AIBU to think that this is just bad behaviour for an adult at a family meal - even if they are paying?

[likeafishneedsabike]

I am torn between thinking this is just ‘same old’ behaviour from DM on one hand and being quite disappointed on the other hand.
The occasion is a pizza lunch out as a late Easter treat paid for by DF and DM, who are in their 70s. Myself, DH and two teenagers present for this meal. It is of course very kind and generous of them to pay - when it is our ‘turn’ we tend to do the catering at home since we have a modest income.
DM enjoys wine with a meal and fair enough. Nobody else is drinking - two underage, two drivers and one who doesn’t want to. All fine.
The problem is that two large glasses of wine makes her quite quickly drunk to the point of slurring words and trying to start arguments. And this is EVERY TIME. Usually there is knocking over of glasses of water etc so that somebody or other gets a lap full and has to stand drying their kegs in the restaurant toilet. Not today thank goodness. The starting of arguments often extends to strangers (mouthing off at randoms in the loo and pushing a child out of the way). Again, not today thank goodness - I haven’t been back to that pizza express in a hurry.
Thankfully today she only tried to have an argument with me about the terrible wokery of the education system.
DM left school at 16 and has never worked in education. DH and I have worked in education for 25 years and both DC are in secondary school. Our opinions were not sought and Michael Gove was declared a hero.
One question was directed at the DC to ask if the younger still wanted to be a vet. DC2 has never declared an interest in veterinary science or anything like it. No further questions - they are expected to listen in silence to anti woke diatribe plagiarised from the The Daily Mail (I assume). DC1 is quite an articulate teen who did try to pass a few comments in the name of making conversation, but she’s not interested. She’s pissed and wants to hear her own voice.
By pudding she was onto Trump. ‘Now I’m not saying I like him, and I might like him less if I met him’. This is a promising start. ‘But I have to say that he knows exactly how to speak to them in their own language. They weren’t expecting him to stand up to them like this’.
It wasn’t clear who ‘them’ could be. But I just cannot see that praising Trump’s skills of communication in any context is appropriate lunch time conversation. When we think of the state of the world and the suffering of so many people as a result of US warmongering, I can’t sit there and nod along or try to argue with DM after two large wines.
So was I unreasonable to make an exit from a meal that was being paid for by DPs because of DM’s behaviour at the table? Or does paying the bill give someone the right to start drunken arguments on purpose, rant about wokery and praise Trump’s leadership?

She's an alcoholic.keep you children away from this... how embarrassing to tolerate this . Cut her off .
Seeek some therapy. Al anon are v good, .
My exh is an alcoholic I protected my ds from him, now I never tolerate people who drink, and get drunk, ever.

Well yes, he did certainly see her bullying at Xmas and on summer holiday. But then I suppose he went back to work/lifestyle and didn’t think of it. I do remember however that he intervened the one time she got physical. I got a big slap across the face when I was maybe 10 ( I was smacked a lot on the bum but this seemed very different). He stopped her then.

The irony is that my mother goes to Al Anon weekly due to another family member being a recovering (maybe not so recovering) alcoholic.

For god sake OP grow a backbone and stop going. If she asks why tell her straight, because she's a fucking nightmare who starts arguments with strangers and none of you enjoy it.

You can spend time with DF separately

Well she is a bully for sure. The expression of extreme right wing views (eg we should only be teaching literature by writers born in the UK in school because the name of the subject is English Literature) has only happened for around 5 years. Which leads me to think she is unwell - perhaps dementia exacerbated by alcohol as suggested by a PP. The weight loss also points to a health problem.

After the time she pushed a child I'd have told her I wasn't going out with her again if she intended to drink.

If you meet up 6 times a year try to think of different places.

Only consider places that don’t sell alcohol so a cream tea in a cafe or a coffee and cake in a garden centre or meet up at a national trust place, go to the cinema with popcorn, that sort of thing instead. Research in advance if the place is definitely alcohol free.

If they think eating at yours is boring then consider hosting them but get a lunchtime takeaway so fish and chips etc so once again there’s no alcohol involved.

then the other couple of occasions per year just do a buffet at your home. Your kids shouldn’t miss out on a decent grandfather because of her.

btw sorry and try the stately homes thread, many of us have toxic families.

Yeah this is the bottom line. I agree that I have been weak. She really does seem to think that if they are paying the bill, she can behave however she likes. There are other instances of being very rude to staff that I haven’t mentioned to avoid the initial post being too long.

This is a really lovely post. Thank you so much. This is realistically the way forward - take alcohol out of the equation
. I do understand the sentiment of posters saying never see her again but realistically she is in her late 70s. If I’d wanted to cut her off on the basis of her utterly insane behaviour in the 80s and early 90s then I would have done it long ago.
I will try the stately homes thread when I’m brave enough. My DH had a truly neglectful upbringing whilst I was very much provided for materially - so I never want to say much to him for fear of being tone deaf and insensitive.

While it's probably not illegal for her to state her political views, she pushed a child once? I would not go out with someone who gets so drunk they push a kid, meal payment is irrelevant.
There are some people who get terribly drunk, in terms of behaviour, after 2 drinks-I'm told post menopausal women often seem drunk quicker? Whatever it is, if you're drunk enough to push a child, you are too drunk. And that needs sorting-yes she is an adult, but whether it's a young man hitting someone after he's a had a bottle of spirits, or a mid-life woman pushing kids, people can't use alcohol as an excuse, and shouldn't drink what they can't handle.

Yes OP on re-reading you may be right. If the extreme politics and weight loss are recent they would seem to be worrying symptoms of possible illness. However, that wouldn’t mean that you should subject yourself and DC to bullying behaviour. It’s not fair on any of you. Your DC will remember how you handle this and your relationship will be so much better if you protect them from this.

Yes - they don’t need to see her pissed again. That’s for sure. I accept I have been negligent by allowing these infrequent but diabolical restaurant scenarios.
They have a GM with not a jot of interest in them though - and that doesn’t change whether sober or drunk. It doesn’t upset them really …..but then they meet other people’s GMs and ask me ‘why is she being so nice to me? She’s so nice, isn’t she?’ And that does make me really sad. My best friend’s mum (whom we see about once a year on holiday) knows their interests and asks them good questions to make a conversation. I had to explain that she has known me since I was a teenager myself so takes a special interest them. They are a bit shocked not to be ignored by a woman in her 70s.

YANBU unless you ran from the restaurant and abandoned your family to their fate.

Religion, politics, and money are not topics of conversation for the table.

OP, you are so deeply a boiled frog snd deep in FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.

If you weren't you wouldn't allow your children near her.

She abused you and now your children.
They shouldn't be exposed to this.
She offers nothing but toxicity and your weak father is no better.

Better no grandparents than this every single time in my view.

My in laws are like this -without the alcohol. Wish we can just leave them behind and go "no contact' but I don't think I can do it because it should be my husband's decision to do it - not mine since it is his parents. He wants to keep the peace and have low contact instead.

But you are their daughter, you can talk to them when they are sober and tell them those drunken launches are not good for you or your kid and you are worried about her health and the impression they live on your kids.

Hope you survive this toxic situation.

Your mum seems to share a lot of traits with her idol Donald Trump. She sounds like a malignant narcissist too. You have mentioned that your siblings had even worse treatment from your mum than you did. Do they still see her?

I'm not sure why you feel you can't cut her off now. You have surely fulfilled your duty over the years and she hasn't mellowed in old age and in fact has become even worse.

Her awful attitude and lack of any love or even vague interest in your teenage children would completely kill off any residual sense of duty or affection for her. The fact that your kids were amazed and taken aback by your best friend's mum, another elderly woman, being kind and interested in them should be a wake-up call to protect them from ever being in her company again. There is absolutely nothing positive in your relationship with her, only overwhelming and damaging negatives.

That is dangerously underweight. Has she seen the doctor about it? At that age, that lack of physical resources could lead one bad Illness like the flu to be her last.

I'm sorry, OP, this sounds awful. You'd be absolutely reasonable not to do this again.

With the weight loss and the seemingly reduced tolerance, I'd be concerned she's drinking more than you know about. I wondered whether it wasn't her first drink of the day at lunchtime. Would your DF be honest about this with you?

I like the idea above of moving the meet ups to alcohol free locations.

we did this with my parents.

meet up at national trust place, or go to the beach, or picnic in the park.

a lot of national trust places do have alcohol though, so you’d need to check them out in advance.

with my mum it’s a mix of drinking and dementia. She’s visibly declined over the last year and is seriously underweight.

Well yes, he did certainly see her bullying at Xmas and on summer holiday. But then I suppose he went back to work/lifestyle and didn’t think of it.

appalling. Both of them. Show your teens that you won’t subject yourself and certainly not them to two abusive people

can you not steer the conversation?
tell her no politics mum

I’m not defending your DM behaviour but I do think it’s time you had a conversation with your parents…….I would be worried about DM declining mental state for a start and surely your dad has concerns or does he just sit it out and feel no embarrassment at all?

DM might be drinking regularly at home and the alcohol she has with these family meals just add t9 her intake. Have the conversation with your parents OP.

I would be thinking along the similar lines of @MyDeftDuck, is there a possibility she’s drinking pre meal at home and the 2 glasses of wine is adding to that.

The issue is - the woman has been appalling throughout the OP’s entire life. The OP endured a horrible childhood at the hands of her mother.