To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

[NeedingASafeSpace]

in my late teens to mid 20s I was always loving life wanting to go out whenever I could. I would itch to go out for then Friday, drink and dabble a little with party drugs Friday Saturday and Sunday and then feel regret come Monday morning. Some Mondays I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror! I had my children a totally calmed down. I stopped going out of course (lack of child care but also I don’t want to!) I get offers now for people to have my children while I go out but honestly looking back on how I used to be? No thanks! I have responsibilities now and so my whole life has changed dramatically. I don’t drink at all anymore. Needless to say I absolutely do not touch drugs now.
thinking back to my life before my children, I was so lost and alone! I definitely believe if I had not had children and carried on how I did, I would have an issue with some form of substance now (either drink or c0k3). I am not saying I ever felt addicted but I’d admit I was likely on the pathway and so were the people I chose to associate with.
a night out to me sounds horrendous. When I think back to how alcohol made me feel… alone, depressed, in self sabotage mode and a shitty human at times. Argh I do not miss it one bit. I do believe it is a trap. Or was that just for me? Uh… I don’t know?

Can people not just have enjoyed both? I had a cracking time up til and after my son was born. Most of the things we did before we still do now. We just happen to have a kid in tow. Kids can go to festivals, now at 14 he can go to all the gigs we were doing before he was born, kids can travel worldwide, they can go to restaurants and sit nicely to eat. All these things can still be done, they just look slightly different.

Why when your children are born do you just become ‘mum’?

My son was born after 6 lots of IVF so it’s not as though it was an adhoc decision to have him, but was I just going to be ‘mum’? Absolutely not. Was I going to stop being me and going to gigs, travelling and resign my life to an endless cycle of schedules and Peppa Pig?! Hahaha no!

I loved my hedonistic youth and I love my slightly less hedonistic parenthood. I’m a whole person, not just ‘mum’.

And people who are annoyed at the implication they’re floating nobodies without kids are allowed the voice their annoyance I guess

You can't for one minute see how it's hurtful? It's comments like the OPs that destroy me and yet people who say things like it just backtrack and say 'oh it wasn't about you'. There's not a week that goes by where I don't hear comments similar to this. It puts doubts in my head about my existence in society and how I'll continue to be perceived. It's hard enough to not be able to have children without dealing with people's comments and perceptions.

But why would the comment be about you? I don’t even known who you are. It’s my feelings and they are valid as are yours.

It depends what and how much you think having a life or indeed a social life is a trap? If on a night out you are drinking to match your friends when really you could drink one drink of yours to every three of theirs then you need to be stronger willed. If I drank half as much of some of my friends I wouldn't last beyond an hour or two but they are probably used to drinking great quantities and can put it away all night long. But these friends also regularly drink at home - do they have a problem with alcohol? I would say yes especially when they are still nursing hangovers the next morning. I've had hangovers but can't be bothered with them now - you lose too much of day wallowing with a headache and nausea - so drinking isn't a big thing for me. But for many friends their social life revolves around the pub or going out clubbing - nothing wrong with that but you don't have to drink alcohol - plenty of alternatives out there and you find your own sense of enjoyment or high without the alcohol crutch.
I've smoked as a teenager but it didn't do much for me so that fell by the wayside - a school friend now has COPD and other related illnesses which pretty much started with a fag behind the bike sheds at school - she couldn't ever stop smoking.
I've never done drugs - never interested me and have never wanted to explore them - for all those people who say a bit of wacky baccy is harmless seems to invariably lead to the stronger stuff and eventually unable to go on a night out without an an artificial high to start them off.
If I seem intolerant of people caught in a 'trap' as the OP calls it - it needn't be a trap as you found something else that was a massive improvement that enriched your life - like children. I have/had family members with addiction to alcohol, anti-depressants and even now often smell people who reek of smoking drugs when going in to the shops. Life today is full of things which can be addictive and low lifes peddle these things - some people become addicted and it becomes a vicious circle if you become dependent whether it's alcohol or something else.
OP you were living life as it was back then just like many of us do and then found something so much better than a quick fix. Be happy with your life and family - you now have the expereince to say that you have been there, done that and can say - you know what - it's not all it's cracked up to be - so don't go there!

You don't need to know me to consider how your words on a public forum can be incredibly damaging. Anyway I'm out, off to lead my nobody, floating aimlessly life with no purpose. I won't look at or respond to this thread again as it's too damaging to me.

Na not me op! I’m at music festivals without my kids every summer - we send kids to stay with my parents

I go out clubbing and gigs still loads - I don’t think I drink as much as I’m more aware of being hungover etc so more in control for sure than when I was younger but I’m out all the time basically

but still same old me when it comes to going out when I can

I am not saying that at all… just giving an example of a person who drinks to excess, has a problem but it’s acceptable in general society.

This really sounds like a you problem. Seek help?

But she’s an office worker and it’s kind of “acceptable” in society certain levels to get stupid drunk and do silly things.

What did that bit mean? What does being an ‘office worker’ have to do with it? And what ‘levels’ are you referring to?

My ex best friend from childhood when her kids were young and with their dad (they were separated) would go out with me and take an ecstasy tablet and drink. Not very often just once in a while. I didn’t do drugs then. She was fine when the kids returned. Many would judge her but she only did this for a couple of years in her early 20s. Then she met a boyfriend which got serious and she calmed down.

As that poster has (with incredible patience) pointed out, you need to watch how you word things if you don't want to confuse or even harm other people.

Your thread title as an example says "AIBU to think that going out....is a trap". Then when people disagree, you're getting all discombobulated and say "but MY truth, MY experience"! If you had said something more neutral and less of a sweeping statement, you would have had less push back.

Anyway, I am beginning to wonder how useful this thread is for you or anyone else now.

All of this, basically.

Stereotypes of office workers or working classes getting drunk (or used to) are quite common. And yes working class women it seems get away with the stereotype of drinking to excess (at least some of the ones I know/knew did). So levels are classes. I honestly don’t see much judgement towards upper and middle classes getting drunk when out.

Same, me DH and our mates are all late 30s, no kids and still love going to gigs, festivals and nights out. Often we might not get in till 2am, shocker! Clearly some people would say we haven't 'grown up' but we love our life. I would be utterly miserable if I had kids, so different strokes for different folks I guess, as long as you're happy just do what you like!

Hi OP, I'm on Mumsnet for years and never ever comment but wanted to come on today to say I totally understand what you mean.

For years in my twenties & early thirties I partied. I too dabbled with party drugs and was always the last one standing. I couldn't go out without pushing it to the extreme. I often said / tried to give up drink but as soon as I would go out for a few with friends I would want to keep the party going.

I got married and had a daughter (who's now 11) and I stopped. For me, when I was partying I could never stop long enough to break the cycle. Being pregnant helped. When I hadn't drank in a year and could see how destructive I was it was an eye opener, but more than that it showed me that I could actually do it.

I havent done drugs in years and I occasionally drink, but at the back of my mind when I have a drink is the fear of getting so drunk I lose the run of myself. It keeps me in check.

In my case I was diagnosed AuDHD 6 months ago at 45, which explains a lot. And over the past c.8 years I have transferred my energy into studying and have obtained a degree and am halfway through my MSc (a different kind of madness!!).

So what are you saying here - on the one line you say that stereotypes of working classes getting drunk are acceptable, but on the other there is no judgement to upper and middle class women getting drunk. Do you mean in your world it’s acceptable to judge working class women but no-one judges those of middle class? What about the middle class women who work in offices?

Honestly I’m still not sure what point you’re trying to make here, but it’s coming over as very offensive.

I think you've got addiction issues.. I mean so did I in my 20s however I dont now. I do like a night out, but for me that entails a meal with friends and a couple of g&ts. Very occasionally going to a club and having a dance to the early hours.. but im talking once every few months if that.
I've no desire to do drugs or drink heavily any more. I dont want a hangover and I want 8 hours sleep!!
For me going out is not a trap. My life changed and so did my approach to going out and so did my friendship circle!
You dont have to get totally trashed on a night out. I just like seeing my friends and having fun then going home to bed.

I’m 60 and was out until 2am yesterday at a house music night. Dancing until my feet hurt

My DS is an adult and I did take a break festivals, nights out etc when he was little then started going out again when he was about 5. My friends and me went to a dance music weekend twice a year as our adult time.

I still go out dancing at least once a month and usually more regularly. I don’t do drugs and I’m not much of a drinker these days but I love music and dancing so there’s no age limit imo,

I wouldn’t go to the local high street Ritzy nightclub but there’s a lot of music events full of older people - the 50/60 year olds now are the ones who were raving in fields

Pardon? Addiction issues? You’ve just explained the same as what I said I feel like? I used to enjoy it now I can’t be assed!

You will likely feel differently - as you age you realise life is a series of stages and you change too. That’s fine it’s all good - but when you are 50 with teens you will not want them to be your world and they certainly won’t want you hanging around! So it’s good to develop your own interests.

Like another commenter, I have no idea what you’re trying to say here. You say working class women ‘get away with the stereotype’, but also that you don’t see judgement towards the middle or upper classes for drinking. So…everyone ‘gets away’ with it, then?

And this relates to the woman you were talking about…how?

Finally, while some working class people do work in offices (as well as every other class), since when was ‘office workers’ shorthand for ‘working class’? Corporate = working class? Eh? Am I missing something?!

I know what I’m talking about and the media knows too.

Yes I am. Not my views but media views.

And yes I meant working class people in offices. A lot of middle and upper class women (yes I’ve seen it) can get absolutely hammered, behave badly and they’re given a free pass. Whereas if you’re working class you get looked down on for doing the exact same thing. Be offended by what I say but you can’t deny it’s true.