To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

[NeedingASafeSpace]

in my late teens to mid 20s I was always loving life wanting to go out whenever I could. I would itch to go out for then Friday, drink and dabble a little with party drugs Friday Saturday and Sunday and then feel regret come Monday morning. Some Mondays I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror! I had my children a totally calmed down. I stopped going out of course (lack of child care but also I don’t want to!) I get offers now for people to have my children while I go out but honestly looking back on how I used to be? No thanks! I have responsibilities now and so my whole life has changed dramatically. I don’t drink at all anymore. Needless to say I absolutely do not touch drugs now.
thinking back to my life before my children, I was so lost and alone! I definitely believe if I had not had children and carried on how I did, I would have an issue with some form of substance now (either drink or c0k3). I am not saying I ever felt addicted but I’d admit I was likely on the pathway and so were the people I chose to associate with.
a night out to me sounds horrendous. When I think back to how alcohol made me feel… alone, depressed, in self sabotage mode and a shitty human at times. Argh I do not miss it one bit. I do believe it is a trap. Or was that just for me? Uh… I don’t know?

The problem is that OP seems to think there are only 2 modes - go out, drink to excess, take drugs, risky behaviour (i.e The Trap); or, sit at home whether that be with or without children. They are glad they have escaped The Trap by sitting at home.

It’s a very odd take, given there is a whole spectrum inbetween. You can go out for the night and not take drugs, or drink to excess or at all whether you are a parent or not, but that all seems lost on the OP for whom only two life choices exist.

well it is personal to the op
and perhaps there are others who experience the same.

I loved my late teens/ early 20s going out in the 90s. Was all pretty innocent and never touched any drug in my life. Just loved drinking and dancing all night. In fat once we got to the club we’d just drink water as we were so thirsty dancing for hours. In my 50s now and drink very little but still love a dance but mainly in my kitchen.

You don’t mention a career, interests or travel. Did you have no other focus than partying?

Do you have no other focus than your children?

Might be a good idea to find other interests you can develop, so you’re not lost when your children grow up.

In what way is going out a trap OP?

Agree with the poster who says the OP sounds like an evangelical convert - the phrase "my children are my world" is usually a red flag on dating apps!

I dont think its a "trap" but I do agree with you OP and know exactly what you mean.

I grew up in the late 90s/early 00s and at that time, clubbing and getting smashed was just the thing young people did. It was glorified in the media, people falling out of clubs, smashed off their faces was considered the epitome of fun and being cool. Ladette culture and drinking until you puked was "normal" and considered a very routine part of a night out. Musicians smashing up hotel rooms was also considered to be weirdly admirable. It was so fucked up looking back. I engaged in it all back then and though I thought at the time it was great, on reflection, I wasnt actually that happy at all. There were moments of fun but it wasnt that kind of lasting peacefulness you get from feeling fulfilled.

I have teens now and they dont seem to be remotely into all that stuff and neither are their friends, the culture now is very different.

I am much happier now, the kind of genuine contentment that settles in your gut and stays, its not all the chemical highs and lows of those times and there were times back then when I went to some very dark places indeed. Being in nature and with my family is where I feel happy now and its real, not facilitated by vodka.

I know what the OP means and for some of us, no, there isnt an in between.

I am a very all or nothing person too and I dont do things in moderation (possibly undiagnosed ADHD I am not sure). For me, the choice was getting absolutely smashed or avoiding it completely. If you can moderate then thats great, I am glad, but some of us cant do that and that lack of being able to do that did place us on this rollercoaster of huge highs and then huge lows, it wasnt a safe or peaceful place to be. So I know why the OP has framed it this way.

But no I don’t think nights out are a trap. Most people can regulate their involvement and enjoy going out once a week or just occasionally.

You sound like you have an addictive personality OP. All or nothing.

What focus do you have on your career, your relationship, friends, travel, interests? Are those part of your life? Or all or nothing passions too?

The OP is allowed her own feelings.

Some people are not able to go out for the night and not drink too much or take drugs.

The “my children are my world” crowd make me roll my eyes. It’s a life stage - they grow up and do their own thing.

What’s wrong with a night out?! Never touched drugs but nothing sinister about having a good dance and drink with your friends occasionally. God the mummy puritans are extremely dull.

Of course you can be happy and fulfilled without children - the OP didn’t say anything remotely like that and acknowledges that her experience isn’t universal

I really don’t like the narrative that not having children means you’re not properly grown up and are hung up on empty pleasures. It seems to be very prevalent on this thread.

OP I loved going out at the weekend in my 20s. I didn't do drugs but I loved having (maybe more than) a few drinks and having fun on the dance floor. I went out alot as a student and then every Saturday when I was working until kids came along. I loved getting dressed up and seeing friends and the parties we had were genuinely so much fun. I worked in a bar for a few years along with girls I house shared with and honestly the craic we had was brilliant. Yes plenty of hangovers and some regret mixed in but most of the time it was great. I'm 45 now with 2 kids and I still enjoy the occasional night out (though starting early and home early and somewhere where I can have a seat and hear myself think 😂). It sounds like you maybe overdid it frequently and that's why you feel this way but for me, I genuinely had the best fun in my 20s.

I've rediscovered my party shoes post divorce and with adult children.

I also now have the money to go to all the gigs I wished I could have afforded when I was younger. And the time, as I'm not looking after little people.

Plus now that I'm more mature, I've now got the confidence to go to these things alone. XH would never go with me, friends weren't interested, so I just didn't go as I had no one to go with.

Never been a drug user, enjoy having a drink or 2 at the weekend if I'm out, but going out and dancing until late still gives me the kick it used to. I went through a phase of day discos last year, but they got a bit too samey.

Give me a good night out at the weekend and I'm set up for the week.

The “my children are my world” crowd make me roll my eyes.

I wonder where their husbands/partners fit into their world. And what their lives will look like when the children have grown up.

Exactly. It suggests someone with a slightly addictive personality who is all or nothing in whatever she does and doesn’t sound very healthy.

Being young, going out and drinking is entirely normal for a person of a certain age. Looking after and being consumed by your children is for a different one. Neither should be done to the exclusion of everything else in your life.

Totally agree, it’s horrible. Like the people who will tell you you don’t know love or happiness until you have children. Fuck off with that.

I relate to what you’re saying OP but I have reached the conclusion that I have an addictive personality and had a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol in my younger years, rather than that going out and drinking is in and of itself a trap.

It’s interesting though that the current generation of young adults drink much less than we did.

Hmm people keep saying that but not actually seeing the reality going by my young adults and basically all their many friends!

I have no children but even I grew up and calmed it down when I hit 30. My ex colleague married with 5 kids and grandkids still into her 60s gets drunk and loses her glasses in the street (dropped them think stepped on them) and gets her bag nicked in bars. But she’s an office worker and it’s kind of “acceptable” in society certain levels to get stupid drunk and do silly things. 🥴

Like pps, I don't like the narrative that life is meaningless without children. But I also don't really drink alcohol anymore and don't do drugs (even weed). I also hate busy environments like bars on a Saturday night where you can't find comfortable standing space let alone a table. I don't miss that at all.

I do miss raves though 😂. I loved them. There was always a chill out area or a bit of field depending on the venue and I had the best chats in the ladies toilets too. I couldn't do it now as the late nights alone woule finish me off, but if I could rewind and do it all again I would. My kids are primary age now but, hypocritically, I hope they do not do some of the things I did 😬

I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to have your kids as your whole world and your only source of happiness/purpose.That’s a lot of responsibility to put on very tiny shoulders.

You basically just swapped one unhealthy coping mechanism, with another.

The MN ‘I’ve never done drugs’ crew 🙄 alcohol is a drug ffs

Absolutely. Anything which consumes your entire existence to the exclusion of anything else is not healthy. Even if its children.