AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

You’re far too invested in this and it isn’t the hill to die on either. It’s simple, toddler in the house, plenty of adults, keep eye on toddler and keep the gate locked. Justifying an unlocked gate on to a main road with a toddler running around is disturbing.

The toddler has access to the garden and was using it to play … the gate was left unlocked open … it’s simple open and close again. I have a loving family and a good support network, try not to resent people for that.

And then you close it because you know there’s kids about. Gosh so glad I don’t have people like this around me and the children.

So you’d leave the gate unlocked. Please never have children in your home.

You don't rely on a gate, you parent your child. 2 year olds can open all sorts.

And climb all sorts too.

The vast majority of posters disagree with your views on this & rightly so

Ah I think it’s two different things. At a family party -by the sounds of it MIL was in the kitchen tidying up and FIL was helping people leave. They would not be expecting to look after toddler as you were there (and by you I mean your partner- he could have said to SIL can you just watch xx whilst I grab the change mat - but as PP have said in a crowd you think it’s ok.)

But on their own when looking after toddler I would imagine they were on it all the time.

Postpartum is a hormone filled place. Take it easy and remember it’s all ok. She’s ok. You’re ok. It’s all ok.

I was on holiday once waking down a narrow busy road and a toddler ran full pelt towards me. In shock I sort of swooshed at him making strange sounds like you would shooing a goose back up the drive into the arms of a demented family member who shooed him angrily back up the drive. At the top she turned and gave me a sort of salute, as did I…and then I promptly burst into tears.

These things happen.

My lovely mother in law once gave my toddler a pill box to play with because he liked the rattling noise. They were sitting in the back seat of the car while I was driving and I didn’t know until I found the pills when putting him in the car seat again later. They were very strong painkillers, very dangerous for a child. I said nothing to her but she never babysat any of my kids again and I always supervised when they were around her. I had already stopped letting DH take them to her house without me because of their (his included) relaxed attitude to the pool gate which she would prop open all the time. Your in laws made a mistake. Your mil said something regrettable in the shock, but they seem upset and have apologised. I’d let things settle and then move forward but with different expectations. Your DH will have to understand he’s on DD duty at all times (and maybe needs custody of the key?) at their house, since you have a baby to look after. Otherwise you won’t visit any more.

I've not read any updates but I don't think he's threatening anything, he's merely said that he will be taking his children to visit his parents.

A few things have gone wrong here:

1 - Too many adults - everyone presuming someone else is watching the child - no one actually watching them. This is exactly how so many accidents happen. Thank god it wasn't worse.

2 - Presuming that non-parents are tuned in to the (very fast) movements of children. Unless you have one that age, it wouldn't be in many adults' heads to manage the health and safety requirements. It's in your muscle memory as you are living it right now.

3 - No handover agreement between your husband and another adult - 'can you watch for a moment I need to find the mat'

4 - Also I maybe. misunderstood - but are you saying you let the 2YO do loops in and out of the garden/house without an adult following along (meaning she is out of eyesight at point) - if so this seems risky.

Completely understand that you are not capable of chasing a wee one around atm OP, but not sure you can blame grandparents for this atm. Seems a failure in the parents having a nominated person watching the child?

DP = total dick for letting MIL blame you though, and MIL unreasonable for blaming only you and leaving him out of it. I guess it could have been knee-jerk though as everyone full of adrenaline (not that that makes it OK).

This 100%

Presumably everyone thought someone else was watching the children. You have all had a terrible scare. I think it is unfair to single one person out for blame. I am guessing that everyone involved will now be a lot more vigilant.

YABVU to suggest cutting contact for this; however, I suppose if you have so recently given birth then you are probably more emotional than usual. I know I still was at that time.

No. The OP stated the gate was closed and locked all day long with a padlock while the toddler was doing circuits around the house and in and out of the garden. She did the basic safeguarding you are incorrectly saying could have prevented this.

The toddler & pram had been brought inside and was zooming around the house (indoors) when people started to get ready to pack their cars to leave and the gate was then opened. She didn’t have access to the garden at the moment the gate was opened.

Then the house door was opened so SIL could pack her car and leave too. In that tiny minute when no one was watching, the toddler dashed from the living room where OP was nursing, out the front door, and then carried on out the gate. SIL saw, ran after and rescued her. DH was getting a changing pad for OP so wasn’t there. MIL was in the kitchen starting the dishes. FIL ? Not sure where he was but he has admitted to have opened the gate and he usually has the key to the padlock. OP followed after SIL, albeit slower because she is in recovery from a c section and had the newborn latched on.

It is one of those things that can happen when parents assume it’s a break time because initial checks were done and then they assume everyone else is watching their child.

You are recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn. Your toddler is in a space that is not child-proofed. It was your husband’s job to shadow her and he failed.

he has no business taking the children over there again or anywhere until he shows he can handle his responsibilities. He needs to acknowledge his role in this situation. It was an accident, but he was the fail safe.

Im NC with my in-laws buts thats because they risked my child's safety whilst he was solely in their care and were deceitful about it, they have never been left alone with my child since either but DH handled it and was as fuming as I was. He sees them but respects my boundaries that I wont (is alot more to it also) but I will not stop him seeing them, taking our child over there supervised by him and they can come here, I just make myself busy on the rare occasion they do.

You have a DH problem firstly and she is never going to apologise to you.

When you learn a little bit about someone’s life it’s easier to understand why they’re seeing things through a different lens than you. I can see why you may be inclined towards a bit more grace and fairness for the op’s in laws.
I have a profoundly autistic child, there will never be an age where we can relax the level of supervision needed and if we didn’t have family support there would be no respite. There are also people who we only really see on our terms as it’s too difficult with safety etc, that’s where I’m coming from with the compromise of meeting out.
I think we sometimes forget on here that different perspectives come from different lived experiences. Sounds like you’re living your best life ❤️

It seems to me MIL reacted to OP shouting about who had left the gate open and immediately trying to lay blame with them. Also FIL has health issues so I imagine she was sticking up for him. Everyone was full of adrenaline but I think most people would be on the defensive in a situation like that. MIL apologised.
Maybe her husband didn't agree with his wife blaming his parents so said nothing and doesn't feel banning contact with their grandkids is proportional. Good for him.

Mil was in the wrong for what she said to you but your reaction was a bit mad. Your DH should have been watching her. You were with baby so HE should have been watching and be the one to get angry about the gate/ door. Everyone should have been careful with the door.

Too late. I’ve had plenty of children and their responsible parents in my home.

Sorry to disappoint you.

For everyone saying that PIL bear no responsibility in this, actually trust is very important in a relationship. If they want no responsibility and can’t be trusted the consequences are that visits are short and formal. The relationship with their grandchildren won’t be as close. It’s perfectly reasonable for example for op to need to change the baby, ops husband needs a wee. PIL should be capable of looking after two year old for 5 mins without leaving a gate open.

That said, if the garden cannot be kept secure then I’d stop taking DD to play for the garden and do something like family trips to parks and nature reserves instead.

As everyone has said, you have a DH problem because he should have been the primary person watching your child while you a feeding/holding a newborn. And second because he couldn’t stand up for you or recognise the danger your DD was put in.

What your MIL said was pretty s*it tbf so I’d be expecting an apology on that front before moving on.

All this 'its on you' 'shes your child' nonsense. Whatever happened to it takes a village? In laws and family can't just involve themselves in our childrens lives on their terms and with their conditions. How ridiculous. We are all responsible for the safety of others when in their company in my opinion.

I think you all have a part to play but some compassion for the newly c sectioned mother would be nice - the person who should have been able to take her eye off the ball for a bit to tend to the newborn reassured that the village around her was supportive

I thought I was going mad - very few posters seem to have picked up on the fact FIL is having regular “funny turns”, not discussing it with his doctors and driving!

It's fine to take your eye off the ball if you've told someone that's what you're doing and a 'villager' had agreed to step up. Until then, the parents are the ones solely responsible.

@If123 I’m afraid it’s yours and DHs fault. The door was being opened and closed to pack things. Knowing this, one or both of you should have been keeping an eye on your DD and definitely have checked the gate was closed should she get out.

You are passing the buck and assuming others have everything sorted for your DCs safety.

No harm came this time, but you and DH should learn from this. Your DC, your responsibility when there.

You should treat going out to any place with your children like you are going to a park with a lake.
Everyone was in shock.

It was no one's fault except your wee DD, and she was too young to know better.
Your whole family love each other, especially the children and so were all extremely upset.

Do not cut contact.
Do use the near miss as a chance to revise with your DH about always nominating a person to be in charge of each child at all times. Your husband should have been looking after DD but did you tell him clearly that you were just off with newborn and that DD was his full responsibility? Often at large family events the kids are assumed to be safe and watched but people get chatting etc.

Also make it physically much more difficult for that to happen again. Buy and install a coded child safety lock on your PIL front gate. Instruct your children to stay in the yard and stay away from roads and cars.
Talk about the dangerous cars to your DD.
Remind her that she was nearly run over.