To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

[NeedingASafeSpace]

in my late teens to mid 20s I was always loving life wanting to go out whenever I could. I would itch to go out for then Friday, drink and dabble a little with party drugs Friday Saturday and Sunday and then feel regret come Monday morning. Some Mondays I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror! I had my children a totally calmed down. I stopped going out of course (lack of child care but also I don’t want to!) I get offers now for people to have my children while I go out but honestly looking back on how I used to be? No thanks! I have responsibilities now and so my whole life has changed dramatically. I don’t drink at all anymore. Needless to say I absolutely do not touch drugs now.
thinking back to my life before my children, I was so lost and alone! I definitely believe if I had not had children and carried on how I did, I would have an issue with some form of substance now (either drink or c0k3). I am not saying I ever felt addicted but I’d admit I was likely on the pathway and so were the people I chose to associate with.
a night out to me sounds horrendous. When I think back to how alcohol made me feel… alone, depressed, in self sabotage mode and a shitty human at times. Argh I do not miss it one bit. I do believe it is a trap. Or was that just for me? Uh… I don’t know?

I think your experience is common, young adults party until they grow out of it, then they replace it with a more purposeful - or just more enjoyable- alternative that suits their stage of life. That was my experience too - I stopped partying by late 20s and don’t miss it at all. I don’t think the party days were dark though, or a trap. In your case it sounds like they were which might be more unusual.

I used to go out including after hour parties, day long raves and I was only 17/18 at the time. I didn’t drink and didn’t do drugs. Same in my twenties and again no drinking or drugs as I was relying on my driving licence for work.

After having kids the boredom drinking crept in.
Flew out to some big overseas festival and again didn’t drink or do drugs. Everyone has different triggers.

I can’t take alcohol very well now and it’s not worth the hangover and disturbed sleep.

So are children.

OP how old were you when you had kids?

I don’t resonate with this situation. I had children in my 30s. At the age I had them I’d say big nights out were already a slightly different set up (friends with work/young children commitments) but still great. And I still love going out now.

your situation sounds more like an addiction/dependency situation. Are you dependent on your children? Are you working on improving that and building your self worth from within.

The children thing isn’t a universal experience, I’m childfree by choice, however grew out of the going out thing in my mid 20s. My life has strong purpose, fulfilling friends and family, excellent career, and I’ve just really built my self up, mortgage free house. Loads of savings. Super happy. All that without kids though, I don’t recognise the lack of purpose about them.

I was wild in my teens and twenties and it did take having children to calm me down. Having a mega hangover with small children relying on you is absolutely horrendous. I don't think the OP is saying that life has no meaning until you have children, but small people needing you to not be vomiting all day certainly puts a lot of obstacles in the way. Going out partying every weekend, drinking copious amounts and taking recreational drugs requires a huge amount of space for physical and mental recovery. Impossible with kids up at 6am needing food, entertainment and bums wiped. Doesnt mean life has no meaning or purpose before, its just means it can unbearable to do both.

I'm a tee totaller now but don't mind the odd night out for a laugh and a bit of a dance as long as I'm in bed by 1am, though even just a late night gives me a hangover these days.

I do feel that alcohol is a trap for a lot of people rather than the nights out themselves because in my pre kids days, if I wasn't going out ai would just get drunk by myself.

In or out, I honestly cannot believe that I escaped that phase of my life unscathed as I got myself into a lot of very risky situations. Now even a small amount of alcohol feels like it is absolutely draining my battery and that it is a poison, the benefits of which are massively outweighed by the negatives.

For people with addictive personalities (like myself) there often is an inner void which substances and the thrill of a night out (especially if you were going out in the early 2000s-2010 era) filled. For people like us, children not just presented a need for us to be present and sober at the weekends, but also represent a more stable period of our lives, eg finding a solid partner, making commitments through marriage and mortgages etc.

People without kids have these too, but I do get why the OP mentioned children, as it is a huge deterrent to going out and taking party drugs, but having them often happens at a time when internal shifts away from the nightlife scene are happening anyway.

I've never really stopped enjoying going out! My drugs days were limited to my student life anyway so that's long gone but I still love a drink and a dance!

When the kids were small it was harder to manage late nights - due to early start next day... But DH and I would take turns to go out and get the lie in next day etc.

I'm in my 50s and I still enjoy going out. And now I get to do it with my grown up children too 😁

I must admit I'm also embracing the old person afternoon club trend - drinks, dancing and home by 9pm 😆

But for me - my friends, my social life, clubbing (even if it's in the afternoon!), going to gigs, weekends away with the "girls" drinking prosecco in the sun... All still an important part of my life!!

47, still go to raves, have a very successful career oh and yes have raised a family. I cannot stand the narrative of the empty wasted life until children, thankfully I only see it on here and not in real life!

Completely agree with this comment.

never once did I say woman are floating nobodies without children. I said I was a floating nobody without my children. This is a true statements and if someone takes offense on what I was without children, that’s a them problem.

Just to add I think not having kids is a completely valid choice and I'm talking about going clubbing and getting plastered at least 3 times a week. Not trying to suggest people should never go out once they've 'grown up'.

Bet she asked about you and you wittered on about your kids. She was obviously bored to death. 💀

It wasn’t a trap for me. Through my late teens and uni years I had big nights out at least twice a week. No drugs, but lots of alcohol. Through my mid to late twenties it was one a week. Loved it. Had a great time dancing on tables, singing my heart out and stumbling to the taxi rank, heels in one hand and cheesy chips in the other. It was fabulous, in smiling just remembering it all now.
Nowadays I’m 36 with a partner and a baby and my friends and I prefer day drinking… drinks, laughs and home by 9pm. And this happens about three or four times a year.
I felt my line was fulfilled then, and it is fulfilled now. Just in different ways.

Going against the grain here. There's a strong focus on Mumsnet about staying in being the new going out. Very judgemental of alcohol etc. Speaking for myself here but I'm not totally convinced that staying on the sofa watching netflix and doom scrolling on Mumsnet is inherently more wholesome or valuable than a night on the tiles, connecting with friends and humanity in general.

Of course there's a darker side there and it can be a relief to have escaped it but intoxication, dancing etc is a fairly common human need throughout human history - a sort of counterpoint to consciousness that can be pretty painful. I'm not sure the new healthier living era has coincided with a period of better mental health.

I have never taken drugs and had a pretty settled life from very young, but I do sometimes think a bit of hedonism has its place.

Life never takes a back seat. (Sorry this was meant to quote horace)

I wouldn't call it a trap. I'd say it sounded like a typical young adult lifestyle.

Glad you are happy now, but try to find 'you' in your life and don't just be 'mum'.

My kids are adults now and I’m doing it all again 🤣. Not the drugs, I’ve never been into them but I met my DD in London last night and we enjoyed several 🥂🍹in the sunshine.

I had a very similar experience to you op. I honestly think having kids has added many years to my life expectancy. I knocked it all on the head immediately the day I found out I was pregnant with DC1 and I haven't looked back. I've also found that my alcohol tolerance has dropped to basically zero. I get such an awful hangover after just a couple of drinks that it's not worth it, so I'm pretty much teetotal now.

I don't really go out anymore, a few times a year maybe, but I loved it when I was younger. Im childfree so I can't say its because my life has a new meaning, its just that Im older and have lost interest. And love to be in bed by 10pm.

Life is short and messy. We're just accidental biological things that spawned on a spinning rock in space.

Don't waste your time making things deep and emotional when they're not. People like different things - that's the whole point. And people change every few years (five maybe?)

It's not that deep

Crack on and enjoy the things you enjoy.

You've had a really hard time on this thread. Nothing in your post suggests that you think everyone is fulfilled by the same things as you. It odd that on a site called MUMSnet people can't talk about parenthood fulfilling them.

At 50 I still like to go out dancing and have a drink, not all the time but once a month or so at a day club, but friends aren't interested or only want to go once in a blue moon.

I agree with this and also think that parenting is an incredibly meaningful, fulfilling, challenging, rewarding and extremely purposeful undertaking, often requiring sacrifice. Of course having children should shake you out of a lifestyle not conducive to being properly responsible for them.

That's not to say that there aren't many other very purposeful callings in life that don't involve kids, but its disingenuous to imply that being responsible for small and vulnerable children isn't way up there at the top of big jobs that require a lifestyle change. Personally I didnt have a reason not to party hard in my twenties until I had kids at 30. I was drifting aimlessly until I had small people to look after. I didn't think this would be a terribly contentious issue!

What about careers? Lots of people are studying for professional exams in their 20s along with working in responsible jobs. They can still go out but can't go out 3 nights a week and spend
days nursing a hangover.

It is a bit disingenuous to suggest that people don't have meaning and responsibility until they have kids.

What is a ‘floating nobody’? Maybe you need to work on your self esteem and your confidence. Why are you calling yourself a nobody? Get out there and live your life the best way you can, that’s my advice.