AIBU to hate what's just happened at work?

[AbbotSade1985]

Worked on a project for the best part of 18 months. Led the project, which was quite technical, and controlled a large number of teams. The project was launched earlier this week and all went well. Someone in my team, equal to my level, joined 2 months ago. We'll call him Paul. My manager, we'll call him Steve, has seen all the work everyone's been doing.

I've worked near 12 hour days over the last few weeks. Paul has done his 9 to 5. Because Paul is new, I've helped him massively get up to scratch. He was brought onto the team because someone left and his role was to cover 1/3 of the project.

Steve and Paul have become good friends, going for drinks after work. Yesterday, Steve sent an email to Paul, CC'ing all senior management and thanked him for all his work on the project. Someone on that email forwarded it to me and asked why he was being thanked, when I had not only led the project, but worked really hard.

Steve doesn't know I know and I've not heard a thing from him, apart from a thank you in our last meeting a week ago.

I've checked in with colleagues about whether my performance lacked in any way and I've had a huge amount of praise.

AIBU to think I should have been thanked in the same way?

I agree with this.

I know exactly how this feels and how common it is. The only way to deal with it is to ask for a skip level meeting with your manager's manager and tell him what you've told us. Calmly and unemotionally and above all, unapologetically. Ask him (I expect it is a him) what he is going to do about it. Then take your hard working talents elsewhere if this isn't rectified asap. The new guy should have responded to all on the email saying the credit wasn't his and redirected it to you. Stop helping him and match your work hours to his while you look for a new position. It's the boy's club in action.

I would go for this too. While quietly reducing my hours and giving less of myself to the role.

The point here is that as a manager, Steve shouldn't be socialising with Paul or anyone else as a ‘mate’. You can’t manage your mates in the workplace. It’s a conflict of interest. What you’re effectively telling OP here is that she can’t compete with the old boy network and shouldn’t even try to. Just accept the lack of recognition, and that being a ‘mate’ will inevitably mean Paul’s career will advance over her own. Then slink away with her tail between her legs and transfer to another team, where it’s only a matter of time before it happens again because no-one challenges it.

Makes me mad! Of course you should have had your huge part and hard work for this project acknowledged. Boy's clubs. Don't let this go, sounds like your colleagues have your back.

Exactly this. Don't let it go, it's a depressingly familiar story.
Try working in a female-dominated profession where a man's presence alone is generally enough to make employers over-excited and believe their fairly ordinary contributions are somehow absolutely remarkable.

Weird question OP but do you work in renewable energy? This sounds horribly similar to something that happened to me. I was eventually managed out with the newcomer meddling ☹️ I also witnessed similar happen to a colleague.

You can usually tell who is a hard worker and who is a shiny shyster by their ass kissing, sickening LinkedIn posts e.g "absolutely loved working on this project with XX and XX" with casual mention of a "technical challenges", "results" and "leadership" but they've only been at the company for 5 minutes

🫠

Awwww, the good old boys network carrying on as normal.

Really, really grating.

Glad you're going to say something.

I'd say "Steve, someone on the other team questioned why it's Paul that's been brought to the attention of the senior managers for the work on the project. Can we have a chat about this please? Because, to put it bluntly, I'd have expected you to credit me, given my role and work. It would be helpful to understand your perspective on my performance, as it seems we may lack a shared understanding of the value of my contribution".
If he asks who told you, tell him you'd prefer not to say, as you want to keep the focus on your performance.

Why does it take you 12 hours a day to do what Paul can do in a normal working day? Maybe Steve thinks you are not as efficient as Paul. It might be a time management problem.

Potentially, I think it might be normal to be thanking a new staff member, and copying other senior people, so they know they were a good hire.

However, the email questioning it, sent to you, makes this weird. I'd reply to that person and say "If you have any integrity why don't you raise this with the senior team?"

I think you're massively jumping the gun and could end up looking foolish.

Perhaps they just sent him the email as an ego boost to say well done for getting up to speed having only recently joined?

What if they're planning a big end of project congratulations for you? In which case is you confront your boss you're going to look like a right idiot.

Wait it out and see if a big celebration comes your way before going in with guns blazing.

Maybe because OP was supporting Paul as a newcomer alongside her own workload and bringing him up to speed. And maybe because Paul had responsibility for one third of the project, while OP was leading it as a whole ? So more a workload imbalance than a time management issue ? It’s not rocket science is it ?

”That’s an excellent suggestion, perhaps one of the men would like to make it.”

No.

If it was just a well done for getting up to speed then it would have been a private email from manager to Paul. But it wasn’t. He CC’d the senior management so they would see one team member singled out and praised. That’s a career move, not a well done. And it is completely inappropriate and absolutely is because of old boys club nonsense and this new guy being his new mate. Senior management even noticed how bad it was.

OP will not look foolish for what she plans to do. And any man would have no problem standing up to this nonsense so OP shouldn’t hold back on it either.

When someone more senior addressed this with Steve, how did he respond?

I think you are completely justified to say what you want to say to Steve BUT I fear the Steve’s of this world would interpret telling him you won’t be putting the work in any more as flouncing, and it’s playing into his hands/game a little.

I think the suggestion to send your own message to the team is excellent (and reinforces you as the leader and owner of all of the work that has happened) I think you could have a chat with the manager who has your back and ask for some ideas/mentorship on how to handle Steve, and I also think that you would be entirely justified to speak to Steve’s boss or HR about this. Steve has already shown you who he is, and I think any kind of conversation with him is likely to prompt the least helpful or fruitful outcome for you

She was doing a lot more than Paul. And also spending some of her day teaching him, then going back to managing the whole project and doing her own work.

What a stupid comment.

Wow, apparently sexism at work is not only alive, it's doing great!
I'd probably start quietly looking for a new position somewhere else.
I don't think you can change the culture within the workplace. It could only backfire.

If Paul was Paula people would be speculating about an affair and favouritism arising from that. Gay men can and do also operate in this way, just saying…

This is a great suggestion, as it corrects the false narrative given to senior management and makes Steve look silly for not having acknowledged you in the first place.

The only thing I’d be concerned about it is that is doesn’t help you to address Steve directly, and may cause him to treat you even more unfavourably. If you decide to do this, perhaps meet with Steve after you have sent the email. Could go either way, but I really do like it!

Why hasn’t that someone who emailed it to you cc’d you into the email, expressly asking why you haven’t been acknowledged?
id go and see your boss, and just say I’d like it putting out there that I don’t appreciate people coming to me, telling me that you’ve publicly acknowledged the great job he’s done and clearly sidelined me.
its nice to know that besides doing the majority of the work on the project, i also made sure he was upto scratch on the job role he’s been doing, besides doing my own job, so thanks, i now know how valued I am as a team member.
walk away then and let him stew!

This is exactly what I would do.

I think I'd have a word in person with Steve. I wouldn't do this over email. Easier to say face to face, I just wondered why you'd acknowledged Paul's work and not mine in that email, so thought I'd better check in and find out whether there was a reason for that.

Put the ball in his court to explain why he didn't acknowledge you. Although I'd put money on it being good old-fashioned boys-own misogyny.

Personally I wouldn't say I was disappointed the way it was handled as that is attacking Steve. I would wrap it up in concern for Steve and the optics of looking biased towards Paul.

I would say something along the lines of you were surprised firstly not to be copied on an email to a member of your project team praising their efforts. (even if you are both the same level, you are the project lead). But you are concerned for Steve that this may look like favouritism (or discrimination) to some people, as you know several people who have done a fantastic job and helped the project, but they have not been mentioned.

That’s not disingenuous, that’s passive aggressive and unprofessional.