To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

[NeedingASafeSpace]

in my late teens to mid 20s I was always loving life wanting to go out whenever I could. I would itch to go out for then Friday, drink and dabble a little with party drugs Friday Saturday and Sunday and then feel regret come Monday morning. Some Mondays I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror! I had my children a totally calmed down. I stopped going out of course (lack of child care but also I don’t want to!) I get offers now for people to have my children while I go out but honestly looking back on how I used to be? No thanks! I have responsibilities now and so my whole life has changed dramatically. I don’t drink at all anymore. Needless to say I absolutely do not touch drugs now.
thinking back to my life before my children, I was so lost and alone! I definitely believe if I had not had children and carried on how I did, I would have an issue with some form of substance now (either drink or c0k3). I am not saying I ever felt addicted but I’d admit I was likely on the pathway and so were the people I chose to associate with.
a night out to me sounds horrendous. When I think back to how alcohol made me feel… alone, depressed, in self sabotage mode and a shitty human at times. Argh I do not miss it one bit. I do believe it is a trap. Or was that just for me? Uh… I don’t know?

Oh please….

Well, caffeine is a stimulant, speed is a stimulant, Ritalin is a stimulant. Sometimes stimulants are legal, sometimes they’re illegal; sometimes they’re a controlled substance, sometimes they’re freely available on supermarket shelves. I’m not being deliberately obtuse, I’m just pointing out that people are very black and white (and judgemental) about ‘taking drugs’ without considering that the vast majority of us self-medicate to a greater or lesser extent (usually but not exclusively on the ‘right’ side of the law).

Respectfully, shouldn’t you try to work on that? It’s not good for you for your entire life to be your children, and it’s certainly not good for them. Their job is to grow up and make their own way, and it’s yours to facilitate that and let them fly.

WTF - what do you mean about it being ‘acceptable in society certain levels to get drunk and do silly things’. Are people who work in offices less than other people ? Some kind of underclass? Or are you saying it’s a good thing she’s still able to have a good time? Because she’s an office worker ?
WTAF??

There are some very odd views of life on this thread!

Most people live their lives in moderation op seems like one of those characters that lurches from one extreme to the other. Might be worth self reflecting on that op - believe me the little children stage is just a stage not a whole life.

You're being very extreme. I used to be a bit wild in my teens and twenties but dont feel it was in any way a 'trap' - it was a decision i made by myself, i had an amazing time and so many funny stories now as a result!

I also have kids now so dont go out often but can quite happily go out occasionally with friends for drinks and chat and drink for hours and have a great time!

I dont know who you think trapped you? You obviously loved it at the time!

I loved my boozing, pill popping, raving, wildchild 20s and 30s, I look back on them fondly. I had some amazing nights, dancing to some amazing DJs before they were huge megastars. The Friday nights, that turned into Saturday nights that turned into Sunday's. Planning what you'd wear on Friday on Monday, having a come down that would clear just in time to do it all over again. The friends that became family. I don't regret a moment of it. I'm surprised I held down a job and did a degree sometimes mind you 😅.

I stopped the hedonism a long time ago but still go out occasionally, off to see Tiesto in July. I will be sober but am very much looking forward to dancing my socks off to my favourite dj and being home and in bed by 11pm(ish).

I don't have kids but I also don't feel like a floating nobody without purpose.

This is so, so hurtful to those of us who can't have children.

Oh my god, couldn’t think of anything worse now! Being in a sweaty rave, gurning my tits off, chatting absolute waffle to anyone that will listen 🤣🤣

I understand your viewpoint. My DD saved me from binge drinking and giving up alcohol in my mid 40s has led to 7 years of much better self esteem and mental health for me. Am grateful every day that I don’t have hangover paranoia or take stupid risks anymore. I don’t regret my raving days in my 20s though as I had some wonderful experiences and needed the freedom back then. But I do agree, a change in lifestyle can be a welcome relief at some point as you get older.

I am sorry if I hurt anyone with my words as it was not intended. However I really don’t see how my feelings before kids could hurt someone else? They were my feelings. Some people with kids don’t want to be a parent and oh my gosh I know a few! That’s not offensive to me. Because it is them feeling it. I mean I feel extreme pity for them and the child but it does not offend, nor hurt me.

“You’re being extreme” no I’m not. Who are you to tell me my experience is extreme? It was very real and I experienced this, not you.

My children are 2 and 5, WDYM?😂
let them stroll park on their own? Yes, sure. Obviously they’re my world. WTAF😂

Well yes they are now but they are not going to stay those ages are they!

You don’t speak for everyone who can’t have children.

But have I reached that stage? No. For now, my children are my world and rightly so. I worry for parents who children are not. I do not by any means have such low self esteem to need a random stranger on the internet telling me that it is a problem to love, nourish and think the world of my two, very young children.

But loving, nourishing and thinking the world of your children is not the same thing as making them your whole world or identity. The former is standard, I would say baseline parenting. Tying your identity to being a parent though can become a problem. As people have tried to point out, (and you aren't taking it well, which is a bit of a red flag tbh), you seem to have replaced one fixation with another one.

I think you are lashing out a bit as in this post, you appear to be not so subtly implying that people who do not think the way you do about your children are somehow subpar parents. It is not a new tactic or opinion and I am sure it is not having the impact you are hoping for. But whatever the impact, lashing out at people is often a sign of insecurity. It is not a hanging offence. I am sure you are doing a great job of parenting. But it is, gently, something which may be worth working on.

Anyway, I personally didn't find nightlife a trap, but just part of my youth which I can't repeat now I'm 40 with two little kids. Life changes and we change with it.

ok, maybe in most situation. For me, however, I am a single parent and left an abusive relationship, DC2 does not see their father so I am the full time parent for one, I work and hold down a full time job while trying to pay off debt ex put me in, when I’m not working I am a parent. What do you suggest I do? Go to work and when I am not in work and DC are not in school I leave them with other people so I go and do things to “get my identity back”? Absolutely not. I am a mother and will fully indulge in this lifestyle until my kids get some more independence and then I’ll slowly introduce what I like doing again. Right now, my kids need me more than I need a drink, outing or hobby.

Not a trap at all. You had free will then and you have it now. No-one is forced to live a partying life!

I had a similar experience to you. I don’t consider my children saved me and I didn’t feel trapped in my wild years. They were awesome but came to a natural end. It’s a pretty typical experience.

I still had some big drinking nights when my kids were small. It was a release and I had a very capable husband who took equally good care of them when I wasn’t there. I don’t regret a thing. I’m now in my 50s, children grown. Life is quieter and I love that too.

I haven’t ever felt trapped but technically if there is a ‘trap’ it’s probably more being in a relationship and having children as you are no longer responsible just for yourself. You can decide to stop partying and being wild but you can’t stop parenting.

Well you can’t have the drinks/drugs without the hangover and, yes, drugs (including alcohol), can be addictive so 🤷‍♀️

A lot of people can use /drink recreationally but it looks like in your case you dodged a bullet

I don't think you necessarily need to seek out other activities. Many people (me included) did not have the option of leaving their kids to go out when they were very young. But creating the narrative that your whole world is being a mum and also that any other lifestyle is an empty husk of an existence is extremely problematic

No I don't but I'm pretty sure the vast majority would think it's highly inappropriate to be compared to a floating nobody with no purpose.

Your comparison doesn't make sense. I am clearly not talking about people who choose not to have children or have them when they don't like being a parent. I am talking about people who can't have children and how your words were incredibly hurtful. A floating nobody. No purpose. I will never have children so I guess I'll always be that floating nobody and will have no purpose eh.

Anyway, all I ask is that you consider your words more carefully in the future.

But she’s saying she felt like a floating body with no purpose. She’s not saying she was one, or that you or people who do not have children are.

If you feel that you are a floating body with no purpose I’m sorry to hear that but she should be able to say that she felt that when it’s directly linked to the change in her habits which is what this post is all about.