To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

50/50 is not disruptive to a child used to both parents parenting equally and engagingly. It’s only disruptive when one of those parents has only ever ‘babysat’ or parented when the safe base parent is also home.

I hate the assumption that it’s best for the child to have 50/50 and that the default is it’s not disturbing unless in cases of abuse because overwhelmingly it will be disturbing as it’s a rare father who actually parents equally- genuinely equally as in interacting and care role. so generally yes 50/50 is disruptive for a child but it’s not because it’s 50/50 it’s because they are away from their secure/safe base parent.

it’s like young kids in childcare 40-50 hours a week. Decent childcare that’s not damaging poor quality childcare then it absolutely is. It’s the same for fathers- lots of time with a pants one is going to be unsettling but that’s because of the quality of care not because they are away from their mothers.

Genuine question and no judgement. Do kids feel secure doing a 50/50 split? I can imagine feeling that I didn’t truly belong anywhere if I was being shuffled between two houses every week. I guess it depends on communication. A good open relationship between parents and child and between the parents themselves. I would not like only having my teens with me 50% of the time.

I don’t think anyone who’s a good parent would only be a parent 4 days a month.

Even if you did not do 50/50 I’d expect more than just waving of hands and 4 times a month and maybe the odd holiday.

Both parents should get fun stuff and school stuff and half the holidays each to be a proper involved parent.

@Tamtimmy children are still very young but I know they’d love more time with their Dad.

Since my marriage ended I did date someone who had kids who were older than mine (pre teens). He was a twat of a partner but in fairness a good Dad, they did 50/50 on parenting and he was very hands on with the kids (homework, school stuff etc). He did acknowledge however that as the kids got older it may be that they chose to spend more time at their Mums house (she kept the family home which was bigger and meant the kids didn’t have to share), and she was closer to where their friends/school were… so I imagine as many others on this thread have said, as children get older and have more autonomy they may choose to spend their time differently.

This. 50/50 doesn’t work for the kids. They need a base and to see the other parent as much as possible. EOW is nowhere near enough.

By the time they get to teens they are usually sick of living between 2 homes and pick a primary residence.

The general theme is that the parents of kids doing 50/50 say it works fine. The kids, and adults who grew up doing 50/50, say it was crap.

Agreed... there's generally 30ish days in a month. It doesn't have to be 15 days each versus 26 to 4 days... there's lots of wiggle room to make it fairer and easier and adaptable to each child's needs.

I think it all depends on the kids tbh and the parenting styles.

If both parents actually parent (actively involved in school, social life, sports or clubs, dental or medical etc) then there is often a sense of security in both homes as opposed to (for example) the mother doing all the routine parenting and Dad just being a 'Disney Dad' or vice versa. Also both parents have to be committed to location to a degree... we live outside of town but my DSS can get a train into town at the weekend if needed (one stop, 10 mins) or we can usually drive him in too to see his school friends (15 mins drive). But if we lived further out or weren't as freely available for lifts I think as he gets older he'd choose to stay more with his mum for social reasons.

Also because he lives 50/50 between both homes he actually has friend groups at both homes so sometimes we pick him up on his Mums days to see his friends here (mum doesn't drive).

On the flipside one of his friends parents are also seperated and that boy goes to stay with his Dad for 2 Fridays a month, and out for dinner once a week. His older sister (about 15 or 16) never stays with her dad. Their father doesn't get involved in schooling or extra curricular, it's hit and miss if he'll bring them to see friends and tbh the mother is absolutely run ragged doing this that and the other. The boy seems to have a good relationship with his dad from what I know, but definitely wouldn't go to live with him.

I think every scenario is different and whilst 50/50 always seems the fairest, it's not always in the child's best interests.

EOW is pitiful.

I don't think your child's father has them enough, although I don't agree with a 50/50 arrangement either. I say that as someone who shares care of our DD with her Dad 50/50, and the only person who's happy with the situation is my exH. DD (8yo) has expressed that she'd prefer to spend more time at mine and I'd be happy with this, but her Dad won't agree to it. He is a good Dad in many ways but can be a lazy parent (hence why DD would prefer to be at mine) and he's always been a bit selfish. I think there is a middle ground to be found with your child's father. He should have them more than 2 weekends per month.

My eldest is with his dad every weekend unless him and his OH are going out which they let me know in advance. (Never a problem as this is his home and everybody needs a weekend away at times). He will also spend ad-hoc weeks over there during the holidays and we alternate his Christmas and birthday. This year I have him for Christmas and his dad had him for his birthday. We tend to work things out pretty well and communicate any changes either of us would like. My son is also old enough to be making his own decisions with it so he will say if he wants an extra week during the holidays with his dad or if they're doing something he's not particularly interested in he'll ask to stay here.

Look, this seems to work for you , your DD and your ex. He pays up, he's consistent with the time he does spend with her and you have a good routine.

From my perspetive, I'd say he's less of a good dad and more of a really good dad-like figure or perhaps a great uncle. But at least he's not an actively bad dad. Children can do just fine with an active parent, and less active, but still reliable (within a specific context) other adults - especially fathers.

The reality is that she probably won't grow up close ot him. It's unlikely she's going to see him as her protector or confidant. When she gets older, she might not go to him for advice or help. But that doesn't mean they can't have a perfectly nice relationship that works for both of them, particularly if she has a good relationship with you. I know plenty of people who, as adults, care about their fathers and are happy to have them in their life but who don't see them as core family in the same way that they see their mother (aka the parent who actually brought them up). Mostly this is in the case of families where the parents were separated but frankly, is true in a few cases even where their parents are still together.

If he is a normal parent I would expect 50/50.

if he is deadbeat never

if he claims to want them all the time but actually actually rather enjoys his space and not parenting all the time then he can do every other week and say he is a brilliant dad and society thinks this is ok and ‘normal’

I think a lot depends on how the parenting has generally worked.

We are together but do our parenting in a fairly fixed routine - I do Mondays/Tuesdays (pick ups, drop offs, club runs, dinner, sick days/appointments those days), DH does Thursdays/Fridays, we alternate the Wednesdays. If we split up, I think our kids would feel most secure if we continued with that and alternated the weekends.

I suspect the OP's DH didn't really do any parenting when they were together so that would feel quite disruptive

He's really NOT a fantastic father...

You must be in an incredibly lucky and quite unusual situation if everything your child goes to is within 5 minutes of your house. One DC's school is a 15 minute walk (5 min drive), the other kids school is a 25 minutes drive, rainbows is at least 15 minutes drive, their sport is 10-15 minutes drive and their weekly music lessons are 30 minutes drive away.

I manage to get my DC to wherever they need to be 100% of the time, so it is a poor show if your brother can't manage 50%. Clubs etc, also don't have catchment areas, so he could book the kids into activities close to his house.

Agreed.

My DSS actually is in one activity that my DH started him in on Thursdays when he was 5 as that was a day we always had him. He's 14 now and goes 3 times a week ( 2 training sessions and 1 match)... his mum gets him there on her 1 day and if she can't she'll ask my DH for help and we make it work because if he was with us full time, we'd have to do it. Similarly a few years ago she signed him up to a sport that occasionally has a game at the weekend when he's with us... we either take him or his stepdad will come get him. Granted it took a long time to become this flexible with co-parents who don't speak!

But I think a residential parent, even if wealthier, would get a bit peaved off doing all the school runs, all the extra curricular, all the friends parties, all the appointments etc and that's exactly how the non residential parent ends up being out of the loop!

how many dads do 50:50 though when still married?

how many women, have kids and immediately drop their work hours or become a sahm, picking up nearly 100% of the child related activities.

so dad has to work to support the family. I remember my dad leaving early, often getting home after I was in bed. Then often went into work Saturday mornings. He was a great dad and had really wanted kids, and even on that one day a week we had a great relationship.

so a separated dad taking the kids out every Sunday isn’t that much different. Only now we expect more, but mum can’t support herself on her pt work and needs cm, so again dad has to choose whether to work to provide financially and see less of his kids, or possibly leave them/their mum without adequate income.

for both parents to have 50:50, they both need an income which supports themselves, and they both need working hours which allows them to have the kids. That is unusual, so it usually falls back to dad earning, mum dealing with the kids.

we’re back to the whole premise of women not giving up work and maintaining financial independence while dads take on more child related stuff.. So in a split they can support themselves, and dad is in a better place
parenting wise. Neither needs to give the other money, so they can share parenting.

how many dads do 50:50 though when still married?

Very good point!

so dad has to work to support the family. I remember my dad leaving early, often getting home after I was in bed. Then often went into work Saturday mornings. He was a great dad and had really wanted kids, and even on that one day a week we had a great relationship.
so a separated dad taking the kids out every Sunday isn’t that much different. Only now we expect more, but mum can’t support herself on her pt work and needs cm, so again dad has to choose whether to work to provide financially and see less of his kids, or possibly leave them/their mum without adequate income.
for both parents to have 50:50, they both need an income which supports themselves, and they both need working hours which allows them to have the kids. That is unusual, so it usually falls back to dad earning, mum dealing with the kids.

This is EXACTLY how it is, in a together family, a man can be deemed a good father if he’s a good breadwinner, even if he doesn’t see a lot of the kids due to work, but the expectations are so much greater, and more unrealistic, when there’s a split

Even if the mum was part time or a SAHM when together (which most arn't), almost all will be working full time once separated. How is it fair for the mum to juggle all the childcare, school runs and parenting around a full time job, while the dad does next to nothing because of his.

The amount a NRP pays in CMS is pitiful, and considerably less them the mum could be earning, even working for minimum wage. It might work for some couples to have one person work more and one do more childcare, but once both parties need to suport themselves, both parties also need to do childcare.

How is it fair for the mum to juggle all the childcare, school runs and parenting around a full time job, while the dad does next to nothing because of his.

But the Dad pays maintenance in lieu of this?

EOW is crazy low. He's basically socialising with his child for a few days of the month. That's not raising your child, or playing an active part in their life, is it? Imagine being without your child for over three weeks of the month. You would feel like you're not a parent.

No. The Dad pays maintenance in lieu of not having his children live with him most of the time...

The extra food, utilities etc that he would be paying for if his kids were 50:50 instead of a few days a month.

Nooooo..... that absolutely does not cover even 10% of the mental load

Imagine thinking a measly 10er a week covers it