To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

[NeedingASafeSpace]

in my late teens to mid 20s I was always loving life wanting to go out whenever I could. I would itch to go out for then Friday, drink and dabble a little with party drugs Friday Saturday and Sunday and then feel regret come Monday morning. Some Mondays I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror! I had my children a totally calmed down. I stopped going out of course (lack of child care but also I don’t want to!) I get offers now for people to have my children while I go out but honestly looking back on how I used to be? No thanks! I have responsibilities now and so my whole life has changed dramatically. I don’t drink at all anymore. Needless to say I absolutely do not touch drugs now.
thinking back to my life before my children, I was so lost and alone! I definitely believe if I had not had children and carried on how I did, I would have an issue with some form of substance now (either drink or c0k3). I am not saying I ever felt addicted but I’d admit I was likely on the pathway and so were the people I chose to associate with.
a night out to me sounds horrendous. When I think back to how alcohol made me feel… alone, depressed, in self sabotage mode and a shitty human at times. Argh I do not miss it one bit. I do believe it is a trap. Or was that just for me? Uh… I don’t know?

I'm not sure, it was never for me to be honest. I did do a bit of that in my teens and early 20's not loads but enough to know I wasn't really missing out on anything. I think I only every had a really good time once or twice. I remember nights being in a club and bored and wishing I'd jumped on the last bus home rather than be stuck out and having to crash on someone's sofa. I didn't and don't really drink though and I think you need some kind of substance to really enjoy being out like that. I'd rather have been in bed with a book and even then my ideal time out was mooching around second hand book shops and getting tea and cake.

My child is the best and most important thing in my life hands down. I adore her and would do anything for her.

But I also think it’s incredibly important to have a life outside of being a mother.

You owe it both to yourself and to your children not to disappear into motherhood. You will eventually wake up to a life which isn’t centred on them and you need to keep your centre of gravity intact. Also a mother who is too invested to allow her children to grow and develop into their own selves is not doing them any favours.

For me it's the horror of wilfully missing that much sleep.

But I had left my clubbing days far behind before I had my son. There wasn't nearly as much as a culture shock for those of us who had kids later!

Exactly the same as you OP. Haven’t drunk for almost 15 years now, have no interest in starting again. I think those that had a more moderate approach in their teens and 20s might not understand!

I do go out and meet friends but generally for coffee, dinner, spa etc. no wild nights!

Nope, I do not regret one night of my booze swigging, pill popping, rollie smoking, rave going, stranger snogging, hangover nursing, party animal days. Some of the best times of my life! x

I don't understand the point about it being a trap.

You can go out and drink/take drugs or you can stay in.
You can give it up at any time.
That time might be when you get older whether you have children or not.

What is the trap?

I'm quite similar OP. I do think with me it was due to trauma and really bad social anxiety that I masked with alcohol and drugs. When I was pregnant I had to lose that crutch and it helped me learn to enjoy life without being off my face.

You say in your OP that you have no interest in nights out like that anymore, so I'm not sure why you feel that's a trap. As a PP said, that just growing up!

In our teens and twenties we are still adolescents, and risky behaviour is part of that, it's only a problem if you still want to behave like that when you are 10-20 years older and have kids.

Same.

I've had good times since, continue to have good times, and had good times then. It was fun.

Women without children are not ‘floating nobodies’.

You seem to lurch to extremes. It’s normal to go on a night out without getting drunk, it’s also normal to have children without them being your entire reason for existing and also to not have children and have a fulfilled life.

Im in my 40s and still love going out. Having DS didn’t stop that.
I’ve never smoked and I’m vehemently anti drugs but I like a drink and a dance. Most nights I switch to soft drinks part way through the night.
My entire personality didn’t change when I became a mum.

Exactly this.

I never did drugs and rarely drank much at all so loved going out. We went out recently to a retro bar and I had mocktails. Beware the whole my children are my world and nothing else, they leave home. My brothers both moved overseas and I moved almost 300 miles from my hometown. Just my sisters stayed local and it limited their career prospects.

alcohol is a depressant

Agree. Im sorry you had that experience but it's not the case for everyone. I had a brilliant life pre kids, a different brilliant one now and as they're getting older its changing again as my freedom and time is somewhat increasing. I like a good night out but its occasional and usually not beyond 11!

Women like this are usually the ones starting threads complaining about their late teen/early 20’s daughter who’s in a relationship with a man in his 30’s, while admitting they were doing exactly the same thing and having an absolute blast

I dont see how or why it is a trap, I just cant be bothered going out on a night now I was happy to do it then not so much now doesnt bother me either way, as people grow they change sometimes doesn't haven't to be a postivie or negative thing just different

It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.

Nights out don't have to be wild debauchery. Children don't have to be the centre of your life every waking minute.

I'm glad your life is good now but you do come across a bit sanctimonious.

God that’s so depressing and I’m sad for you.

I go out all the time. I’ve never done drugs but I love a chat over cocktails with friends, a dance, music, meeting new people and expanding my social circle.

I find people that only talk about kids/family to be the most tedious people on earth. Get a life! Some interests!

I have fond memories of going out clubbing on the weekends with friends in my late teens and in uni, I don’t relate to the ‘shame’ on Mondays. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Just a different phase of my life I’m glad I have the memories of.

bit rude

like a hairdresser who i have never been back to when i was chatting about my young primary age children,
enough about the children what about you she said.

life takes a back seat at certain stages in your life

I completely relate to everything you've written. For me the change came before children (coming to faith) and was compounded by marriage/kids.

You must realise that most people going out aren't doing illegal drugs and are still having a great time.

Saying that you don't want to do anything illegal now that you have children is very sensible because of the consequences, if you were caught or had a fatal impact from the drugs.

But to say that you will never go out late dancing as well is illogical. If you don't want to then fine, but its completely possible to have late night fun without drugs or excessive drinking

I think what people are failing to relate to is the experience of living in a cycle of loneliness and despair/getting a release and temporary high from the alcohol and drugs. Then, thankfully, being able to find some freedom and healing in a different life stage. Not sure why people are so cross about it! Good for you - I'm glad you've been able to find some joy and love in your life.

It’s just you, we go out, have fun, never touched drugs in my life and whilst I do drink alcohol it is moderate, 2-3 drinks though if we go into the city I sometimes opt to drive and drink tonic water. We love live music, love a dance and can be completely sober doing it!