AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

If your parents asked, would you share it?

I wouldn't let her have. I think it would be massively inappropriate to give it to her

Yeah I wouldn’t be ok with this.

I’d share it but redact the parts about you.

Pay her back what they've paid, and respect your son's privacy and keep the report to yourseld

You have a husband problem.

Read him the riot act and stop taking their money.

It's your son's private medical information. They don't need to see it.

Can you redact the bits about your family history?

Erm, I’m not sure. That’s a good question. I’ve never asked them to pay for anything like this and I don’t think they would want to know the diagnostic ins and outs so I actually don’t know. Probably not, as I think about it, as it has things about my husband’s medical background there too.

Tell dh your ds deserves some privacy. When he's a teen will he be happy granny's mates know his medical history?

I wouldn’t have let her have it, but then again, I wouldn’t have let them pay for the therapy either.

You didn’t have to let them pay. Seems you want it both ways.

Have you told your husband your concerns?

It's your DSs private medical information too. It's not yours to share.

Just send screen shot of the diagnostic part?

Use a pdf editor to redact the parts you don't want read. Or cut down to just the reccommendation parts. They shouldn't be contacting the therapist, that's overstepping.

it doesn’t matter who is paying for the service, it relates to a child and you are the parents. The therapist should 100% not share this report without your consent.

tbh I read a lot of these reports and I can’t see why grandparents would want to read it other than trying to exert control.

This.
It's also a lesson for the future.
You cannot accept any financial contributions if they interpret that as some form of ownership.

I would've redacted the personal medical info and shared. From your title, I was thinking it could be a teenager having therapy for trauma, which 100% should be private. Speech and language reports usually give good advice on how to support the child, I'd be very happy if my family were interested in reading it. If everyone spending time with the child follows the advice it will help him. Will you not be sharing with school/nursery?

I paid for my granddaughters speech and language therapy, and the therapist sent her report and her regular written feedback both to my DD and to me. I assumed that my DD gave permission for that, as I didn't demand it. We were both clearly mentioned as the recipients if the emails, so she certainly would have been aware.
I liked getting them though. I paid for the sessions because I was invested in my granddaughter's development, so knowing what the therapist had discovered, how she was addressing it, and how DGD was progressing, felt like a pretty natural thing. So I'm glad that my DD was comfortable with it.

I didn’t think of this, truthfully, but also it’s a locked password protected document so I imagine it can only be edited by the therapist. The therapist has already told them no, they can’t have it but my husband insists they have a right as they’ve ‘paid’ for it and it’s ’the only way for ds to get the therapy.’ I mean we both work and earn ok money between us so I’m not sure that’s true but he’s gone behind my back - again - and made an arrangement. He does this a lot and I’m so fed up with it.

Why would there be family/ medical history for a speech report?

Ask the therapist if she would mind making a report with the bits you want kept confidential to be taken out. Or, redact it yourself.

Agree, this is health information relating to your son and they shouldn't be demanding to see it. And messaging the therapist directly is appalling. Totally overstepping boundaries and it's seems like your DH has become oblivious to how unreasonable this is, probably because he has been on the receiving end of it all his life. He needs re-educating on what is acceptable and what isn't.

If you chose to give them a verbal overview of how helpful the therapy has been, I think that's not unreasonable and nice for them to know that it has been useful.

But that's totally different to what they are demanding.

I would ensure I have an electronic copy saved on my phone for future reference, then put the hard copy through the shredder.

I am currently paying for private healthcare for one of my grandchildren. I wouldn’t dream of asking to see any reports .

Can you redact it? Remove the family history and focus on your child, particularly the recommendations - these will be useful for them to read.

There is a long history of neurodivergency in the family and our oldest son has severe learning difficulties. Medical and family histories are standard for diagnostic context and some - not all of course - is featured in this assessment report.