AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

I would open the gate when somebody in my house said they were leaving, were gathering their things in preparation for leaving, and needed the gate to be opened in order to leave!

Pub lunch, farm park, zoo etc. something time limited where everyone stays together and the expectation of who does what and when is more predictable and controlled. I’m genuinely sorry to hear your resentment towards your family members, I hope you aren’t lacking in any support.

I’d expect the parents to be in said garden with said toddler whilst they were playing. Then again, none of my friends or family are irresponsible enough to not have eyes on their young children in someone else’s home.

I don’t think I’m the one sounding like a “lunatic” here.

Yes.

These things happen with two year olds. I can remember something similar with mine at that age and I thought I was keeping an eye oin him! I grabbed him in time but the memory still fills me with horror.

My neighbour's two year old got out of the back garden and went out through the access road while she was doing something indoors. He walked around the corner to his sister's school; teacher phoned home to my neighbour who was distraught at him missing, telling her he was wandering around the playground wearing only a vest!

You need eyes in the back of your head with little kids.

I'm sorry you have had this shock but it's nobody's fault.

I think this is on your husband too, you were feeding the baby.
Why couldn't he be trusted to do one thing properly.
That was extremely unkind of your MIL.
Awful that your FIL is still on the road with cognitive issues.

Your FIL is clearly not fully capable and no I wouldn't allow my child to be over there unsupervised.

These things happen so easily when people are milling around, you have been so lucky thank goodness.

You could ask that you lock it and keep the key while over there so this can't happen again.
I would be very pissed with my husband if I were you.

Mind yourself.

Horrible near miss, but the sort of thing that can easily happen (a) with a group of people and no I've designed to look after a child (b) in the early weeks of parenting a second.

Working out how to adequately supervise a toddler whilst looking after a baby is a learning curve. My near miss was my toddler legging it out of the park and towards the river when I was changing newborn on the floor of the park. Poor newborn got left half naked on the ground as I sprinted after her.

With one child, it was fine, but with 2, we often had a quick chat about who was in charge of who. In this case though, your 1yo shouldn't have been doing circuits round the garden/house without being tailed anyway.

Your in laws were clearly hosting on this occasion, so they shouldn't be the ones responsible for your toddler - that was a job for you guys as parents.

Why is the default that others step up? I think I missed that bit.

OP was indisposed but presumably the husband was capable of looking after his child and ensuring this kind of thing didn’t happen

The expectation that parents are responsible for their children doesn’t change no matter the location. Everywhere you listed are not safe, stress free locations. Many more hazards there on top of roads.

I don’t have resentment for my relatives. You must be confused.

How do you know it was FIL who opened.the gates? (I've only read your initial post so apologies if hes admitted it) but either way, as the parents its yours and DHs responsibility to keep an eye on your child.

Ok, and how do the cars get through the gate when everyone is starting to leave? Because that was why the gate was unlocked. OP stated it had been locked after everyone arrived and kept locked all day long.

No idea why you can’t comprehend that this was a fast moving situation.

Wow so your mil blamed you who has a newborn and a c section 6 weeks ago . Wtf was your husband ? And why didn’t he defend you ? Honestly I would have lost my mind at my husband and would have send him to stay with him mum if he is going to be a mammas boy or find another wife if he thinks the same as her !
yes it was an accident and that part is nobody’s fault but to blame you directly in front of others including your husband is shocking .

It’s not your in-laws fault, but now you are wanting to punish them. That’s not fair. You should all learn a lesson from this, but the blame doesn’t sit with your in-laws. If anyone should be keeping an eye on the child whilst you’re feeding baby, its your DH.

The gate wasn’t left open while the toddler was in the garden.
No wonder you need your elders to watch your children since you seem incapable of understanding a simple chronological order of events.

The default is never that others step up. It's perfectly reasonable that the mum can't chase round the toddler because she's feeding a newborn. That means though she (or dad) explicitly delegate to someone else to watch the toddler. It shouldn't happen by default as that's too risky.

Something like 'Bev, Charlie's gone into the garden and I'm feeding, could you please follow him round and make sure he doesn't get into any mischief until Bob is back from the loo'.

Always have a specific person on duty at all times.

Classic case of distraction. You were holding your newborn and your husband went off in search of the changing mat. It meant that neither of you were supervising your eldest. One of you should have asked one of his parents or other family members to supervise your eldest, whilst your husband went to fetch the changing mat. The fact that you or your husband didn't think to ask another family member to supervise your eldest, isn't anyone else's fault.

Your FIL opened the gates, and didn't tell anyone. Yes, perhaps he should have done. However, he wasn't aware that you or his son weren't supervising your daughter.

Your FIL should have been honest, that he'd opened the gates. Your MIL shouldn't be solely blaming you, her son is 50% responsible for his daughter.

Be extremely grateful your SIL saved your daughter. Everyone involved would have been shocked and scared. You need to learn from this and understand that you and your husband are 100% responsible for your children. You also need to understand that you can't rely on other adults to supervise your children or to child proof their home.

Accept your MIL's apology. It's unlikely something like this will happen again, as everyone has been frightened enough to be more vigilant.

You mentioned your brother and sister having a live in nanny per child and that’s how it landed to me, and it struck me how difficult it might be if you are lacking support or comparing your situation with them 🙏. At a neutral location it’s easier as child is always in your line of sight and if you needed to do something like change the baby it’s more natural to specifically ask someone to look after toddler. At a pub lunch toddler can be in high chair or farm park/ soft play etc there are generally safe areas to play that are visible and safe. An activity is also time limited so that the intense helicoptering over a toddler isn’t going to be all day and parents will be less exhausted and burnt out. It’s miserable and uncomfortable doing that at someone else’s house, not worth the hassle. I think op needs to protect their peace.

I dont think a 2 year old should be left unsupervised in the garden , at that age someone needs to be in the garden with her at all times, despite the gate being padlocked.

It must have been terrifying but I think your anger is misplaced at your parents in law and I don't think you should cut contact over it.

This.

You were literally holding the baby while recovering slowly from a recent c-section ... but apparently still your fault, not your husband's, her son's, for not watching his own toddler. While FIL left a gate that opens onto a main A road in front of their house wide open. And the door kept getting left open while they moved things about. BUt, not all YOUR fault, not ANY of the other responsible, fully mobile grown ups not holding a newborn post-major-surgery.

FFS

And don't get me started on your wimp of a husband for not standing up for you.

I wouldn't be going back.

To add to my previous post the OP said her daughter regularly does a circuit & runs out of the door into the garden with her dolly pram then around the garden & in through another door. Its obvious she is doing this with no supervision. Regardless of whether the gate is locked its bad practice. You can't take your eyes of children at this stage of life. My husband never got maternity leave after my emergency section. I still managed to take charge of my 2 year old. I'm sticking to my view this incident could have been avoided if both parents insisted at least one of them didn't let their daughter out of their sight for a minute. The in-laws should receive an apology for being blamed for a lack of child supervision. My cousin at 3 years old climbed on a chair during a family gathering & pulled a hot cup of tea from our grandmother's table. If there had been no milk in the cup as in a minute earlier he could have been scalded. It was his parents fault for not keeping him away from the table. It must have been a dreadful shock & we all make mistakes. Hopefully its a lesson learned & it won't happen again.

I would need a lot of time to process this incident and there’s no way my child would be going there for a long time. She could very easily of been killed. And A road right outside and the door was open without the gate being closed. All adults are collectively at fault, but regardless of fault DD just wouldn’t be going there as a young child. I would stick to my guns on it. And I wouldn’t reply to the messages at the moment at all.

When I was a child OP, this exact scenario happened to my parents friends little girl. She was eighteen months and got out their gate. She got hit by a car and died in their road. They’ve never recovered and neither did the poor driver. The mother had a mental breakdown afterwards and their marriage was never the same. YANBU

Ah I see why you might have thought that. No, they both live other side of the planet - one is 9hrs behind, the other is 7hrs ahead- as expats on generous living allowances that top up their salaries. They had their kids as older, and therefore more affluent parents.

I had mine young so mine were adults and had flown the nest in my 40s.
There is literally 21 years between the eldest cousin and my youngest. My children are old enough to be the parents of their cousins.

So no, I’m not resentful, I am just aware that not all parents are in the same life stage I was. They have toddlers and newborns (most recent was this past January) while I’m early retired and mucking about like I’m on a never ending gap year.

I think this is the type of thing that can really easily happen when loads of people are around but no one is specifically watching a toddler. Your PIL and your DH responded very badly and I can understand why you’re upset but I don’t think anyone did anything terrible WRT the actual incident.

Your fear and protectiveness is understandable, but it's unreasonable to cut contact, stop all effort in the relationship, and ban anyone from taking your DC to the house.

If a 2 year-old made it from inside a house into a road while pushing a pram on toddler legs before any adults managed to spot the problem and catch up then they weren't being adequately supervised. Gate or no gate, a 2 year-old shouldn't have unsupervised garden access and should have eyes and hands supervision. There's absolutely a lesson there for all adults but particularly you and your DH. If you're on infant duty then your DH needs to stay in charge of the toddler and it sounds like that didn't happen.

Your MIL shouldn't have said you were at fault for not watching your daughter, but I do understand the defensiveness - you were the one screaming at your in-laws for being to blame, not your DH. By staying silent and still he managed to get both you and your MIL ignore his role in what happened.

If you had posted asking whether you were unreasonable to stop leaving your DC in your PIL's care I would say no, not at all because it sounds like they're not up for that. But the leap from that to trying to cut contact and not allow your DC at the house at all is wholly unreasonable; your DC have two parents who should be able to take them for visits and supervise them while there, and relationships with grandparents shouldn't be dependent on their ability to mind young children.

This 100%.
Perfectly said.