To have let my dc have a wrap for lunch?

[Foodfumbles]

We nipped to the shop after swimming and they asked if they could have a wrap for lunch (this is a rare treat for them).

I let them have a whole wrap each (450cals if relevant) and since arriving at my mum’s she has lectured me on letting them eat an adult portion and saying I obviously want them to end up like me (overweight) letting them eat that.
To them she’s said how big their lunch is and even she would be full with a wrap and they should be sharing.

I have had endless food issues throughout my life thanks to how I was raised around food so I struggle to know what’s normal and what is her warped thinking. This is the same woman who told me my child was overweight and was getting fat (she wasn’t at all, she was on the 55th centile and very average!)

Aibu to let them have a whole wrap every now and then?

Why? If they'd had half a wrap each, that would have been 225 calories, which doesn't seem much to me, especially after swimming. How would the OP have got hold of cut up cucumber, carrots, red pepper etc, given they bought the wraps in a shop on the way to her mother's?

Hope they enjoyed their tasty wraps.

Your mother sounds like mine, OP. I was very thin as a child (thanks to her parenting) but I was constantly hungry.

I am now (aged 60) overweight, but I think part of my trouble is because she competitively underate and limited our food and snacks until I left home at 18. I was ALWAYS bloody hungry growing up and there was never enough food. She gave us tiny portions and told us that was 'enough' even though we were a sporty family and did an awful lot of exercise.

It's damaging.

Are these a home made wrap or a Macdonald's of KFC one which I would understand are definitely less good for them.

So 250 calories plus about 10 for the token veg. Where are the children going to get the other 1000 to 1500 calories needed? It's a sandwich for goodness sake not a 3 course meal.

Read the OPs posts and you will find out.

Yep - quite a few people on MN have a bit of a strange attitude to food.

Your Mother is unreasonable. I am never full after a wrap like that. It's precisely why the shops do a meal deal. I take it she is a competitive under eater? Those wraps are perfectly acceptable for a 4 and 7 year old. Don't give it a second thought.

Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have your own family to look after. It is your mother's choice to refuse carers. This guilt trip of hers is appalling. You are entitled to refuse to act as carer. She just doesn't want you to be independent and out of her control

I’m sorry, she sounds toxic, behaving like a child and demanding her own way. Are you able to say no, tell her your children must be your priority and you cannot do all, if any, of caring for her. No doubt when anything goes wrong it is your fault and responsibility to resolve

Mine used to look forward to stopping off at Greggs for a hot sausage roll and yum-yum after swimming on Saturday mornings in winter. I also took them to MccyD's after kickboxing.

To expect a kid to exist until evening on a couple of hundred calories is demented.

We don't need to know what was in the wrap or the calories or what else you children had eaten or their ages or weights.

Your mother is not to be listened to about food or bodies
Your mother is not to be listened to about food or bodies
Your mother is not to be listened to about food or bodies

She has serious food and body issues and successfully passed them on to you. Her perspective is not one of wisdom or helpfulness. Unwinding the issues her words created in you in the past is going to be complex and lengthy work but what is simple is the need to set a firm boundary around this topic so that you are the last generation stuck doing that work.

Be calm, clear and consistent. Comments about nutrition, weight, or food choices for and around your children are unwelcome and if they continue you will have to leave/hang up the phone/decline the next invitation. Don't get into justifying this - it is a decision you have made as a mother and that's the end of it. She can choose to forgo the food and body talk or for everyone to say their goodbyes.

And create an auto-reply in your own head: "My mother is a nutter when it comes to food and listening to her advice or criticism is like listening to Victoria Beckham's parenting advice". Keep repeating it every time she says something or you hear that mental voice that you know is actually her.

If you child is hungry let them eat. Give them healthy choices most of the time. It only become a problem if they become overweight and don't know when to stop and then you may need to step in with portion control. Otherwise let then eat I say

@Foodfumbles You don't have to provide care. You don't have to offer support. You don't have to love her. If she doesn't want carers and you aren't prepared to provide care she'll have to change her mind or go without. I know it's hard to walk away. I know the guilt is difficult. But kindly, you are choosing to accommodate her and her toxicity. Your subjecting her toxicity to your kids. I'm sure she has qualities but is the relationship really bringing you anything?

It’s illegal to force someone into a caring role in the UK. There is no legal obligation to look after a parent.

So what if she won’t accept outside help?

I don't really enjoy bread. I prefer the thinness of a wrap, which makes the filling the main thing about the meal.

Because she expects you to do something doesn't mean you have to. You can choose to stop being her carer; you don't need her to "accept" or agree with your reasoning. Maybe you should give some serious thought to whether you're going to keep doing it.

She's so toxic. I wouldn't want her around my children talking like that you know she has given you issues around food, id want to protect the children from hearing the rubbish she's saying.

Agreed

but the op is so under her mother’s thumb and has her own extreme and concerning issues around food - that the OP’s children will be around a mother with very fucked up view on food and diet day on and day out anyway

Your mum's parenting skills were inadequate to say the least and have they have had a lifelong negative impact on your relationship with food. I can't imagine that, food issues aside, she was a warm and loving mother to you.

It's ironic that she expects you to provide loving elderly care for her when she failed at motherhood and it's even worse that she uses your sense of obligation to her to extend her warped views on food to your children.

You have no legal obligation to provide hands on care for her and, given your childhood, no moral obligation either. You are probably stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) where your mum is concerned but I would tell her that if she ever comments on your children's diet/weight, you will not be coming back.

From reading posts on the Elderly Parents board, the elderly parents whose parenting skills were inadequate to say the least and often actively abusive and unkind, are the parents most likely to expect their adult children, pretty much always daughters, to provide hands-on elderly care.

By shutting your mum down completely when she makes these inappropriate and damaging comments, you are protecting your children. If she ends up relying on carers because she refuses to stop her appalling behaviour towards you and your children, that is entirely her own doing.

@Foodfumbles you don't have to provide care for your mum. She needs to pay for carers. This is even more important than the food thing.

A wrap is perfectly normal and a good lunch for a child.

My 6 year old out eats me. Especially when they’re about to have growth spurt.

There's also close to zero calories in that cut up veg - so that plus half a wrap would potentially leave the poor kids really hungry.

after intense activity like swimming they should definitely enjoy a wrap. My children like them, they can be more interesting than a sandwich