AIBU to think that this is just bad behaviour for an adult at a family meal - even if they are paying?

[likeafishneedsabike]

I am torn between thinking this is just ‘same old’ behaviour from DM on one hand and being quite disappointed on the other hand.
The occasion is a pizza lunch out as a late Easter treat paid for by DF and DM, who are in their 70s. Myself, DH and two teenagers present for this meal. It is of course very kind and generous of them to pay - when it is our ‘turn’ we tend to do the catering at home since we have a modest income.
DM enjoys wine with a meal and fair enough. Nobody else is drinking - two underage, two drivers and one who doesn’t want to. All fine.
The problem is that two large glasses of wine makes her quite quickly drunk to the point of slurring words and trying to start arguments. And this is EVERY TIME. Usually there is knocking over of glasses of water etc so that somebody or other gets a lap full and has to stand drying their kegs in the restaurant toilet. Not today thank goodness. The starting of arguments often extends to strangers (mouthing off at randoms in the loo and pushing a child out of the way). Again, not today thank goodness - I haven’t been back to that pizza express in a hurry.
Thankfully today she only tried to have an argument with me about the terrible wokery of the education system.
DM left school at 16 and has never worked in education. DH and I have worked in education for 25 years and both DC are in secondary school. Our opinions were not sought and Michael Gove was declared a hero.
One question was directed at the DC to ask if the younger still wanted to be a vet. DC2 has never declared an interest in veterinary science or anything like it. No further questions - they are expected to listen in silence to anti woke diatribe plagiarised from the The Daily Mail (I assume). DC1 is quite an articulate teen who did try to pass a few comments in the name of making conversation, but she’s not interested. She’s pissed and wants to hear her own voice.
By pudding she was onto Trump. ‘Now I’m not saying I like him, and I might like him less if I met him’. This is a promising start. ‘But I have to say that he knows exactly how to speak to them in their own language. They weren’t expecting him to stand up to them like this’.
It wasn’t clear who ‘them’ could be. But I just cannot see that praising Trump’s skills of communication in any context is appropriate lunch time conversation. When we think of the state of the world and the suffering of so many people as a result of US warmongering, I can’t sit there and nod along or try to argue with DM after two large wines.
So was I unreasonable to make an exit from a meal that was being paid for by DPs because of DM’s behaviour at the table? Or does paying the bill give someone the right to start drunken arguments on purpose, rant about wokery and praise Trump’s leadership?

I refuse to go anywhere with lairy drunks, I don't care who they are. Why do you keep going, especially with DC? You have agency and at some point you must realise this is on you.

I would treat it as a wonderful exercise for your teens on how to deal with drunk and unreasonable people in a sober and reasonable way. Presumably they love and forgive her so it’s a good practice ground for them to just humour her, roll their eyes later and learn how to pick your battles. She’s flawed. We all are. It’s not that big a deal imo.

@Drats

I assume you mean Tommy Robinson/Stephen Yaxley-Lennon?

Though Baldrick would make a better POTUS than Trump.

You don’t seem at all close to her. In fact , do you like her?!

what was she like as a mother to you? I’ll guess, you don’t have fond memories

Read the room.

Why would a takeaway cause you guilt to your DF. You could literally get the same food but you are just not stuck together at a table waiting for food etc. If she is drunk just stop replying.

Because the backdrop to this will be a mother and daughter who have an appalling relationship. Guaranteed.

The DF will be a spineless man who spectates as his wife mistreated his daughter as a child and now disrespects her as an adult and her children

I wouldn’t have the pair of them around my
Teens… ever

This is a very good question. For some reason they are obsessed with going out to eat. I think it’s a hobby. Staying in and having food at home is seen as a bit boring.

I can understand why you may want to keep doing it - to please your DF.

if you really car decline then could you suggest a garden centre or cafe to brunch next time (that doesn’t serve alcohol??). I know some do so you’d need to check!

I’m younger than your DM but I’ve noticed that in recent years, I don’t tolerate alcohol so well.
Has she always been like this? Is it possible she doesn’t fully realise the effect the alcohol is having on her?

Obviously we are not close, no.
As for mothering, she was very difficult indeed but I was the oldest and just took off once I was an adult. The younger ones had a much harder time than me in the 90s. I didn’t choose to look back.
they tried to get very involved once I had babies but that didn’t work at all. We are now on six times a year (Christmas, Easter, summer etc)
Whats probably apparent is that I need some therapy, really. I mean I’ve got my shit together, but the comments on this thread make me think that I have been normalising something toxic. Might need some dealing with.

Exactly - she used to be able to have a couple of wines and have a good time. She def shouldn’t be drinking.

Thanks to everyone for commenting. DH won’t talk about it as he dislikes her behaviour so much. And I’m embarrassed to tell any of my friends how bad her carry on is. So I appreciate the opinions very much.

Yeah my mum is like this.

she eats very little and has lost shitloads of weight in the last five years and is as thin as a bird.

she still drinks like a fish though and gets drunk on very little these days as there’s nothing to her.

fortunately she doesn’t drink before 6pm so we go out for lunch instead. Evening meals are painful as she forgets where she is and tells the same three stories over and over.

the rest of my family generally piss off and leave me to listen to her. I can’t really expect them to listen as she is tedious and slurred and they heard the same three stories every single night.

i’m getting better at cutting her short.

Oh poor you. You’re lucky she doesn’t drink in the day. This latest adventure was at lunch time and they usually are.

How often do you get together with them?

We see them about six times a year.

I voted yabu because you know what she's like and you shouldn't have gone in the first place.

Why subject your kids to this nonsense time and again? Are you trying to teach them to put you in a nursing home ASAP in case you turn out like her?

Just read my post 🙈 difficult read isn’t it? Chuffing heck. Yes I did mean Tommy Robinson, I’m glad I got it wrong though because otherwise I wouldn’t have known he had changed his name! So thanks for that.

Poor kids…. Seriously…. Both of them (I include your dad - the spectator to what you have alluded to being an awful childhood) are awful.

6x too many

DF wasn’t much of a spectator as he was working super long hours in a high pressure field a long way from home. Weekend based work (sport related).

Op he’d have known
he’d have been there for family holidays, dinners, when he had annual leave.

The many year that he hasn’t worked when Retired and seen her behaviour.

He can’t be excused.

Both of them failed you . Don’t subject yourself or your family to them.

Give me two large glasses of wine and I will just grin like an idiot and tell everyone how much I love them

A bit of alcohol just lowers inhibitions and brings out people’s true natures. So unfortunately your DM appears to be a right wing looney who likes to bully and dominate her family.

No, paying for a meal does not buy her the right to treat you all like this. You were right to leave and protect your DC from this.

Christ, she’s the same height as me and I can’t physically get under 10 and a half stone. This is as a long distance runner who definitely doesn’t overeat. I’m very slim. I think I would keel over and die if I got to 7 stone. At our height I’d say that is the sort of weight you’d expect from a cancer patient and I’m not exaggerating. She’s clearly very, very sick and needs help.

The views are abhorrent but sadly quite common. Doesn’t mean you have to listen to them every time she has a couple of wines. I’d be inclined to turn down the meals in future.

I wouldn’t be going out with a messy drunk, to be honest. It’s sad but it is what it is.

Is there any chance she’s an alcoholic? My ex-MIL apparently was one and I truly had no idea, they kept it really under wraps at home (husband and maids) but after he died it got worse and eventually her children were aware of it. The only reason I know is because a SIL contacted me behind her husband’s back to warn me not to leave DD with MIL.

She was also a raging cow. I’d like to think it was the alcohol but maybe she was just evil.