenty of privately educated kids do that kind of journey every day to school. Even some kids in secondary comprehensives have a longer commute than that.

If the parents decide that that doesn’t work for the kids, then the NRP should be paying well over the minimum maintenance as a compensation for time/loss of earnings etc.

No its me sorry. We generally do Friday - Tu, or Th - Mo so its 16 nights, but 3 nights would be 12! Its getting harder as she is now in year 8 and has clubs and things, and wants to hang out with friends after school and not travel to us. But we have very ogood foundations and I think she has a great relationship with her Dad from formative years.

We live 15 mins drive from my DSS mother, but his rugby and basketball and school are all an extra 10-15 minutes further. But we make it work. It takes us 25 minutes to drop him to school. His mother lives 10 minutes drive maximum but as he gets a schoolbus from there, it actually takes him 40mins!

I'd get it if it was maybe 45mins for a 4yr old can seem long but honestly as they get older than 25-30 minutes in the car is sometimes the only downtime you get to chat.

There are definitely ways of making it work more evenly (perhaps collect on a Thursday and drop back on a Monday so it's only 2 trips to school every 2nd weekend but 4 nights with NRP as opposed to 2 etc).

Basically, if they want it to work they'll make it work.

So you don't every weekend, not every other weekend? I think that's where I was getting confused because you mentioned EOW in one of the earlier comments.

That makes more sense 😂

This is a generalisation. My ex SIL is FAR better off than my brother. My DB initially offered to be the RP and her to do EOW plus a weekday but she said absolutely not, make of that what you will.

My daughters hobbies tend to start at 4pm. So I collect her from school (5 min walk), bring her home for a quick snack and drop her at her club (2 min drive) then I come home and work until I pick her up at 5.

Super quick and convenient for me, for my DB not so much. He absolutely will do it because he is a good dad, but I think the point I'm trying to get at is that I can see why in certain cases the RP ends up being the 'default', a lot more than I could before when distance is involved.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned - but EOW is often quite a lot more than 2 days per fortnight. A weekend, in 'step child' terms, can often be Friday to Monday, plus a midweek night.

OP if it works for you don't rethink it.
Honestly stability is often best for the children and many a child psychologist has quedti9ned the wisdom of 50/50.

I work in a school and would also question the wisdom of 50/50....
Of course in your situation, you do most of the work and many mothers understandably don't want this or can't offer this.

50/50 is most equitable but it's not always best for the child. So many variables... there's no right answer.

I understand the point of view that 50:50 is disruptive for children but but there's a lot of in between space - the divorced couples I know tend to do EOW plus one night a week, plus 3 weeks min over school holidays

Id say its a broadly true representation of the majority. Of course there will always be exceptions but given the restrictions that being the RP puts on earning power, childcare costs which are not always covered, if at all by UC and given the huge imbalance in outlay between an NRP paying cms and what a resident parent has to find if they are doing 95% of the parenting, Id say its pretty rare that an RP is better off unless they are unusually high earning or the NRP is lazy or unwilling to upskill and happy to send the £7 pw deemed acceptable if on benefits. I of course exclude disability and genuine illness from this.

father to my older children does EOW in theory but it’s more like one weekend a month after the first couple years after split/till he got new partner. He’s a shit father. I class EOW as shit parenting.

my youngest dad basically has him 50/50. I have him all week day times and ex has him most weekends. Overnights are 50/50. He still pays maintenance even though he technically doesn’t have to because he earns significantly more than me and because I’m a childminder having my own child takes a space I’m not paid for. I still don’t think he’s a great dad either, he’s good enough but it’s all unhealthy diet poor routine and I don’t think he’s had brushed teeth enough etc. if a woman patented how he does they would not be seen as a good mum at all- simply adequate.

a good dad would be doing 50/50 and also do 50% sick child care, the life admin of vaccinations dentist new shoes and reading to them/homework not just Disney dad parenting