Daughter has gone NC with me over comment on her new profile photo

[Luceee25]

DD (30) can be very stubborn, and has been NC with me for nearly two weeks now which I am finding really upsetting.

She had been away travelling with a friend and always posted photos to Facebook to keep everyone updated. She has lots of family on there who always interact with her.

When she returned, she uploaded a new profile photo which was basically of her bare behind when led on a boat with only a tiny bit of string from her swimwear to protect her modesty.

I suggested to her that she might have wanted to reconsider whether that was really appropriate and also pointed out that any prospective employers could potentially see that and it wouldn’t give the image of a professional.

She went ballistic, told me it’s 2026 and women are empowered to share photos like that. She then told me she wanted some space and hasn’t responded to any of my attempted contact since.

I am now doubting whether I was out of order with what I said initially. I have apologised repeatedly for offending her (although I do stand by my comments completely). Do you think I should have shut up?

Was there anything in my message (addressed to the op, and not to the entire mumsnet community) which made it sound like I was inviting advice or opinions about my friendships etc? I genuinely don’t understand why you felt the need to respond, especially with a negative comment.

It's a bad state of affairs when a mum can't give a daughter some good advice!

If she's too grown up to be told anything by her mum, then she's also too grown up to sulk!

Leave the silly cow to have a strop and don't apologise - you did nothing wrong and were only looking out for her best interests. On her own head be it, if a prospective (or current) employer views this as unprofessional.

I think it's both kind and brave of you. That sounds like a ridiculously inappropriate photo to put out in public. I think you were being a good friend telling her so. She sounds super touchy.

I think irrespective of whether op's comment was warranted or not going no contact is pretty extreme. My mum (and mil) tell me stupid, judgemental stuff all the time and sometimes I get really annoyed and might get into an argument with them or tell them how annoying and wrong they are but then we all move on. I think the relationship with your family shouldn't be so fragile that you can't spout nonsense once in a While without life changing consequences.

Op apologies if you have said but how long has she been no contact? Maybe she's just in a huff and needs a few days to cool down. Has she actually she said she doesn't want any contact anymore?

I had to mute a friend online for doing this. I don't want to see any friends holes lol

My mum would do the same for me and mention it in private if I ever wanted to post a photo like that and I’m 30 I’d be grateful of her looking out for me and advising me! She should come round. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Xx

It totally inappropriate but you shouldn’t have said anything.

Going from a size 8 to a 14/16 is ballooning.

By all means look at the photo and disapprove but it wasn't your place to comment.

She is an adult and if she thinks it's appropriate to have her bum on display for any future employees to see then that's her prerogative.

You owe her an apology. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to speak to you. She was confident enough to post that photo and you have made her feel like shit and deflated her.

This is the right approach though... if you don't like it, you just remove it from your vision.

But it’s not appropriate to have her bum on display for future employers. So if she thought that she was wrong and of course OP was concerned about it. I’d have hated it if my mother stopped advising me once I turned 18. It would have seemed like she didn’t care anymore. Obviously there’s a different relationship when a child is an adult, but if a concerned mum can’t tell you something in a genuine effort to help then who can?

Obviously there is a line and some parents get too involved but it doesn’t seem the case here.
“I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever mentioned anything about her appearance to her. I just felt it was a step too far.”
OP is afraid her daughter will live to regret this and was trying to protect her.

I’d say it’s either an innocent spelling mistake or a localism. I’ve heard led for laid used around Bristol/ southwest

Sadly I think there seems to be a current ‘thing’ for going NC. There are numerous posts on here threatening NC over things they should be talked through and dealt with. Humans are complicated with emotions and differing opinions and no one seems able to cut anyone any slack anymore everyone just wants to be offended and angry!! My mum sometimes says daft things but I just roll my eyes and ignore her or laugh at her! Humour and assuming best intent takes the sting out of most things.

It’s not appropriate, however many are assuming that her daughter is using the same name on social media that she is with employers.

Many people use different names because they don’t want employers seeing pictures of their personal life.

Saying that, we haven’t seen the picture ourselves and OP could be exaggerating on how much is actually shown.

OP doesn’t mention that her daughter has form for falling out with her and just says she is stubborn so why would her daughter go NC over one comment?

Plus, stubborn could easily be that her DD doesn’t listen to her and/or DD doesn’t behave/ do as OP thinks she should.

OP possibly has unconsciously made remarks without thinking anything of it or not consider them to be remarks and this remark could have been the last straw for her DD.

Perhaps. It is hard to know on threads like these.

I’m objecting more to the attitude some posters have that, once a child is an adult, a parent should never be allowed to tell them they think they’ve got something wrong, even if the parent thinks the mistake will cause their adult child harm.

But her daughter is 30!!

She is more than old enough to make a decision on whether her bum on display is appropriate or not. And if she makes the wrong decision, then that's for her to learn from.

The OP was not advising her, but rather criticizing her.

And even worse the OP has since said the daughter has had weight fluctuations in the past, so her comments clearly dug deep, and therefore it is not surprising at all that her DD won't speak to her at the moment.

If her DD asked for her advice, then yes it would have been appropriate to say "You look amazing, but perhaps don't post that publicly in case the wrong sort of people see it". But she wasn't asked.

It was nothing to do with weight? OP says her daughter is size 8 now and confident.

I think her DD was unlikely to ask for her opinion on this matter for obvious reasons.

Tbh, you sound a little bit pompous and smug. I’m wondering if the NC decision after your comment about her photo was just that she’d reached the end of the line with you. The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.

I would bet anything there's more of a backstory to this one. On the face of it, it seems reasonable and that the OP's daughter is over-reacting, but it could well be that we're missing a huge chunk of the story and that the OP has a history of being hyper-critical with her daughter. Or that the daughter was wearing something that's actually perfectly fine and only her mother thinks it's borderline pornographic.

There's a difference between telling someone you think they have done something wrong and telling them that sharing pictures of themselves and their own bodies on their own social media platform is inappropriate. Who decides it's inappropriate... Mummy dearest?

It'd be wrong if the adult daughter shared someone else's image without their permission... but given she uploaded it herself, I'm sure she thought "this is a nice picture representing who I am" and posted it.

Also I highly doubt that the OP hasn't made unnecessary comment before, given the daughter has reacted this way. It's probably been 30 years of (probably accidental) horrid comments to the daughter.

Personally, I don't think you have done anything wrong. If my son put his profile photo on facebook with his bare arse out then I would definitely say something, and whether he would agree with me or not (irrelevant really as he would never do that) he certainly wouldn't block me.

Yes, it is 2026, and this sort of thing takes us back to the 80's and the days of page 3, which has people up in arms now. How come then it is unacceptable to have tits in the newspaper, but for bare arses on a fb page. I know people will say but thats her choice and the page 3 girls were exploited, but opinions are like arseholes and we all have one.

If your DD has any sense she will calm down and realise you are only looking out for her.

I think the majority would feel it inappropriate and poorly judged. If my son did this I’d tell him I was worried too (I don’t have daughters).

It could be inappropriate (or not), but surely depends on if anyone seeing the picture are actually bothered enough to think it was their business to tell another adult what they can or can’t have/ post on their own social media.

I could think a picture is inappropriate but I can also keep scrolling and ignore it because whomever posted it is an adult and it is not my business to tell them or lecture them about what they post on their own social media.

I can understand if this was a teenager or early adulthood and they are in the uni years, but a 30 yo woman, no. By that age, pretty sure she is fully aware what she is doing and posting.

For her to be on holiday, surely the daughter has a job to have been able to afford it unless the daughter has expressed to OP that she is looking for another and OP is expressing her view due to this and not simply because she is concerned about other family members’ thoughts about her DD over this picture and her by association as her mother.

Now this is a funny thing.

My parents never want advice from me and so I've stopped giving it. They do not want to be "told" anything and sulk more than this example if we ever get into discussions where I know more than they do. In the end I shut up and leave them in their blissful ignorance.

You're an adult talking to an adult. Don't want her to behave like a child? Stop treating her like one.

Live and let live!

Isf there are repercussions then let the daughter find out herself. I just find it nasty to nitpick her while she's clearly travelling at the age of 30 (so most probably had enough gumption to work and save up for this trip).