AIBU to think that this is just bad behaviour for an adult at a family meal - even if they are paying?

[likeafishneedsabike]

I am torn between thinking this is just ‘same old’ behaviour from DM on one hand and being quite disappointed on the other hand.
The occasion is a pizza lunch out as a late Easter treat paid for by DF and DM, who are in their 70s. Myself, DH and two teenagers present for this meal. It is of course very kind and generous of them to pay - when it is our ‘turn’ we tend to do the catering at home since we have a modest income.
DM enjoys wine with a meal and fair enough. Nobody else is drinking - two underage, two drivers and one who doesn’t want to. All fine.
The problem is that two large glasses of wine makes her quite quickly drunk to the point of slurring words and trying to start arguments. And this is EVERY TIME. Usually there is knocking over of glasses of water etc so that somebody or other gets a lap full and has to stand drying their kegs in the restaurant toilet. Not today thank goodness. The starting of arguments often extends to strangers (mouthing off at randoms in the loo and pushing a child out of the way). Again, not today thank goodness - I haven’t been back to that pizza express in a hurry.
Thankfully today she only tried to have an argument with me about the terrible wokery of the education system.
DM left school at 16 and has never worked in education. DH and I have worked in education for 25 years and both DC are in secondary school. Our opinions were not sought and Michael Gove was declared a hero.
One question was directed at the DC to ask if the younger still wanted to be a vet. DC2 has never declared an interest in veterinary science or anything like it. No further questions - they are expected to listen in silence to anti woke diatribe plagiarised from the The Daily Mail (I assume). DC1 is quite an articulate teen who did try to pass a few comments in the name of making conversation, but she’s not interested. She’s pissed and wants to hear her own voice.
By pudding she was onto Trump. ‘Now I’m not saying I like him, and I might like him less if I met him’. This is a promising start. ‘But I have to say that he knows exactly how to speak to them in their own language. They weren’t expecting him to stand up to them like this’.
It wasn’t clear who ‘them’ could be. But I just cannot see that praising Trump’s skills of communication in any context is appropriate lunch time conversation. When we think of the state of the world and the suffering of so many people as a result of US warmongering, I can’t sit there and nod along or try to argue with DM after two large wines.
So was I unreasonable to make an exit from a meal that was being paid for by DPs because of DM’s behaviour at the table? Or does paying the bill give someone the right to start drunken arguments on purpose, rant about wokery and praise Trump’s leadership?

She sounds like one of those people who doesn't have a receive button, only transmit, so while I am sure your DC could have easily dismantled her ridiculous arguments, you never can with people like that because there is no discussion, they simply bulldoze you.

Also, and I hate to say this on MN, but the fact that she - and you (she's trained you) - seem to think she has the right to behave this way because she is paying, suggest narcissistic tendencies. I am not saying she is a narcissist (which is pretty rare) but she may have some traits of that condition. Money = power to people with those traits. Her 'generosity' is nothing more than an opportunity to embarrass, bore and dominate you.

There are lots of us with toxic, dysfunctional families, OP. It's not a club anyone wants to be a member of. You'll find support here but just to say, people who don't have experience won't understand at all. Just to tell you that because people's reactions can make you think you are making a fuss and should let it go, simply because they don't understand, when you are very much not and can't, or can't now at least.

Last thing, I agree with pp, your dad let you down too.

In what way does this make it worse?

I’m not entirely sure what this adds to the discussion, given that both of us are strangers to you. In light of the fact that I’m upset, I assume this is just kicking me when I’m down.

My “D”M is very difficult too Likea. I’m not NC but I do visit her on her home only usually. That way when she starts with her batshit, which has always been her forte and not dementia related, I can make excuses and leave. She’s not interested in her DGC and they never want to see her.

If she gets drunk every time you see her, stop seeing her. Your kids shouldn't be exposed to that.

As a thought, if she's been drinking alcohol for some years, the alcohol could be impairing her cognition, or she could even have alcohol related dementia.

Ignore ElatedPinkSeal op, obviously she/he is behaving like a raving turd and best just flushed down the lavatory 💩

Reading your post I did feel if MIL gets so drunk as to slur her words after two glasses of wine someone needs to say so to her. Does she realise this happens? She might even thank someone for saying so.
As to topics of conversation, many around a dinner table will have views that others dislike. The thing is how to manage that without ‘reacting’. It is possible to do. Keep it light.
As is steering the conversation to less contentious topics ! And sometimes even saying that is what you are doing helps.

Sounds like a great plan. Your DC are missing nothing!

Yes I think you have it in nutshell about her getting stuck on ‘transmit’ and the ‘receive’ button not working.
I understand people’s advice to steer the conversation but honestly, any comments regarding light topics or what the DGC are up to are received with a glassy eyed stare. There are no comments back in relation to topic raised by me, DH or the DC. There is a pause in conversation and then she will launch into a prepared topic of her choice. She will only respond to one of us if we are replying regarding a topic raised by her.

So yes, the narcissistic traits are there and I really appreciate your input @redboxer321.
I am going to bow out of the thread for today because the comments about me being a lunch bore compared to my drunken mother are a bit hard to take. Likewise the posters saying that I am trying to raise my teens in an echo chamber. Hardly.
I need to think about all of the really helpful advice and will be back tomorrow.

Your mother shouldn’t drink. It doesn’t agree with her.

I wouldn't have gone in the first place

Ignore the crappy posters @likeafishneedsabike, every thread seems to have them. They don't add anything useful and just seem to want to create discord. They're like wasps; ignore them and hope they'll go away and bother someone else. Don't take it personally, it's definitely them not you!

Tbh I feel your mum's lack of interest in her GC and tendency to monologue about her chosen subjects is annoying enough without all the added stress of the alcohol behaviour, so I'd be dialling right back on the meet ups on that basis alone. Whose benefit are the meet ups for? Your kids don't enjoy it, your DH doesn't enjoy it, you don't enjoy it - presumably it's just your DP who want to do it? Not that they seem to be getting anything out of the relationships either?

Have you spoken to your dad on his own about your mother, or would he refuse to discuss it? If he wasn't amenable to chatting about her issues - he might have concerns about her health, he might not - then you won't make any headway there. I'd be at the point of giving up though, as there's very little decent relationship to salvage. (I wouldn't even bother going to alcohol-free places, as that won't make your parents interested in your dc, will it?)

The price of this free pizza is too high. Its not even fantastic artisan handmade pizza either FFS its Pizza Express, I wouldnt even go to Italy all expenses paid with this selfish bigot and bore.

Does free food mean that much you subject your children to this twice a year?

Right wing narcissistic drunks are not normally scintillating company but you obviously move in those circles so you would feel at home.

OP is a decent human being so finds these lunch dates boring and upsetting and a bad example for her children.

The pizza was pretty underwhelming I have to say! Heavy handed on the garlic oil.

Thank you for expressing my thoughts so well.

Thank you for this very supportive reply. Actually my dad will talk at length about my mum’s behaviour and how difficult she is. To be honest, it’s a bit like us kids had to put up her with her ridiculous antics in the 80s and 90s while he was elsewhere …….and now it’s his turn! He still works on a freelance basis and although it’s financially lucrative I think it’s more a case of getting out.

Really appreciate all of the brilliant replies (let’s forget the trolls).
Time is now called on eating out with the GPs - and as many of you have pointed out that’s a long overdue decision. I will be speaking to my dad to tell him that family meals at restaurants are over.
I won’t be dragging my own family to alcohol free locations to see my mother because (again wisely pointed out by PP) she has no interest in them at all. And of course they have no interest in her as a result. So it’s not really worth the effort.
Very Occasional contact with the DC will be either in our home (where my mother behaves herself as a guest fortunately) or in their home for a takeaway paid for by me or a meal I have brought with me. Something like a homemade lasagne travels well, doesn’t it? My parents do find this rather boring but that’s okay.
If she gets lairy and argumentative in her own house off her wine box (probable) then at least the kids can wander off to a different room rather than sit trapped in pizza place. And I can remember than I need to salvage something from the loft.
Any ‘outing’ will be just me with my parents for something like a cream tea, again suggested by and paid for me to avoid the empowering element of paying and then throwing weight around.
Finally, I do recognise that I am in a fear and obligation trap )someone described me as a boiling frog!) and that ignoring childhood issues is probably not healthy in the long run. As I say I have my shit together as an adult - but every time my mum misbehaves like this I find myself so very rattled and anxious. I am going to seek some therapy but have to find an affordable route to pursue.
Thanks for all of your insights and recommendations. If the trolls would just fuck off to wherever the fuck they came from, mumsnet would be a heavenly hive of wise female minds.

Yea the boiled frog was from me.
Its when slowly over time the behaviour gets worse.

The boiled frog wouldn't jump into the boiled water, but over time the water heated up and it accepted it.

You have been reared in an abusive house.
Your children have seen that behaviour normalised too.

Far better that you explain how awful the behaviour is so they know this.

My children would be appalled and stunned by such behaviour because they have never witnessed it.

Adults accept abuse because they were reared among it.

Call it out to your children so they know clearly it is not normal.
You owe them that, which is the truth of your rearing.

The truth will be powerful for them to hear.

My mum loves to pick a fight after a glass or two. Sometimes she doesn't need the drink! It's just infuriating. I think it's a symptom of a under utilised mind and frustration at my dad. She pays not attention to our kids. None. They are expected to just sit there or get given a tablet. The right wing views I think come from a fear of the world that's different from what they knew. My mum who is a feminist and very liberal has even started saying rediculous things about the media and how many adverts have non white people in them! I'm like 'who is this woman?'

One way to deal with it is to just do occasions she is more likely to behave at or sit her between the kids so she has to talk to them. We also try to invite other family members as she will behave with them.

All that said, I don't think it's worth challenging it though. Better to manage it. Maybe next time you could do a delivery pizza at yours.

This is so accurate that you should publish a book on difficult grandmothers.
The bit about fear of a changing world is so spot on. The irony is that my mother has two incredible grandchildren who would be more than happy to explain and dissect the modern world to her in ways that she would understand. The older teen in particular is super switched on. Sadly she prefers to just regale everyone with regurgitated Daily Mail nonsense and ignore him totally.
As you say, management is the key instead of challenge. Otherwise she will just further entrench her position.

I find it rattles me too. My mum has always been a bit tricky in any case. But old age has certainly heightened certain aspects. She also likes to take the huff of she's challenged. She will literally go and sulk in a corner like a child. I think it takes me back to when we were young. I don't think she really engaged with us , never mind the grandkids. Her career was her love. And I think she misses that greatly.

For me there are a lot of lessons here. You need to spend as much time as possible developing your interests ands social network for being old. Play bridge , bowls, whatever. Even if you don't like it. Do it. Keep busy. Stay part of the world so you don't end up venting at family dinners. But also if we sort of meet to accept them as they are. My parents were never the type to volunteer childcare or have family holidays with.