AIBU to think that this is just bad behaviour for an adult at a family meal - even if they are paying?

[likeafishneedsabike]

I am torn between thinking this is just ‘same old’ behaviour from DM on one hand and being quite disappointed on the other hand.
The occasion is a pizza lunch out as a late Easter treat paid for by DF and DM, who are in their 70s. Myself, DH and two teenagers present for this meal. It is of course very kind and generous of them to pay - when it is our ‘turn’ we tend to do the catering at home since we have a modest income.
DM enjoys wine with a meal and fair enough. Nobody else is drinking - two underage, two drivers and one who doesn’t want to. All fine.
The problem is that two large glasses of wine makes her quite quickly drunk to the point of slurring words and trying to start arguments. And this is EVERY TIME. Usually there is knocking over of glasses of water etc so that somebody or other gets a lap full and has to stand drying their kegs in the restaurant toilet. Not today thank goodness. The starting of arguments often extends to strangers (mouthing off at randoms in the loo and pushing a child out of the way). Again, not today thank goodness - I haven’t been back to that pizza express in a hurry.
Thankfully today she only tried to have an argument with me about the terrible wokery of the education system.
DM left school at 16 and has never worked in education. DH and I have worked in education for 25 years and both DC are in secondary school. Our opinions were not sought and Michael Gove was declared a hero.
One question was directed at the DC to ask if the younger still wanted to be a vet. DC2 has never declared an interest in veterinary science or anything like it. No further questions - they are expected to listen in silence to anti woke diatribe plagiarised from the The Daily Mail (I assume). DC1 is quite an articulate teen who did try to pass a few comments in the name of making conversation, but she’s not interested. She’s pissed and wants to hear her own voice.
By pudding she was onto Trump. ‘Now I’m not saying I like him, and I might like him less if I met him’. This is a promising start. ‘But I have to say that he knows exactly how to speak to them in their own language. They weren’t expecting him to stand up to them like this’.
It wasn’t clear who ‘them’ could be. But I just cannot see that praising Trump’s skills of communication in any context is appropriate lunch time conversation. When we think of the state of the world and the suffering of so many people as a result of US warmongering, I can’t sit there and nod along or try to argue with DM after two large wines.
So was I unreasonable to make an exit from a meal that was being paid for by DPs because of DM’s behaviour at the table? Or does paying the bill give someone the right to start drunken arguments on purpose, rant about wokery and praise Trump’s leadership?

I’ve only known one alcoholic, and they were skeletally thin. I would second the posters questioning how much she is actually drinking. I’m so sorry Op, I am also familiar with that slow realisation that one’s childhood wasn’t ‘normal’, when faced with a parent treating your children the way they also treated you, and seeing other people’s horror. It’s really hard.

She is allowed her political opinions. She is not allowed to behave inappropriately in public. I would say alcohol exacerbates already (by what you’ve said) difficult behaviour.

YABU for allowing the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to do this repeatedly when you decide for your DC. Unsettling for them and avoidable. Would look at the Stately Homes threads in the relationships section, on dysfunctional parents.

Normalising something toxic is such a powerful realisation. It's so easy for women who have been socialised by society and trained by difficult family members to do the right thing keep attending keep putting on a good face. Your parents are awful. Your DM is awful in her behaviour and your df is compliant at minimum and complicit at worst. I'd call a family meeting and by family I means you and your kids and ask honestly how they feel. Tell them you're realising you been trained to accept this but you no longer want to. Ask them if they actually want to see your mother and then ask yourself the same. I accept how awful my mother is and still see her under limited conditions but I stopped taking my teenagers. Do not be persuaded by anyone else do what's right for you.

Its healthy for DC to hear all sides even if that's praising a man you don't like.

So I've put you are bu for that !

However in terms of the drinking she may genuinely not realise how awful it is.

I think when the time is calm and non accusatory then tell her what you have said here how everyone sits In dread etc. but obviously don't mention her views because we are allowed those !
Having DC in an echo chamber is not good.

She sounds like she has a drink problem. I would decline future invites and tell her why when she's sober .

It’s a £70/80 pizza meal. She hasn’t paid to berate you in public and be a complete gobshite. You accepted the offer on a normal basis that it would be pleasant. She ultimately repelled you with her behaviour, how is it your fault? I would agree with others that you shouldn’t accept the offer in future tho.

Do you think everyone who has a different political viewpoint than you is suffering from dementia? Do you think your DC should be sheltered from different viewpoints than your own? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, your DM expressing different views may be a good thing because it gives your Dc a chance to see that not everyone thinks the same way about what might be controversial issues?

That’s not an ‘extreme right wing view’! It makes complete sense - if the title of a subject it English Literature, one could argue that one will be reading literature written by English writers. I’m confused as to why you’d ascribe this opinion as ‘right wing’.

Because it’s a blatant misunderstanding. English Literature means literature written in the English language. It doesn’t mean literature written by English people. Studying English lit means studying texts written in English in the UK, America, Nigeria, Australia, India, Jamaica and anywhere across the globe. The academic subject comes under the umbrella of cultural studies with good reason.

Actually DC1 was very game for a debate and I agree with you that teens (or anyone) shouldnt be in an echo chamber. Religion and politics were both subjects selected by inebriated DM for topics of discussion over the pizza. The problem was that there wasn’t much discussion. I believe that she was spoiling for a fight rather rather than wanting to engage in discussion.

There are three things that should not be discussed over a relaxing dinner in public, espcecially with drunks.

Money, politics and religion.

Oh grow up. How would you ever have coped in the 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s or the first half of the 2010s

At least she can make interesting conversation and likes a drink, probably thinks you are boring and square

ElatedPinkSeal · Today 08:52
"Oh grow up. How would you ever have coped in the 70s, 80s, 90s or 2000s"

Odfod 🙄

My DM’s politics have become more right wing over the last few years. She received her diagnosis of dementia last year.

Sounds like I should send you to have lunch with her next time. Free pizza and wine! I am definitely the ‘square’ one.

I’d rather have lunch with her than with you

I was just going to say this. I'm 5ft7 and weigh around 11 stone. At my absolute skinniest I weighed just over 9 stone. 7 stone is seriously underweight at this height.

In terms of meals, socialising etc, I wouldn't say cut her off completely for having a couple of wines and some strange political views (people are very quick to say go NC these days but in reality you don't just cut off immediate family for having a different opinion to you!) but maybe arrange to go out for breakfast / brunch instead?

In all honesty I would just sit down with her and have an honest conversation. Even if she dismisses / disagrees with you, at least you have said your piece and next time she tries it then you can say "this is exactly what I was referring to" and walk out.

Thank you for this reply. It’s incredibly helpful. Interestingly I have recently moved to a model of visiting/going out with the DPs without my own family (either DH or the teen DC) as a way of minimising the impact. This lunch was an exception - and not one to be repeated.

She's not an alcoholic FFS.

She weighs 7 stone at 5ft7". She will absolutely be pissed off 2 large glasses of wine. It doesn't make her an alcoholic. I would be worried about her health though.

And don't subject your children to seeing their grandmother drunk. How incredibly awkward for them.

It’s the arguing with people in the loos and pushing a child that would worry me the most. She could hurt a child badly or get into a row with someone prepared to fight back verbally and physically. It could get so nasty.

Thank you for this advice. To be fair I haven’t actually weighed my DM and she could well be 8 stone instead of 7. She looks and is drastically underweight - that much I am sure of.
Seeing her without the alcohol is sound advice from a number of posters and I also want to shift the dynamic by stopping her and DF paying. Because she does seem to think that paying the bill gives her the right to act out in whatever way she pleases. They will just have to enjoy the kind of occasions that DH and I can afford. I tried to get them into picnics at lovely locations when the DC were little and these were sniffed at (shame as our picnics are fantastic and often much nicer than chain restaurant food).
The disparity in lifestyles is a thing - we are not low income but taking the GPs out for boozy lunches nobody enjoys would mean cutting back on other things such as the teens’ hobbies.

It all sounds horribly awkward for you all and quite upsetting . There’s no easy answer but limiting your children’s exposure to them is probably your best bet.