AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

This is a scary and awful situation that sounds as though no one had properly taken responsibility for watching DD at that time. I’m afraid as her parents that responsibility falls to you and DH to make sure you’re verbally saying to someone “I’m nursing, hubs is packing the car please can you watch DD” or vice verses if hubs is saying it. A bit of a verbal tag you’re it! We have a couple of send children at nursery and as staff we do this. Not just I’m nipping to the loo and assume that someone will assume to watch x but a very specific I’m nipping to the loo please can you keep eyes on x then no one is in any doubt who the responsibility has passed to. My dad has an old saying to assume makes an ass of you and me! Everyone needs to be specific!

Adrenaline makes people react in strange ways which I think possibly accounts for the in laws knee jerk response and it’s only once that adrenaline wears off that MIl has seen the error of their response properly and apologised.

I personally wouldn’t go NC as she has apologised but in future I would ensure that DD isn’t allowed in the garden at anytime on her own especially with a gate (our school site is secure but no nursery or infant child is allowed out without an adult) and that there is a very specific conversation about who has responsibility and any one time.

Sending big hugs for what must have been a shockingly upsetting incident.

This!

If DH was off getting the baby changing mat for either you to use @If123 or to pack-up in the car, then you should have been watching DD, c-section or not (I’ve had 2 and managed 2kids at the same time). I understand that you would hope for some family support, and for them to use their common-sense, but you still can’t blame them when things go wrong when you and DH are there.

@If123 You and everyone else must have had the most terrible fright and it is the kind of thing that many of us as parents have experienced at some point. You need eyes in the back of your head when you have small children and sometimes an incident like this reinforces that and it is a huge learning curve when it happens to us. I still have the occasional nightmare, over my daughter at a swimming pool where she could have drowned, for a 10 second mistake of turning my back in the changing room.

It's so easy in these kind of gatherings for everyone to assume a toddler is being watched and it turns out no-one is 100% focussed on them and tragedy ensues. You were very lucky that all is well, but it would be OTT to not allow your daughter to ever go to your in-laws again. Everyone and No-one was to blame and to direct your anger solely to your in-laws is very unfair. You all know what can happen now, in the blink of an eye and will be super-vigilant in future.

You were ALL shocked and things were said in the heat of the moment. From what you said, you shouted as you were (understandably) very frightened and angry about who left the gate open and your MIL truthfully said it wouldn't have happened if you - almost certainly including your DH in that 'you'- had been watching your daughter - but you were the one who was blaming someone else, so that's why she directed it at you? I expect your husband didn't say anything at the time, because what she said was factually true and he also would have been in shock and we all react differently.

You need to have a discussion once you are calmer and talk to your MIL. She is reaching out to you and refusing to answer her calls or respond to texts is really not fair of you.

I think this is a combination of everyone thinking someone else was watching her, and your FIL's medical issues. Primarily the latter. I don't think it is unreasonable to presume that if a toddler is playing in a garden with a padlocked gate to a main road, that that gate would remain padlocked while they are in there. Nobody in their right mind would open it... and there we have it, your FIL has a condition that appears to be affecting his judgement.

I would also report him to the DVSA - he could kill a child while driving, as you have noted.

Thank goodness for SIL's swift actions. I'm so glad your daughter is ok - what a terrifying incident for you all!

No, i'm suggesting she finds a way to make sure she isn't still having flashbacks to what she has already seen and can't unsee 8 years later, because it's shit!

Dealing with the inlaws and DH is covered in detail by many many other replies on this thread.

This.
The child was in the house... who was supposed to be watching her?

Tbf, she's right. They're your children, you should have been watching them. I get that it's hard with a newborn, I have 4 kids so I do understand, but why was a 2 year old allowed outside with no one out there with her? You can't expect other people's places to be toddler proofed, you have to have eyes up your arse.

It sounds like a horrible accident where each individual thing makes sense in isolation but lack of communication meant that nobody knew what each other were doing. It's perfectly normal to open a gate when people are getting ready to leave, especially as DD was in the house then.

However, YABU as you jumped straight into throwing blame around and making sure none of it touched you. MIL was only responding to you essentially "starting it," by pointing out you (plural, mainly DH) should have been supervising your child.

You need to reflect on what you'll do differently in future and blocking grandparents is a ridiculous solution. Instead, manage crunch points, ask people to watch DD while you look for a change mat. Recognise that getting ready to leave will have lots of moving parts and stay on top of things. If on doubt, get DD next to you until you've assessed where everyone is at.

OP I reread your 2nd post.

To the point about whether it is safe to send your child to GPs house without you or husband there ever again (question re. grandfather's health being the issue) - there are ways that this can happen safely, as long as granny is OK, and knows the very clear rules. My mum and lovely dad looked after two of my little ones from around 9 months to 2 years (one child at a time, one day per week) whilst my dad was progressing with Alzheimers.

Of course my dad wasn't doing any of the looking after - my mum was very very much doing sole childcare which was made more complicated by him being there as she couldn't e.g leave them in the playpen with him in the room - he never showed any signs at all that this would be dangerous - e.g never tried to pick them up or anything, was steady on his feet - but that was a clear rule, just in case - they got to see granny on the toilet a lot! He was very much on child entertainment duties - silly faces/songs etc - and was very good at it, and she didn't ever leave him in the room alone with them just in case.

They didn't go out much (if at all) as my mum couldn't keep both the wee one and my dad safe when they were out, but the arrangement gave my dad some years with them that would have been lost otherwise, and it meant that my mum didn't miss out on that experience of being a granny to tiny ones either, and they have lots of photos and echoes of memories of spending time with grandad. As soon as my dad progressed to the point that we could see the noise beginning to frustrate him we stopped. When he got really bad with Alzheimers and I used to visit with them, one day he looked at me with a brilliant smile and said 'I don't know who they are but I know that I love them'. He's gone now, and my mum and oldest two still have a very strong bond.

Telling you this because one GPs illness doesn't have to stop them building relationships - there just have to be very very clear rules about H+S and the other GP being 'on' all the time. There's no way my dad could have understood or accepted he had alzheimers (you seem to be blaming your FIL for not admitting to/accepting being will). Any arrangement has to happen with all of the people who are well, and responsible signing up to clear rules and boundaries.

This sounds a million miles away from the scenario yesterday though - where it sounds like no one realised they were 'on' - and a gate could be left open by any mentally well adult packing a car - FIL's illness almost irrelevant there.

Your husband should have been taking care of her, not leaving her to the whole family. I live on a main road it’s all of our responsibility to ensure doors are shut properly garden gates are locked ect and would never leave them open with younger children here. Mine are 7 & 10 bought up in the house and know not to open door until adults are present.
She’s a baby too you are recovering from surgery your mil comment was not needed. I would text her back that until you feel able to take care of both of the children alone and keep them safe you won’t be bringing them over due to the fact she feels that it’s solely your responsibility and with a newborn baby and recovery that may not be anytime soon.
She blamed you because she didn’t want to blame the people who were responsible her son who should have been looking after his daughter as you were feeding and changing the other baby. Or her husband who stupidly opened a gate to a main road when there was a tiny child on the property. You thought your child was running round an enclosed garden with a toy pram and had no idea she was in danger. Oh send your sister in law some flowers and a card to thank her she literally saved your daughter life risking her own in the process she obviously loves her niece!

I also think YABU sorry. It’s hard after a c section but you and your DH are responsible unless you have specifically delegated the responsibility to someone else.

Thank god for your SIL. That must have been terrifying for everyone, including the drivers. I think in situations like this, it's good to specify at the outset who is looking after which child, as it's easy in group situations for everyone to assume that someone else has taken responsibility for the child.

The gates should have remained locked, but your FIL clearly has a pretty severe, ongoing health condition. He's not a responsible adult capable of looking out for the best interests of your child. your MIL's comment was ridiculously sexist, although it is a fair point that your DH should have been looking after your toddler, as you're clearly in no fit state to be chasing her around the garden.

I think you're right that it's not safe to leave your children alone in their grandparents care, as your FIL isn't capable and your MIL is caring for your FIL. I think you also need several discussions with your husband about safety and caring for his own children, taking accidents seriously and reviewing what happened to make sure it doesn't happen again. (Sorry, but it he's anything like my ex, that will fall on deaf ears because he's a selfish dick who won't be told anything by anyone else, even when he's wrong. That means it all falls on you. You don't get to recover in peace and you won't get time to yourself. You are the sole responsible carer. You decide where the kids go and who cares for them. If your DH insists on taking them to his parents house, instead of a neutral location as you suggested, you will have to go with them and stay within grabbing distance of your children at all times. This will mean your 2yr old will no longer have free rein in the garden. I would suggest once a month, max, at parents house, then other visits during the month at your house/park/playground, which is fair.)

Your post brought a tear to my eye

God she's clutching at straws with those manipulation tactics isn't she? I think when there are a lot of people around, they tend to all be thinking that someone else is watching your child. That's why I'd always just act as if no-one was watching and I'd always hand over my DCs in a very deliberate way, so that the person would know that they were now responsible.

Your MIL sounds very immature emotionally to blame you and then try to make you feel sorry for your FIL with the very probable lie about the funny turn. But a child that young needs to have one person watching their every move. That person should have been your DH.

You're absolutely not over-reacting though... it must have been terrifying and you'll be re-living it for a long time I would imagine.

"If 'someone' is doing it, then no-one is doing it" <--- this is exactly how toddlers drown in domestic settings too.

Any young child who needs constant adult supervision must have a dedicated, named adult responsible for doing that, and who continues to supervise actively (not on phone, in same room etc) until they verbally 'hand off' to another adult and get a verbal acknowledgment (eg: just shouting up the stairs to someone you think is there isn't good enough).This even means short periods such as a quick handover of who is watching the child while the first adult nips to the loo etc.

In your situation, it was reasonable that you weren't the adult responsible for the toddler because you were minding the baby and still relatively immobile post-surgery, but that means that both of you should have been 100% certain that this meant your DH was on the toddler at all times - you can't just rely on unrelated adults to 'keep an eye out' without a formal handover!

So if anyone is at fault, it is your DH for being way too slack and assuming his family would cover his responsibility to your daughter.

I would argue your husband bears most responsibility here. You were holding a newborn and recovering from a c section.
Your husband should have been in charge of your other child and had eyes on her at all times. You and he should had discussed that and agreed it before you went over there.

The lesson to learn from this is to always agree who is doing what in advance.

It's your fault. Why didn't you or your husband watch.the toddler? It's not their responsibility to track your toddler. Stop blaming others, as you are guilty as well.

Thing is, DD was being watched- SiL saw and reacted really quickly.
MiL has apologised although it wasn’t her fault, and it sounds as if it was FiL who left the gate open, after”a turn”. That suggests he is not 100% well, and probably means that he can’t be relied on to do checks properly. Going forward, it means that you or DH will have to be responsible for making sure the gate is locked, not just closed. DH needs to apologise to you, and to step up.. you’re going to have to spell it out that he is charge of the toddler automatically every time you are sat down feeding the baby.
Personally, Ibwouldnt let him take the toddler to ILs without you for a while, you need to be able to see him carry out the gate and door checks every time .
Maybe you can all sit down together to work out what needs to be done to toddler proof their house and garden.

My advice would be to book a few sessions with a couples therapist for support in speaking to your husband and the importance of him having your back. He behaved badly. But do forgive your in-laws they deserve another chance and your children deserve to have loving grandparents.

My advice would be to book a few sessions with a couples therapist for support in speaking to your husband and the importance of him having your back. He behaved badly. But do forgive your in-laws they deserve another chance and your children deserve to have loving grandparents.

You all got a massive fright and immediately looked for someone to blame. It was an accident and nobody's fault. However your DC are not the responsibility of anyone else unless you have agreed with someone to take that responsibility. You and/or DH should have been watching.

No one needs to be named- she had a FATHER there.

You may have not known your FIL is a bit forgetful now. And opening the gate is something he does without thinking. Nor SIL possibly for leaving the door wide open whilst packing.
But nobody could have anticipated your daughter bolting out of the door. Thankfully S|L retrieved her.

People make mistakes. Accidents happen. This was not intended.

You need soothing. Blame is not helpful.

You all need to agree to be careful in future. Of doors and gates.

This. 🙄

She got out of the house, down the garden, out the gate. That’s on you and your DH. Thankfully your SIL has more sense than to allow a 2 year old play unsupervised around adults who were trying to entertain their guests.