Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

I think you were absolutely right if you have young children.

Too right

Absolutely right

Absolutely right!

Until a year ago I'd thought you were being daft. Then I found out I guy I knew well had abused his own little girl...no you were right

100% the right decision. Personally, I think that he should have stayed at his own house when you and your children are visiting. You don’t know him or his past, and let’s face it, neither does your mother.

YANBU and a decent man wouldn’t be offended either. He’s a stranger at the end of the day

I wouldn’t even spend the night at someone’s house with my children with a random man I didn’t know also staying. Surely, you only visit a few times a year if this was the first time you’ve met him. They could forgo the love fest for one weekend so she could focus on her grandchildren, right?

Cautionary tale, my mum had a boyfriend (now husband) that she met online dating. I always found him a bit weird, but couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. His children were NC with him and he doesn’t have any friends. We live far from each other though, so didn’t spend loads of time with him. I never allowed them to sleep in the same place as my dc. When she visited alone, she stayed with us. When they visited us together, they got a holiday let.

Found out several years in that he was convicted of sexually abusing his daughter, hence why all his children are NC with him.

Now this absolutely does not mean this guy is some creepy paedo. Of course, not all men are. But you are 100% right to trust what feels safest in your gut. Anyone who is truly above board and respecting your boundaries would take no offence to that.

I understand what you're saying OP.

But how is getting to know him going to stop him abusing your children if that's his intention?

In fact if it is his intention, he'll make it his business to make sure you and your DH like him.

You were right, however I wouldn’t have stayed at all with a man I didn’t know staying there.

Yanbu.
Safeguarding means that no one gets automatically "assumed" to be fully trustworthy - there are checks and processes and among the sensible measures is that your children need to know that it's not normal to have sleeping arrangements with an unknown male - not because this guy is necessarily a risk but because everyone knows that the categories of "people who seem really nice" and "predators who hurt children" do have an overlap and the bad people do not wear labels or identify themselves.

Thanks for all the comments, it's good to know it's not just me. To be clear, he wasn't part of the offence and I said nothing to him. If she told him then he didn't let on.

@WonderfulUsername that comment about "until I know him better" was really just a comment for her to soften what I was saying. I agree they would never sleep near him instead of us, even once I know him more.

@mindutopia Im with you there, but that's a whole other thread! I think it's her that wanted him there to meet us and as it's her home and I felt not up to me to dictate.

Your mum is being irrational, imagining that you share her knowledge and opinion. Most people are irrational.

I don’t think he should have been staying over at all this time but hey, outside your control.

When it comes to decisions regarding your children, I think the maxim "how would you explain your reasoning to a coroner?" is useful. It doesn't matter what others would do, would you feel justified when explaining it to a coroner?

I wouldn't have liked him staying there either. It's about other types of safety too. If you hadn't even met him before that day then she should have been more thoughtful about letting you know in advance that he'd be there. Depending on how young your children are, you may not feel it's appropriate for them to know Gran's romantic situation.

This^
Tbh I agree with @Overthebow about not staying at all at the same time as him. Young children aside I
would be uncomfortable myself.
How long does your mum know him at all?

I would have you you were worrying over nothing, until my mums boyfriend of 6 years climbed into bed naked with me one night. Apparently it was an accident....

Agreed

Good decision, OP. It only takes one chance and a 'bad touch' to change a child's world forever.

My oldest friend and her then boyfriend (now fiance) came to see us when my son was 2. I had only met boyfriend once as we live 4 hours apart. It was at a friend's wedding and he got really drunk and shouted at her. Apparently totally out of character.

Anyway she asked if they should stay or get a hotel. I said hotel as I wasn't comfortable with this man staying in our home overnight.

I didn't say that, just that we use all of our bedrooms so didn't currently have a spare one.

You are right to put your children first, everytime. Your children, your choice where they sleep and who has access to them.

Why he didn't go home to his own bed after dinner and give you all some space would be my first query, the second being why your mother was jumping to offence and is very unhappy with you for preferring your children to sleep with you instead of adjacent to a man you've never met.

I think you're absolutely right and should hold your line.

I think you are being very sensible but I can also see why she has taken offence. I would probably feel very similar to you about someone else’s boyfriend, but I’d feel hurt if someone said this to me because obviously I think that my boyfriend is no kind of threat and I know that I wouldn’t choose a man with pedo vibes, so I’d feel like the person didn’t trust my judgement. I think it’s very fair to feel how you do, but I think making up another reason would’ve gone down better as it can be a bit difficult to be objective and not take things personally in these situations

You rarely visit your mum and she thought she’d have her boyfriend over? Lovely

Agree he was forced on you a bit

how does getting to know him a but make him less if a threat

are you planning on doing Clare's and Sara's law ? Dbs

I would have done the same as you

It's not just about him being a "potential pedo", common sense would have him go home and let the family spend time alone, as @GoldDuster said. The fact that neither of them thought this was appropriate makes it seem like they're not thinking of anything but their own preferences at the moment. And that's fine, but OP should have been pre-warned so she could decide for herself.

The trip could have been framed as "I'd like you to meet New Man". A few hours over a meal would have been normal. Him asserting his position by staying over could have been a bit of a shock, especially if it's OP's first time seeing a man who's not her dad acting at home there.

I would suggest that OP tread carefully in case New Man sees an opportunity to drive a wedge between grandmother and OP.

Finally, I wonder what your husband made of him?