Daughter has gone NC with me over comment on her new profile photo

[Luceee25]

DD (30) can be very stubborn, and has been NC with me for nearly two weeks now which I am finding really upsetting.

She had been away travelling with a friend and always posted photos to Facebook to keep everyone updated. She has lots of family on there who always interact with her.

When she returned, she uploaded a new profile photo which was basically of her bare behind when led on a boat with only a tiny bit of string from her swimwear to protect her modesty.

I suggested to her that she might have wanted to reconsider whether that was really appropriate and also pointed out that any prospective employers could potentially see that and it wouldn’t give the image of a professional.

She went ballistic, told me it’s 2026 and women are empowered to share photos like that. She then told me she wanted some space and hasn’t responded to any of my attempted contact since.

I am now doubting whether I was out of order with what I said initially. I have apologised repeatedly for offending her (although I do stand by my comments completely). Do you think I should have shut up?

In the event that this is at all real, why on earth would you slutshame your daughter? She's 30, if she wants to post her bum on the internet she's allowed.

No you shouldn’t have said anything. This is her private Facebook, not LinkedIn.

Do you criticise her a lot? Have you reflected on your relationship overall and whether you are carrying things on from your own childhood that maybe your parents did to you? The first thing you said is that your dd is ‘stubborn’. Emotionally healthy parents don’t criticise their children to strangers.

I grew up with critical parenting and it’s very damaging.

OP spoke with her daughter privately, not publicly.

Apparently so, I edited

"publicly slutshame" 🙄

The OP has clearly stated that she raised her concerns "privately" not publicly.

It's very upsetting and self absorbed of her to go NC over something like this. I would be tempted to tell her so, just say that it was hurtful.

Oh yes, great advice - widen the rift 🙄

She's 30, it's not like she needs someone pestering her about what's appropriate on her sm pages and what isn't. Given the fact she decided to go nuclear about it kinda hints at this not being the first time of you policing her photo choices or giving unwanted advices in any other form.

She’s 30. Imagine being 30 years old and thinking posting a picture of your (nearly) bare bum on the internet is a good idea. I am constantly amazed by how society has changed and what is now considered perfectly fine by a significant proportion of the population.

Impossible to know OP, maybe your DD is overreacting or maybe its a pattern from you (that youre not aware of) and shes had enough.

My neice stopped talking to her grandma after a negative comment on her profile photo and shes still NC. It was something about was she lonely?-as it was a slightly sexy but actually really just a pretty, body confident image. In reality that comment was the straw that broke the donkeys back (because of historic behaviour that I know of) and I really dont blame the neice. Taken alone that comment doesn't sound like a dealbreaker but the context was key and the neice had just had enough.

I feel a bit sorry for today's youngsters tbh.
You can say what you like about us oldies but at least we could have rip roaring old time of it and not leave an evidence trail 😆😆

You should never EVER say anything remotely negative or critical about your offspring irrespective of what they do because they may go no contact.

Its a balance.

The economy needs children to be educated. In all honesty with the right learning materials, and children with no sen, the vast majority of parents could teach their own children a lot of the primary curriculum (its much easier to teach one or two kids than manage the needs of a highly varied class of 30!). Schools are much more economically efficient as by educating children in large groups more adults are freed up for other work. Schools are also very useful in socialising children to behave /manage/operate in groups, with lots of opportunity to cooperate and share and play with peers, something that might have happened naturally in village communities of the past but might not happen so readily with modern nuclear family living.

I’m with you OP and I’m a similar age to your DD. It really doesn’t look professional and it has been proven that prospective employers do check out your socials.

Women on mumsnet constantly lecture their mothers and mothers in law as if they were children (or if they haven't already, posters tell them to). But the Mum or MIL is expected to take it on the chin and do as they're told.

If 30 is too old to be lectured, hopefully my generation can look forward to a lecture free life.

• Caveat that I'm very lucky not to be lectured, but I do sometimes get advice from my kids that wouldn't be welcomed if I was giving it!

She’ll be back when she wants something they always are

Your point is correct. Ill-advised to post your arse on the internet.

Should you have told her that? Depends on your relationship.

More context really needed. What reasons did she give you for the NC? Is it only because of your comment on the photo? Or has she said numerous times previously she doesn’t want your unsolicited judgement/advice/to be spoken to like a child?

I wouldn’t message adult DC over something like that, though I might have a gentle/light-hearted word if I saw them in real life. The problem with messages is they can be read in the wrong tone or wrongly interpreted. Also, at 30, she’s way old enough to make her own mistakes. So, you really have to keep your thoughts to yourself. Or if you feel she’s making such a bad mistake it may harm her, it’s best to ask questions as you would to a good friend, rather than a child, e.g. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’.

If she’s asked for space, I wouldn’t keep messaging her. Leave her to it for now. Not hearing from a 30yo DC for a few weeks is no big deal.

God yes. What happened at the office Christmas do stayed at the office Christmas do!

You're being disingenious. I like my vagina but wouldn't use it as my profile picture. What you deliberately choose to show the world does say something about you.

Ha! Yes same here. I like my bum. It's very comfy for sitting on and very useful for pooing out of but I don't think it should be shown off on social media.

That would be pecky 😁

She’s 30! The older and more mature point should have arrived by now and if it hasn’t it possibly never will. She knows all the things you are pointing out and has decided this is how she wants to present herself to the world. It’s her choice. Leave her to that and don’t comment.

I’m surprised she’s 30 & doesn’t know this!

She isn't a younger person... she is a fully adult the last 12+ years.

What entitles you to tell another adult what they can or cannot wear / share online? It had nothing to do with you. If you don't like it, scroll on by.

You say she's stubborn but if my mother were this interfering I'd not be having lots of contact either.

She did not tell her what she could not wear, she merely suggested this was maybe not a wise choice for a profile picture. If you have read any of the comments on this thread you will see that she is not alone in holding this opinion.

And this was not some other random adult she made the comment to, it was her own daughter. No doubt if it had been a photo of Mavis from next doors daughter's arse the OP would have kept her opinion to herself and scrolled on by. But it wasn't and the OP cares about her daughter and felt it was in her best interests to say something.

You obviously disagree but I wonder what your mother's reaction would be if you posted what she considered an inappropriate photo.