AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

Who was the adult in charge at the time?

In situations with multiple adults and one or more children it needs to be very clear who is 'on' i.e. directly responsible for the child at any given time.

This is either explicit (e.g. when a parent nips to the bathroom at soft play and asks their friend to keep an eye on their child), or implicit - which may be the case in your example if it was say unusual for you to be there at the same time as your child (making you a guest, and the GPs the babysitters).

If not, I think its just one of those examples where not taking sufficient care has resulted in a near-miss while all the adults present were focusing on something other than the child (and your anger is not being fairly distributed).

On the other hand, if leaving the gate open was very clearly an anomaly (and thus nobody was monitoring it as a risk), and your FIL leaving it open was a clear mistake on his part, then I think YANBU.

Those scares are rough though, and it would surprise me if anyone behaved reasonably in the moment (one can reflect afterwards though, and it seems your MIL is doing a bit of this).

It would have been a scare for everyone, OP. I think it is a near miss and it is good everyone was quick acting. It’s a reminder to keep eyes on a small child especially.

I was maybe 4 or 5 and playing with neighbourhood kids and we were stupidly playing near a dangerous road throwing bottle caps on the ground but when it went too far retrieving them. No supervisors but soon my mum marched over and dragged me home. Another near miss and there is no point to get caught up in blame games (should the kids have known better they were older by 2 years, or their parents as it was outside their house, or mine because they didn’t have eyes on me, or my siblings - where were they, or my fault for being silly - should I have known better?).

You could go in circles with the blame game. No one was hurt and you can learn from it.

I agree that your DH could have lifted a little more though. Where was he in all this and he should especially have been watching since you had the baby and recovering from the c section.

Who was watching your daughter?

I would be upset and angry that FIL told you to calm down.

I don't think your husband should be taking the children on his own to his parents , because he will be ' looking after 2 ' children by himself.

He should have stood up for you.

I am used to ridiculous relatives who leave our gate open, front and back door wide open , we are also on a main road.

Our dog got out onto the road , because I assumed my Dad , who was getting something from the car , had shut the front door and driveway gates , he hadn't and it's something we would always be told to do growing up.

He didn't seem bothered and I was more cross with him because he dismissed my concerns , and thought I was making a fuss.
But he is my dog and so I realised I should never assume.

I would have a break from seeing them for a couple of weeks and that will get the message across.

When we had 3 under 3, we had coloured wristbands for each child in situations when we weren’t home. Whoever was responsible for looking after that child had their coloured wristband. If they needed to hand responsibility over to someone else / even if just going to the loo - they handed over the wristband. It may sound OTT but you quickly get used to it, and it ensures clarity over who actually is looking out for very young children. I would suggest you take a deep breath, accept that today was a lucky escape and everyone failed in their duty to keep your child safe, including you, and that the best way forward is to learn from it and implement a system to stop it happening again. Plenty of families aren’t lucky enough to get a second chance.

So can HV's stop boy racers from racing? Or elderly men with cognitive degeneration putting their grandchildren at risk?

Or are you suggesting that the OP should "sshhh.....calm down dear, its just the hormones"? Because thats what it sound like.

I don't think your husband should be taking the children on his own to his parents , because he will be ' looking after 2 ' children by himself.

Which presumably the OP will manage just fine by herself when she is on ML and he is back at work. God forbid that a man be expected to parent his children safely and effectively alone.

It’s definitely a thing that when everyone is watching a child nobody is and ye were all very lucky. Saying that it won’t happen again now, your mil apologised, everyone got a shock … cutting contact seems unnecessary

Yabu. C section or not (I've had 3 ) you and DH cannot take your eyes off your 2 year old . It was a horrible accident waiting to happen , DH should have been watching her if you couldn't. Would you feel the same if it was your parents and react like that .

50mph winds could blow a gate open. He may have thought it was on the latch but it wasn’t. This doesn’t give much context. I’m assuming they must be a lip or doorstep for the two year old to get over with the pram not a case of just running from a room to another room. Could you see the door from where you was sat? Was everyone but your daughter in the room with you when she got out? If so, it’s not just one persons fault, it’s everyone’s.

You need to tell your dh you’re going to take a few weeks, and then talk about this properly. Tell him he can tell his parents that and when he does make sure he tells his mum that you were holding the baby and so if his mum wants to have a go at one of the toddlers parents it should have been you, and if she ever singles you out like that again like you’re the only parent your two children have then you will never ever speak to her again, and he needs to take responsibility as the parent who wasn’t caring for the newborn.

then let it settle, let your heart calm down. Mistakes happen, don’t end families over them. The worst did not happen and now you know enough to prevent the worst from happening. You know never to leave your dc there without you. You need your dh to agree with that. You need to find out if you can trust your dh , as he failed you here both in the checking and in the reactions afterward but after you’ve said your piece wait a couple of weeks for it to sink in with him.

After a similar incident, I taught my kids never to go out of or into a door or gate without me. And to shreak like crazy if anyone tried to make them or take them. Your DD is old enough to begin to understand this rule.

Sorry this happened OP. What a truly frightening experience.

I would say just take it as a learning experience not to assume anyone is responsible for looking after your child except you and your DH if you are there.

I've done this myself thinking 'oh I'll get a break' when I take my child round to my mum's house, only to panic and be met with defensiveness when the iron is left out or the door open. I don't stop contact which would be bad for my child whose grandma loves him, but I know my mum is easily forgetful and not used to the constant vigilance looking after a toddler requires. It is on me to keep an eye my own kid and no one else.

You need a version of the "pool hat", if you two are a bit overwhelmed when visiting. Basically get a hat ( yes a real one) and tell an adult that they are on 2yo supervision duty as you need to change the baby/ have a shower etc.They know they have responsibility. It's a thing in Australia around pools at parties. The amount of time I've spent counting heads in our pool! I couldn't go anywhere until another adult relieved me. Pass the hat on to MIL etc

So how do cars leave if the gate must be permanently closed? 🤔 this is actually the set up at my in laws house. When we are getting ready to leave, somebody will go open the front gate while myself and my OH take care of our 2 kids and gather our bits. It's not rocket science.

I think it is their reaction for me that does it. And your useless husband.

Some accountability and an apology would have sufficed. Your mil blaming you when her son is right there!!!!!

Like you said, they clearly cannot have alone time anymore as they are not capable of watching and caring properly.

Also is there a way to report your fil for driving or to tell someone about the illness?

You need to have words with your husband as well about growing a backbone.

I don't think FIL was being unreasonable to open the gate when people are leaving. Assume he had to in order to let the cars out. It sounds like one of those instances where somehow, a child slipped through all the safety nets and adults watching. It happens. Thank God she's OK. I think you are over-reacting through shock and being post-surgery. I don't blame you at all for being extremely upset right now. You've had a terrible shock. But if you cut the in-laws off now, I think you will regret it in the future, when this incident is in the past. No malice was meant and it was just unfortunate. The family obviously feel awful, with them all blaming each other. I would wait for all the emotions and everything to settle back down before you say or do something you might regret. I'm sorry such a scary thing happened. Sending hugs xxx

P.S. What you MIL said was bang out of order, especially when you were so upset.

You’ve clearly had a massive shock that will no doubt play on your mind for a long time yet and your reaction at the time was totally understandable. I’m sure your IL’s are also feeling the same way and are clearly upset by what has happened now.

i wouldn’t ignore the text and fracture relationships but instead reply and explain the whole situation was a massive shock which you haven’t yet got over and probably won’t for some yet but that you are all going to have to rethink safety arrangements whilst your children are both too young to understand road safety and that you are not yet sure what it means for future arrangements for getting together until you’ve been able to give it more thought but clearly the children’s safety has to be the no.1 priority.

I completely remember that helpless feeling of being stuck under a feeding baby who was also a younger sibling, it was partly what made me stop at 2. I agree that it takes a village and while I never expected free childcare I think if extended family want visits with cute toddlers they need to be prepared to muck in.

That said you need to accept reality, I'd be very firm with DH. Whilst your stuck feeding he needs to be fully responsible for the older one. Even if it's something he feels is justified like going off to find a changing mat there is no magic fairy that will just step in, he needs to actively hand over or put the older one somewhere secure.

I also hate the sexism that's clearly evident here with your ILs reaction. I'd struggle to get past that.

Agree and Maybe I am struggling to picture it but how could you not see the gate is open if you're loading things into the car on many trips? And how quickly does a 2 year old move anyway? A dog yes... but a toddler?

Thank god for the SIL. Also spare a thought for the drivers who could have killed a child through no fault of their own.

Closer eyes on your children, both of you.

@If123
Sorry Op. you and your husband were there. You both saw the gate and road situation. You knew that it was potentially dangerous.

If you hand over responsibility to another adult they will generally step up and do what is needed, if you are not present in that location.
If you try to get help watching your child, while you, the parent are also present , then the other adult will realistically be less focused on the child.

That’s how things work. You may not like it, but it’s human behaviour so don’t waste energy wishing it were different.

@If123
Regards their travel insurance, if FIL takes ill during this cruise and he has not declared his health conditions correctly he could face a large bill. Insurance companies request two years worth of history if a claim is made.
He needs to be honest and pay the correct premium.

I think situations where ‘everyone’ is watching the child is when accidents happen most as ‘everyone’ thinks ‘everyone’ else is keeping an eye.

if I was tied up with the baby and unable to watch the toddler - I would have made it clear to husband - I’m feeding now - you watch Millie.

or specified to a named adult a ‘mum I need to feed George - can you watch Millie for 20 mins?’

leaving it to the ‘herd’ effect if everyone keeping any eye doesn’t work.

I think your husband here was at fault for not naturally stepping up with his own kid - but to ensure this never happens again if you are not ‘in charge’ of one of them - ensure you know who is l.

always done this - especially on holiday around water or the beach - ‘everyone’ on family holiday watching the kids in the pool means no one really is… if you need to leave and go to the loo - you ask someone specifically as they are much more likely to do this if asked - then hoping that between everyone people are watching ALL the kids.

also a very serious chat with husband about parenting his own child - they are not just your responsibility .

Gosh that is utterly terrifying. It made me think of the poor little girl who drowned in a pond at Christmas in her grandparents garden last year. I think it’s very easy when it’s a big family occasion to lose sight of the little ones briefly in amongst the chaos and it literally (as you found) takes seconds for a tragedy to occur. You must all be pretty shook up over it.

FIL obviously meant no malice. When you don’t care for young children for years, it’s easy to forget safety precautions like that. I bet it just didn’t enter his mind or if it did, he probably thought she was being closely supervised.

Agree with all these points. It sounds like DH feels he is off duty as the grandparents/wider family are also present.
OP feels it's obvious she is with the newborn and therefore not watching the toddler so therefore not her responsibility as her duty is elsewhere.
I agree it isn't clear if the child is usually allowed to wander the garden by themselves normally. This could lead to misadventure at the best of times, so I think it this is the case then when visiting it is not ok to let the toddler off on their own doing laps round the building.
I would just be clearer in future about who is supervising who.
I think it's very tempting when visiting grandparents to see this as a rest time for parents, while grandparents do not realise that the parents are doing this and not fully watching their own child.

Mistakes happen but what would rile me is the fact your MIL blamed all the women and made it all your responsibility OP. I would not let that go. I also cannot believe your husband just stood there and did not defend you - what a coward. If he’s not going to defend his wife who’s just had a baby and major surgery then when is he?